Disturbing

A little disturbing: Going into the kids' room this morning and finding them both naked from the waist down.

More disturbing: Finding a smear on Milo's crib sheet that looks suspiciously like he used it to wipe his bottom.

Even more disturbing: Finding a little turd sitting on the floor.

Especially disturbing: I had stepped on it.

Really especially disturbing: Barefoot.

Most disturbing: The nagging fear that I didn't find it all, and there must be more somewhere lurking in the corner...just waiting for me to step on it.

I Don't Want To Be Betty

Monday I was so tired. Saturday night was an up-all-night kind of night with Nora having a stomach ache. I find that after a sleepless night I'm usually okay the next day, running on adrenaline, but two days later I collapse. So Monday was a hard day. My mentor and I had a collaborator in town for a two-day work session as we outlined a book (I am writing two books this year with collaborators). So I was at the office by 9, then we worked until 4, then I read a dissertation from 4 to 6, then we took our collaborator out to dinner. Got home by 9 p.m., and then finished reading the dissertation by 10:30 and I was done for the day.

So at that point, it'd be logical to go to sleep. All through dinner I was struggling, and my mentor kept saying "you look tired" and "you must be exhausted". But I think once you get to a certain stage of tired, you just can't shut down, or at least I can't, so I was awake until about 2:30 a.m.

What is wrong with me?!?

Slept until 4:20 a.m. at which point Milo woke up. Back to sleep at 5, kids were up for good at 6:30. So, today was another long, tired day.

Back home this evening, I was cooking dinner when the kids arrived home with Buddy. They'd been swimming in the lake. They were either over tired or over hungry, because they were cranky. Nora kept whining for me to hold her. Milo kept making this frustrated noise that grates on my nerves like you wouldn't believe. It goes something like this: Huuuuaaaaaahhhhhh! At dinner, both kids were whiny and petulant and uncooperative. I had made linguini with tomatoes, basil, and fresh mozzarella, all things that they like. They had chicken, and bread. Nora spent the entire dinner whining and then crying and then pitching a fit because I wouldn't give her jelly or peanut butter on her bread. (My policy is no short-order cooking, so what's on the plate is what they get, period. There is always at least one thing, usually more, on their plates that they like and are guaranteed to eat. They can have as many servings as they desire, but I won't make new things just because they don't feel like eating what's there.)

Milo kept trying to put his feet on the table. Nora kept trying to pitch a fit and she refused to eat. And you know what, I was pissed. I was cranky myself. So tired, and not in the mood to deal with it. To be honest, I really wanted to yell. I really wanted to yell at them.

But I didn't, because I don't want to be like Betty Draper. So I distracted them and devised a silly game with them and made them forget their bad moods, and then they started to eat without realizing they were eating, and then they cheered up, and we got through dinner without any disasters. (And I did not give in on the short order cooking thing).

Other nights I will probably mess up and lose control of myself and yell at the kids. I'm a very verbal person and yelling is how I express my anger, especially when I'm sleep deprived. I'll inevitably lose it, I'm sure, and then feel guilty about it. Like a terrible mom, which is sometimes how I feel. Like, I keep thinking I should be better at this. It should be easier for me. It should be more natural. The way it seems to be for other people. But at least sometimes I'm able to do the right thing, and can keep it under control even though I've reached the end of my rope. And tonight I'm proud of that.

Bonus picture: Milo insisting on using the vacuum. A decade from now when I'm trying to get him to do his chores I'll remind him that he used to demand to use my vacuum!

Back

I was feeling very pissy about traveling up north with the kids but that was silly because they love it up there. The minute they hopped out of the car they were literally bouncing around with excitement and joy. All of the things that scared them last year, like the dog, are now sources of delight.

Jake's parents' house is basically the perfect grandparent heaven for a couple of kids. It's got a lake, woods, boats, a dock, and all kinds of things to explore. They have a little play kitchen, and a sand box, and a lot of Jake's old toys, and other random things that they've picked up from garage sales and such. Nora loves that kitchen and Milo adores the sand box. They both got about 800 mosquito bites but never wanted to go inside.

We also took a boat ride, and went swimming, and ate all kinds of new foods (Nora actually ate tomatoes, and spaghetti, and Milo ate a ton of sushi one afternoon). Being up there sort of feels like being at camp -- the house is basically a cabin, and they usually have a bonfire at night, and you can sit outside and listen to the loons and watch the water.

Most people go to this location for a week or two in the summer, and most of the houses on the lake are summer cabins. Jake's family lived there year round, and this was their full-time home. He had a childhood that was different from most of us who grew up in suburbia. His brother rode a snowmobile to school in the winters.

Tonight after we got home we had a nice dinner and then while I was washing dishes Milo climbed on a chair, fell off of it, and gashed the corner of his eye. Jake and I were so freaked out and trying to see how bad the cut was that this scared Milo and he cried for a long time. I didn't know if we should take him to the hospital to get a stitch. The gash is about a centimeter long and the eye itself is fine, but I guess the fact that it is on his face has me worried that he will get a weird-looking scar. It was a deep gash. If he had the same type of cut anywhere else on his body, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Anyway, we decided it was silly to go to the hospital for something that probably doesn't need stitches, but still, I feel bad. I swear Milo is so danger prone. He has no fear at all and currently he has not only that nasty gash, but a ton of bruises, cuts, and scrapes on his legs, plus all of the mosquito bites -- he's a mess.

Nora is a little more cautious and so she gets far fewer injuries. I guess in this case Milo takes after me and Nora takes after Jake. I'm just happy we made it through the trip without any major mishaps. That place up north is a kid heaven but for a parent it looks like one enormous danger pit.

You Can't Always See What You See

Tonight we were playing with the iPad and the kids had a game in which there were a bunch of fish, and they had to touch the fish that was different. So there might be about 10 identical red fish, except for size, and one green fish. But neither one could touch the "different" fish. It was weird. I'd start by saying "which fish is different?" and they'd randomly touch any red fish. Then I'd say "which fish is not red?" and they would still randomly touch any fish. Once I said "which fish is the green fish?" they could identify it. But they don't have the idea of "different" or of "not x" yet. I hadn't realized that.

Child cognitive development is so interesting. I totally could have gone into that field instead of the one I'm in.

It actually reminds me of this time with a bunch of 8th graders. I had wanted them to explain something about a situation with growing rectangles, in which the rectangles grow but keep their height/length proportion. I wanted them to come up with a justification for something by drawing rectangles, and in particular I hoped they would draw a general rectangle, an H x L rectangle, instead of giving a specific example with, say, a 2 x 3 rectangle.

So everybody did their own explanation and tons of kids drew rectangles, but only one student made a general H x L rectangle. All of the other ones were specific examples with specific numbers. So I had 3 kids put up their rectangles and I asked them what was different about the H x L rectangle, compared to the other ones. And the students literally could not see any difference. They thought of tons of tiny insignificant differences, trying to come up with any distinction, but the idea of one rectangle being a specific example versus another being a general case was just not there for them. Even though it was so glaringly obvious to me. It really brought home how much of a disconnect there is between teachers and middle school students on the topic of proof, when middle school students aren't yet able to perceive any meaningful difference between a specific example and a generic case.

*******

Tonight was the first night in a week that Milo went to bed without crying and putting up a fuss. So we're making progress. We haven't yet had a night in which he hasn't woken up crying, but I feel like he is slowly getting better.

We're going up north to Jake's parents' place on the lake for the weekend tomorrow. I think it's going to be a giant pain in the ass. But it's just a weekend.

Who Needs Sleep?

I get so tired in the afternoons that sometimes I literally can't stay awake. Yesterday I fell asleep in a chair in the living room with the kids right there harassing me, the music on, Jake clattering in the kitchen...I'd wake up for a second when somebody poked me or spoke into my face, and then I'd fall asleep for a few seconds.

Today I felt the same way. I put my head down for a nap but 2 minutes later Nora woke up and started crying. I had to get up but I was so tired I almost couldn't make myself do it. I felt like it was a monumental effort to keep my eyes open.

And yet here it is a 12:30 a.m. and I am still awake. I just spent an hour awake in bed. Why can't I fall asleep now when I could not stay awake this afternoon? It's so dumb, it feels perverse.

I feel like this sleep problem is kind of ruining my life, and if I have to get up early every morning (which I do) and mostly cannot nap in the afternoon (which I can't) there is no solution in sight. I actually went to my doctor with this set of concerns to see if there was something she could do. She prescribed some Ambien for me but only gave me 10 pills and no refills. I thought it would be some sort of super-powerful miracle drug but it only worked about as much as Benadryl works for me. My doctor seems to be far less concerned about my weighty woes than me, so maybe I should get a new one. Hard to say.

Anyway, I'm glad I was awake tonight because I heard Milo the minute he began to wimper, and I was able to comfort him and rub his back in the crib before he fully woke up and began to freak out about the fact that he doesn't have a pacifier. Milo is having a harder time giving up his pacifier. So far he hasn't been able to go to sleep yet by himself without it. Instead I have been holding him or rocking him to sleep. Which probably isn't a great habit but I don't want to just let him cry. I feel like it is hard enough and cruel enough as it is to take away such an important comfort object. He is, rightly so, mourning the loss of something hugely important to him. The least we can do is comfort him through that during the night.

Nora's having an easier time. She had a few tears in the beginning, but not too many, and now it's more an issue that without the pacifier she remains keyed up longer than usual. She isn't upset or crying about it, but she's kind of hyper and is having a harder time calming down and getting sleepy without it. And she is having a hard time going back to sleep when she wakes in the middle of the night. These are all expected and predictable consequences of taking away pacifiers, I suppose.

So, needless to say, we haven't been sleeping very much since operation ditch pacifier occurred. When I am in bed I often think I am hearing the kids crying even though they're not. It's like these faint auditory hallucinations. Sometimes I'll be sort of drifting off and then I'll think I'm hearing somebody cry. So I'll instantly become wide awake, listening for it. And I feel like I can hear it faintly, even though I know that nobody is actually crying. (Because when they do cry, it isn't faint. It's loud, and very real.) But even though I know it isn't real, I can still hear it, and it kind of drives me nuts and makes me anxious.

Hmm, and I wonder why I can't sleep!

It's Hard to be Little

Operation ditch pacifiers happened today. It's gone about as one might expect. To date, nobody has yet managed to fall asleep without a pacifier.

The kids were okay with the idea of giving away their pacifiers until nap/bedtime. Then it has been most definitely not okay.

Random (Okay, Arbitrary) Stuff

Let me just whine for a moment and say that I have been sick for almost a month now. What the heck is wrong with me?!? The kids have long been better, but I have bronchitis and now another cold attacked me before I even had a chance to stop coughing from the first one. I used to have the BEST immune system. I think my first 4 years here I never got sick even once! Now I keep thinking, if I could only just sleep for a couple of days, maybe I could start to get better...

Also, I am on a seriously tight schedule this summer, and need to get stuff OUT. THE. DOOR. I cannot afford to be sick and have my pace slow down like this, but sure enough I've been slower than molasses lately because I'm so out of it all the time. NOT ACCEPTABLE!

Oh, and I can't run for shit with this cough, either. So bleach. And I'm letting all kinds of things slide. I haven't even written birthday thank-you notes yet! (But I totally will this weekend! I promise!)

Okaaaaay. Whining over.

I am really enjoying the kids lately. Milo especially has sort of blossomed lately in a way that's hard to describe, but it's sort of like he's developed some empathy or something. He also has his nice way of conversing these days. "Is this too loud, Mommy?" he'll ask, blowing on his recorder. If I say it is, he'll be quieter.

Actually Nora has picked up some of Milo's habits too. That's one of the nice things about twins. They do learn from each other all the time. So for instance, tonight at dinner Nora said, "What are you talking about, Mommy and Daddy?" Her use of our names like that comes straight from Milo, and I find it so charming. (We were talking about money).

The kids have also developed, sort of, the ability to make jokes. For instance, when we tuck them in for the night we tell them goodnight and then tell them that we love them. They used to both say back, "Goodnight Mommy and Daddy! I love you Mommy! I love you Daddy!" Then the other night, Milo randomly said, "I love you Mommy and Grandpa!" Jake was all, "Hey!" and the kids cracked up, thinking this was the funniest joke ever. Of course they have now done it every night since then, and crack up every time.

Oh, and Milo can totally write an "M" now. He practiced all evening yesterday and all morning this morning, and he can do a really nice M! It is awesome how pleased he is over it.

Work is fairly productive, and I like that. It is great to have big swaths of time to just write and write. I am trying to do a good job of protecting my time and not saying yes to too many b.s. meetings throughout the summer (none of which I am paid to do). So far so good. I was just invited to become part of a working group and attached conference in September. The working group is in a growing area of research (in which I am situated) and will lead to collaborations and projects and papers and such, so it is good for me. The bad part is, the conference attached to it is at the same time as a wedding/reunion trip I have been looking forward to for months. This trip would have been my only real time off all year, time to myself to have a mini vacation, see friends, etc.

However, working conference has a plenary speaker who is Potential Letter Writer Guy (PLWG). PLWG is really famous and would be a good person to write one of my letters because he invented the area of research in which I do my work. However, he's known for being critical, for instance, he once wrote a bad letter for a colleague and that guy did not get tenure as a result. (Happy ending story, he got tenure the 2nd time around on appeal). So PLWG is a tricky case, and I don't want to have him write a letter if he will say bad stuff about me (duh). So going to the conference, shmoozing with PLWG, exchanging ideas, etc. would totally give me some hints as to whether he thinks I am good and would write a good letter, or if he thinks I suck. Also, collaborating with PLWG in the future would be totes awesome for my career.

Anyway I was bummed about the conflict but I emailed the organizer and he said I could leave the conference early to attend the wedding, so I think I will be able to do both. AND the conference organizer wrote back to me and he said, "By the way, I wanted to let you know that PLWG urged me to put you on the team!" And I was all, OMG! Maybe he doesn't think I suck! Woo hoo!

Yeah. Gotta thrive on the little things.

Finally, I think that it is not only hard for the kids to have Jake at work. I think it is hard for me too. It was much nicer having him around all the time. I got spoiled, I guess...

But on the other hand, having Jake working means a better savings plan for the kids' college. Harvard, here we come!

Changes

Milo and Nora were laughing and joking around in their cribs this morning, so he seems to be feeling better today. Our plan was to get rid of their pacifiers this weekend, and I was kind of wavering since Milo has gone through so many changes already. But Jake said, "there will always be a reason not to do it, we just have to bite the bullet and do it!" so that's what we're doing. I don't expect we'll be sleeping much for a while.

This morning the kids went swimming in the lake with Buddy, their friend Millie from down the street, and Millie's nanny. They had a blast. This afternoon I took them to the splash park. It was an awesome day for it -- 90 degrees out, so you never get cold no matter how much you splash in the fountains. Nora was cautious, only allowing herself to get a little wet and then drying herself off with a towel every 5 minutes. Milo, however, was in heaven. He was running around with a huge grin on his face, jumping for joy, running straight through the biggest fountains of water, getting totally soaked, and loving every minute of it. What a classic summer afternoon.

The kids eat at the table now, so their trays are gone and there is more room in the dining room. Each step like this feels like we are grabbing a piece of our life back. I really don't like clutter. We have a small house, and we cannot have too much clutter or stuff taking up room. I am ruthless about getting rid of things. It drives me nuts to have piles of stuff all over the place, so I am constantly straightening up. One thing that was annoying about having babies in the house was all of the stuff they came with. Bouncy seats, swings, then an exersaucer, a doorway bouncing swing, all essential and necessary things but they took up a ton of space. One by one they disappeared as the kids got older, and we're finally getting our house back. Toys don't bother me because they can be put away each night, and these lucky kids even have their own play room, but it's nice to no longer trip over the exersaucer when I'm walking to the kitchen.

And time marches forward. Now we just have to get these kids potty trained (I won't miss diapers) and then, maybe when they turn 3, get them into real beds. It's a little bittersweet to see the vestiges of babyhood disappear one by one, I'll admit, but I try to focus more on the sweet than the bitter.

Milo

Milo is really struggling with having Jake at work full time now. He often cries in the morning for Daddy, and just seems to feel more insecure and clingy in general. Tonight I left to go to a baby shower, and Milo was pretty inconsolable at my leaving, even though Daddy was right there. Things are scaring him or upsetting him at night, and in the morning or during nap he has been waking up crying because various things scare him. I have removed two pieces of art from the nursery because in each case he said it was scaring him.

One hard thing is that I cannot console Milo without a lot of drama from Nora. This morning Milo was sad about Jake being gone, and he wanted me to hold him. Predictably, the very minute I started holding him Nora started yelling and crying obnoxiously in a fit of jealousy. It drives her nuts when I hold Milo.

Poor Milo. I don't really know how to help him. For his entire life Daddy has been around almost all of the time, and now Daddy is gone all day long for 5 days a week. It is a big change.

I know! I know!

I have got to watch my language better!

Tonight I was really irritated and angry for reasons that aren't really important. I was taking a bunch of things out the door to put into the car to give away, and I tripped over stuff on the stairs and fell down the stairs and ripped off my toenail. I was furious and Jake said "Are you okay?" and I yelled, "NO I AM NOT OKAY I JUST TRIPPED OVER ALL OF THIS SHIT LYING AROUND!"

10 seconds later, Milo has his Mr. Potato Head out and is figuring out what to put on it. Nora says, "Do you need to put some shit on there, Milo?"

Sweet Milo

I have a cough that just won't quit. Tonight I was coughing and Milo said, Are you okay Mommy? Do you want a drink of water? Mommy do you need a tissue? Would you like some music, Mommy? (Turned on one of his music toys). Mommy, do you need to go to sleep? Would you like a nap, Mommy?

He's so sweet.

The Camera Is Not My Friend!

So the rough cut of the video for which I filmed commentary is up, and boy do I look bad! Holy crap! The first thing I thought when looking at it was, hmmm, maybe I should re-think this whole eschewing make-up thing. The lighting was so bright that I looked very washed out. Also, the camera angle was bad and sort of looks up at me, making me appear to have a pig nose and no chin. So, based on this mildly humiliating venture, I have learned some tips for what to do if you have to appear on camera:

1) Don't get up at 4 a.m. the day that you're going to be filmed

2) If you are deathly pale from months of being holed up in your office desperately trying to write articles, don't wear a cream-colored jacket. Wear blue.

3) Consider make up, you dirty hippy.

4) Look slightly down when talking, not up. Don't expose your neck, this isn't a nightclub. Look down. That way you'll have a chin.

5) Remember that time when somebody once asked you if you had a thyroid condition because you like to bug your eyes out so much? Think that's a good look? Think again, sister.

I was re-hashing these handy tips with Jake and he said, skeptically, "would you even know how to put on makeup?" Okaaaay....no. Maybe I'm in bigger trouble than I thought.

Birthdays

The problem with birthdays as an adult is that if you want to do something fun or special on your birthday, you have to plan it out. But if you're really busy working, and then busy dealing with the kids the very minute you step through the door, and if you're always 5 steps behind when it comes to shopping and cleaning and cooking and weeding (which I am), then planning something fun just becomes another chore. A chore I'm too busy and tired to deal with, so, forget it.

So, for my birthday, I got to sleep in, which was really nice. The rest of my day was filled with grocery shopping, list planning, diaper changing, cooking dinner, cleaning, dispute mediation, and all of the other crappy drudgery that fills a weekend day, that day when I'm trying to get all of the stuff done I was too exhausted to do during the week. When I'm done writing this I have to work, coding 3 videos that are due on Monday, because I ran out of time during the week to get it done.

I think my life is a major example of why people should not have their kids in their thirties. You just don't have the energy anymore.

Anyway, that was that. I hit a low point at lunch time when I realized that the leftover pasta I was planning on eating for lunch was gone. Somebody else, I won't say who, had eaten it. There was nothing else in the house to eat, despite the fact that I must have stopped by Trader Joe's about 800 times on the way home from work this past week alone. So I grabbed my debit card and headed to the corner store to get a sandwich. I rounded up some items, the cashier ran them up, and then I found out that my card had expired 3 days ago and I had no cash on me. That was the low point, but things always turn around. We had a really nice afternoon lounging outside at the (kiddie) pool, sitting under the tree and dipping our feet in the water as the kids played and splashed. We could hear people in the park across the street tuning their guitars, because this evening the neighborhood held a music festival in the park. It's still going on and I'm listening to the music right now. We're a little slice of Americana right here, folks.

Birthdays in childhood often involved swimming at the lake, or in the pool, maybe a party, but always my favorite dinner (tuna noodle casserole), cake, and presents after dinner. Presents after dinner is actually a pretty great tradition to have for a birthday because it lends an air of excitement and anticipation to the entire day.

Things change as you get older, of course, but because it was a hot midwestern day today, I am remembering another hot midwestern birthday that is etched in my memory as one of the best. It was the year I turned 20. I was living in an apartment with 3 guys and they made a huge deal out of my birthday. My boyfriend at the time did this 7-day lead up in which I got presents every day for a week before my birthday. One the day of, they took me on a surprise trip, which turned out to be to a lake in Illinois. We were living in St. Louis and had to drive all the way to Illinois to find a lake for swimming, because there aren't any lakes in St. Louis. It was seriously like an hour or two away, but because swimming in the lake was one of my favorite things to do, that's what we did all day long.


There they are, along with a random kid who played with us that day, making sand castles and swimming and hanging out. I think my friends were trying to build the St. Louis Arch out of sand there. It was one of those quintessential summer days, in which you lounge around, swim, float on floaties, eat popsicles, and just exist in the moment of the awesomeness that is summer.

When we got back home my friends made tuna noodle casserole for me, which might be the last time I had that particular dish on my birthday. (Tastes change, but I'll always have a soft spot for it). Also, I remember that I got two cakes. The men made me one cake, and a friend of mine who was working at Baskin Robbins that summer also brought me an ice cream cake. She and a few other friends showed up and we ate tuna noodle casserole and two kinds of cake.

How awesome is that? My friend is shirtless because we lived on the 3rd floor in an apartment with no air conditioning in St. Louis in JULY, so it was probably about 110 degrees in there. With 98% humidity. I have all these other pictures of us playing games and being goofy that night in which everybody is minimally dressed and drenched in sweat, which didn't exactly bother us a lot because we were so used to it. That's just summer.

Later we drove over to my friend's house, probably because there was air conditioning there, and on the highway we had the windows down and the radio up and I remember sticking my hand out the window and feeling the wind rushing against it. That song was on the radio, the one that goes "No sugar tonight in my coffee, no sugar tonight in my tea. No sugar to stand beside me, no sugar to run with me." To this day that song reminds me of that night, and summer, and good friends, and being young, and the feeling that you are going to stay young forever.

I don't feel that way anymore, but on the bright side, I've got this:

Dinnertime Complaints

I need an orange bowl!

I don't want a lid on my cup!

I don't want that spoon! I need a blue spoon!

There's a squirrel outside! He's bothering me!

AAAAAAAHHHHH! My fingers are sticky! Wipe them off! Wipe them off!

There's a bug on the ceiling! Get it!

I don't want that!

There's a crumb on my bread! Get it off!

Aaaaaaa! I can't stab the noodle! Aaaaaaa! (Complete with tears)

I want a lid on my cup!

No! Take that lid off! I don't want a lid!

The sun is in my eyes! Make it go away!

I want to see your drink!

No! I don't want that! (We dared offer food)

I need a pink fork! Not a purple fork!

I need more milk!

He's looking at me!

Stop laughing! No laughing!

And that was just the first minute. We had another half hour to go. And you wonder why Mommy and Daddy drink...