Cardboard Swords

Milo's teacher talked to us about how he's been using inappropriate language at school. I don't mean cussing, but he's been saying aggressive things like "I'm going to kill you!" or "I hate you!" We haven't seen much of this at home, so I'm guessing he learned it at school to begin with, but we have heard some name calling, and hitting/pushing still remains an occasional issue with both of the kids.

The thing I discussed with his teacher is that traditional disciplinary measures like time outs or losing a privilege don't seem to work. Milo doesn't care about them all that much, he just accepts it as a tradeoff for acting how he wants to act. We already talk about empathy and how that makes the other person feel, and we rehearse through alternate things he could do, like saying, "I'm angry right now!" or "I don't like that!" or walking away, but clearly none of those are as satisfying to Milo as just saying something rude and aggressive.

The teacher didn't have great ideas, so I went home and thought about it. I decided to combine a reward system with loss of privileges, so that going a whole day using only kind words and actions can be a concrete goal. (I can totally embrace behaviorist principles when it suits me.) So we sat down and talked to the kids about how we're starting this new system up, and talked about why we're focusing on it because it's so important to use kind words and actions with others and find appropriate ways to be angry. I told them that if they could go all day with only kind words and actions (no name calling, no physical aggression), they'd get a star at the end of the day. If they used an unkind name or hit, pushed, etc., then they would lose the star and lose their iPad time. If they could go a whole week with a star every day, then they could pick out a special prize, like choosing a game we could all play together, or choosing a special video to watch. I made a chart and pinned it up on the wall and each night before bed, they put a star on the chart if they've earned it.

I knew the kids would need a lot of support, especially in the beginning, to remember to handle their conflicts appropriately. What I didn't really take into account was Jake. Basically it has ended up like this: On days when they're mostly with me, or with both of us but I'm there most of the time, they get a star. That's because I'm super vigilant about intervening early when they start to argue, reminding them about kind words and actions, modeling better stuff they can say, etc. I'm always on their case about it. On the days when Jake is watching them, or I'm gone for several hours and it's just them and Jake, they inevitably lose their stars. I totally should have predicted that. Jake is not the "early intervening to avoid a problem developing" type of parent. He's a "try to solve the problem after it has exploded" kind of parent. The kids can be 5 feet away devolving into an ever more heated argument and Jake would be oblivious, daydreaming about historical architecture or pirates or whatever he thinks about. It's only when somebody starts screaming/crying/bleeding that he'll come out of his reverie and look around to see what's going on.

So their chances of going a whole week with all stars and picking a prize seem pretty low, which is a bummer. But on the other hand, last night I got home from data collection and the kids were running around in their pajamas with a piece of string tied around their waists and cardboard swords hanging from the string "holsters". They were having a blast, playing with their swords and holsters. So yeah, Jake's not an early intervention kind of parent, but on the other hand, I'm not a "make a cardboard sword and string holster" kind of parent. Maybe the kids are lucky we're so different.