On Monday neither baby napped much and they didn't have much of an appetite. I had to put them to bed by myself and it only took an hour and 15 minutes, which is a long time but at least it wasn't traumatic.
On Tuesday Jake and I had plans to go to an election party downtown. This was our chance to spend some time with friends we haven't seen in weeks, in some cases months, and share the excitement with everybody in an alcohol-infused haze of love. I had been looking forward to this night for weeks. We never get out, which is my fault because I haven't found a babysitter other than the twin whisperer who is usually booked solid. I don't know how to go about finding one good enough to handle two babies simultaneously. So anyway, we hadn't been out in ages, and I'd been waiting for that night for 8 years. It was a night I wanted to remember.
So of course that was the night that Nora had hysterics for over 2 hours, wouldn't let me leave, and freaked out if I passed her to the twin whisperer (who she normally loves). By the time I finally got her to go to sleep it was late, I hadn't even gotten dressed, the party was half over, and Jake had given up and changed into his pajamas. Our opportunity to get out of the house had passed us by. And I was mad. Boy, was I mad. It took every ounce of self control I had to not scream at Nora, and I'm not proud of that. I just couldn't get over the timing of it. Nora hadn't cried inconsolably like that since she was a tiny infant. I don't know why she did that night, of all nights.
Nora got fewer than 9 hours of sleep that night and the next day I had the babies all to myself all day long. They were so overtired and congested that they couldn't nap. They napped for 15 minutes in the morning, which I'm pretty sure doesn't count, and only half an hour in the afternoon. The rest of the day was filled with clingy, moaning, unhappy kids. Whichever kid I wasn't holding at the time would cry at the unfairness of it all. Finally I tossed them in the stroller and took a 90-minute walk hoping they would sleep, but instead they just passed into a waking trance as they watched the giant piles of red and yellow leaves on the sidewalks.
Wednesday night, more of the same. More crying from Nora, refusals to eat or go to sleep. At first I thought she must be in pain, as it's unheard of for her to refuse to settle in my arms and just cry like that. But every time I walked out of the nursery, she immediately started smiling and laughing with glee. Every time I returned to the dark nursery, she immediately started screaming, thrashing, pulling my hair, clawing at my neck and face, and fighting me. It was exhausting, it was infuriating. She only slept a few hours before she woke at 2 a.m. and was up for another hour. So it was a sleepless night in the middle of a lousy week.
Today, thank God, the twin whisperer came and I went to work. I'm not proud of that either. Never have I been so relieved to go to work. Tonight I had to put them to sleep by myself again and it was again traumatic. Whichever baby I wasn't holding/rocking was crying and screaming. First I held Nora while Milo cried. Then I felt sorry for Milo so I held him while Nora cried. I realized that I was going to have to let one baby cry him or herself to sleep, because that was the only way I would ever get them both to sleep. Otherwise it was me in the nursery holding one while the other screamed, and the screaming one prevented the one I was holding from settling down anyway. I was going to have to leave the room with one baby and let the other one cry, which is just sad, sad, sad. I left Milo to cry because I thought he would calm down quickly, whereas I know from experience that Nora is capable of crying for hours on end. Fortunately, he settled down and went to sleep after only 5 minutes, but I still felt like a heel for doing that to him. We've never let him cry before.
There is nothing worse than sick babies. It is so cruel that we can no longer give them any decongestants -- those bulb syringes, saline drops, and humidifiers don't do jack when a baby is seriously stuffed up. All week long both babies have had massive quantities of snot oozing out of their noses. It's a real joyfest around here, I can tell you.
I feel like I am seriously not cut out for parenthood. Weeks like this just do me in. The babies deserve better than having some crappy mother who secretly gets mad at them for ruining her chance at a night out and who secretly feels relief at being able to escape to work. Unfortunately for them, all they've got is me, so I'm trying to be better. Every day I'm trying to be better.
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