Sometimes I run into other twin parents and some of them like to tell me that it never gets any easier, it just gets different.

I think these people must be smoking crack.

Fall has arrived overnight and it's suddenly pretty chilly. We're turning on the heat, we're switching over to winter bedding, and last night I pulled out a long-sleeved pajama top. I think my mom bought it for me like a week after the twins were born. As soon as I pulled it out a wave of memories rushed over me. Sleeping in that pajama top with the twins in their bassinet right next to the bed. Going to sleep and setting the alarm for 10 p.m., 1 a.m., 4 a.m., and 7 a.m. Getting up in the middle of the night to feed the babies, praying that I could get the first one fed before the second one lost it completely and started screaming in distress. Those ill-advised nights when I tried, without success, to figure out a way to feed them both simultaneously and just ended up with two screaming babies. That feeling of relief I had when they were both fed, changed, swaddled, and back in their bassinet sleeping while I pumped. Hoping against hope that I could get the entire process completed in under 2 hours so that I could squeeze in an hour of sleep before the entire process began again.

Most of all, the anxiety. The fear of nighttime. The exhaustion. The constant, never-ending anxiety.

I honestly cannot imagine anything that we deal with now or will deal with later being that hard. Obviously there are tragic exceptions when parents have to deal with children who are very sick, or hurt, or something terrible like that. I'm not talking about those things, and I hope we will be lucky enough to avoid that kind of tragedy. But when it comes to the normal course of parenting, yes chasing two crawling babies who can pull up is exhausting. I'm sure dealing with two defiant toddlers will test my patience in ways I can only imagine. I have no doubt that it'll be hard. But hard like last winter? Hard like that? That hard? Hell no.

Things are so much easier now. I remember when the kids were about 3 months old a neighbor told me that even though I didn't know it, I was actually in the easy part and it would get harder when they became mobile. That thought depressed me a great deal because I already found the whole thing so hard. Well, it turns out that she was wrong. I could see how she'd be right if you just had one baby. But with two of them I was constantly afraid of the times when they would both need to be held or soothed or rocked or fed, and I only had enough arms to help one. When they were little they couldn't wait. Now, the babies can wait their turn. One can amuse herself in the jumper while I feed the other one. They play together (if stealing toys back and forth can be called "playing"). I can calm and soothe the baby who has to wait by talking to him while I feed or change the other one. It's nowhere near as hard as it used to be, and that's taking into account the fact that both of them are crawling around and pulling up and in constant danger of getting hurt.

I have to keep reminding myself as I sense winter approaching that it's going to be okay. That just because the weather is turning cold it doesn't meant that we're going to return to those times again. Things are good now! The babies sleep, more or less. Even if they wake, it's not like I'm getting up every 3 hours throughout the night, for 2 hours at a time. And heck, at least when they cry now, they cry for a reason. Usually a reason I can actually fix. I feel this weird dread stealing over me as the leaves fall and the nights turn chilly, but I have to remember, it's not going to be like that this winter. Things are different now.