I miss the kids when I am at work all day, especially on Wednesday because I teach an afternoon/evening class and don't get home until they have already gone to bed. Jake feeds them dinner and puts them to bed without me on those days. I did the same thing one night a week last semester when he had a night class. We trade off who gets up with them in the mornings. So far, the balance feels pretty good.
It has been harder than I'd predicted to share parenting duties so evenly with Jake. It is something I believe in, intellectually. I believe in it...in the abstract. In reality, though, it can be hard to relinquish control. (Stop smirking. Yes, I know, you believe I am a control freak). So yeah, I admit it -- it's hard to let go. It is hard to leave them with Jake sometimes because frankly, I just feel like I am better at it. I'll try harder to get them to eat or drink. I'll spend more time playing with them. I'll rush to their side more quickly if somebody bumps a head. I talk to them more. I'm more attentive. I'm more anal. I'm more uptight. In reality, I know that being with Jake is good for Nora and Milo. It's good for them to spend time with a parent who is more easygoing, less likely to get frustrated, more willing to take a step back and let them do their own thing a little more, go with the flow, make some mistakes. They definitely cry more when they are with Jake. On the other hand, I'm the one who is probably more likely to give them some sort of complex about food because I'm always trying to control them so much.
One benefit of splitting the care so evenly is that Jake and I are totally on the same page about family matters. He and I both get how hard it is to take care of kids. We are both equally exhausted at the end of the day. We both have the same awe and reverence for stay-at-home parents, knowing how truly challenging it would be. I think Jake gets that in a way that a lot of dads probably don't. His respect for people in that role is enormous because he knows how drained he is every Sunday night after 3 days chasing two toddlers all over the place. It's nice that I can commiserate with him, the way I would with a girlfriend, knowing that he knows what it's like and what I'm going through, and vice versa.
I am still the one who makes the doctor's appointments, figures out when the kids need new shoes or sleepers, researches car seats, buys all of the food, makes all of the baby food, and worries about things like getting them out of the house because they might be bored. Our division of labor isn't perfect. Part of it is that I as a female have been socialized to do all of these tasks, and Jake as a male has been socialized to expect that they'll be done for him. But part of it is also that control thing. We've both been trying to shift some of this stuff a little bit. Jake will plan and prepare some of the meals each weeks, and I will do the others. Jake has taken over responsibility for the pet maintenance, so I make doctor's appointments and he makes vet appointments. He is just as likely as I am to do most of the cleaning tasks, and is more likely to do some of them (like clean the bathroom). So, it's a work in progress, but I feel pretty good about how it is going.
I have read a lot of articles recently, like the one in Parenting magazine (which I'm not going to link to because it's such a stupid, crappy rag), about how moms are mad and resentful. They're mad at their husbands for not carrying their weight, they're mad that their husbands take them for granted, they're mad that their husbands don't see all of the hundred little tasks that need doing every day and get done every day.
Whenever I see these articles I share them with Jake and then he asks if I am mad, too. Being honest, I might tell him that yeah, I do get mad sometimes because things still don't feel as equal as they should be. Mostly, I get mad because I feel like he should be doing things differently...but then I realize, what I'm really saying is that he should be doing the kind of job that I am doing with the kids. And that's just dumb. He's not me, and thank goodness for that.
Jake is so responsive to these issues that it diffuses any resentment that might build up, and I reflect on how lucky the kids and I are to have him as a father and a husband.
One last thing -- it really bothers me how many people thoughtlessly toss around phrases like "I don't want strangers to raise my kid." Funny how you never hear people worrying about that once the child is 5 and in kindergarten. Kids are in school for as many hours a day as they're in daycare, but once they're in school people magically stop worrying about "strangers" raising (or teaching) their children. Having somebody else care for your child during business hours does not mean that a stranger is "raising" your child. And of course, for us, the twin whisperer is anything but a stranger.
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