Oh Come ON

This is a disgusting entry, so the squeamish should stop reading now.

If there's one thing I've always been good at, it's farting.

I'm the most flatulent person I know. I fart all the time, every day, during any time of the day. This has nothing to do with pregnancy; I've been a champion fart producer my entire life. I can produce a multitude of different types and levels of farts, and the sheer power and scope of my farting abilities has understandably scared away more than one man. You'd be hard pressed to find somebody more capable of emitting a stronger, longer exhalation of gas.

My constant need to fart can, of course, be somewhat socially awkward. One time I ate a bowl of French onion soup for lunch and then spent the entire afternoon in sheer agony because I couldn't get away from people long enough to release the inevitable gas build up. I haven't had French onion soup since.

I should note, by the way, that my husband's tolerance of my disturbingly stinky aura is just one of many reasons why he is a saint. I'm probably the stinkiest person I know, what with all of the constant farting. A few weeks ago I actually woke him up out of a sound sleep with the sheer vibrational force of my fart, and the after-effects weren't exactly pleasant. I'm a complete hypocrite about stuff like this -- if somebody were to do that to me, I would get indignant, turn on the fan, complain loudly, and generally make the farter suffer greatly. J woke up, startled, sniffed the foul odor and sort of delicately choked back a gag reflex, and then just smiled and started laughing, as if to say, "Oh, you silly farter, you." Like I said, he's a saint.

My long history with farting is the reason why I am so mad about what is happening to me now. I cannot fart. Yesterday I went about my business feeling relatively fine, considering I'm about 100 weeks pregnant with twins and my belly is about to burst open like an overripe tomato. In the evening I started getting terrible belly pains, and after a couple of hours had passed it was so bad that I couldn't sit up straight, stand, or walk without crying and shaking. I called my doctor, who seemed like she'd been sleeping before I disturbed her, and she assured me that it wasn't anything to worry about regarding the babies and I should try things like taking a bath or moving around. Reassured that I wasn't experiencing a bowel obstruction or anything scary, I proceeded to just...suffer.

I've spent 5 hours in the bathtub, and this did relieve some of my pain and even produced a little bit of gas movement. I can see giant gas bubbles in my intestines sitting on top of my belly. I mean, they're clearly visible. These gas bubbles range from about 4 inches to 10 inches long and are as big around as my wrist. This doesn't seem right. Moving, sitting, standing, walking, and existing are all incredibly painful. I haven't slept. I feel like I am never, ever going to get rid of this gas.

I know pregnancy is no walk in the park, but come ON. I've been pretty accepting about the normal discomforts, which are so mundane they're not even worth listing here, but to lose my ability to do the thing my body does best, the thing I do without even trying...that's just cruel. There is only one thing that is keeping me from freaking out about this. I'm only 3 weeks away from being full term for twins. So I know this won't last forever. If I had to, I could probably live like this for 3 weeks. But in the meantime if anybody has fart-producing folk remedies, bring 'em on, because I could use some relief.