Things have been hard lately.
I think I am sort of deciding to go up for tenure in fall 2011, i.e. 2 years from now, not 1. It is related to a complicated series of events, for instance, I got invited to write a book chapter due in a couple of months, but if I write the book chapter this fall then that will delay my second signature piece, which is needed for my tenure case. (Book chapters don't count for tenure here, but this one would be good for non-tenure reasons given the other people involved, who the publisher is, the amount of exposure it would get me, etc). If my second piece is delayed, I won't get it submitted and therefore accepted in time to go up next fall, and so on and so forth. In reality about 3 different things, all super unlikely (I have statistics for it -- each thing would have about a 5% - 10% chance of happening), would ALL have to happen this year for me to be ready to go up next fall. I've had enough probability courses to know the chances of all 3 happening.
Anyway...if I give myself my full 2 years extension on the clock, it means I could relax a little. I could keep working hard and pushing to get a paper written for the chapter, then write my second signature piece, then write a 3rd piece I'm jointly authoring with somebody, but know that I have time, an extra cushion built in.
But more importantly I think it would help me through the nights. I got so angry last night. I am so, so tired of being tired. I am sick and tired of feeling like shit all the time, and then constantly worrying about how my exhaustion is messing with my writing and publishing pace. Taking a step back and taking the time I need might help me say to myself, during those hopeless moments at night, "It's okay, you've committed to raising these kids, you don't have to get everything done all at once, you have time."
Today as I walked home from work I got to my street and stopped to talk with 2 neighbors, both professors here on the tenure track, and they both kept saying "Why not take the time you've been given? It's your right, take it! Make it so that you can have a sane life over the next 2 years instead of driving yourself crazy constantly." I don't know, it helped. They're not in my department but they know my kids, they know the mom side of me rather than the work side of me, and for some reason, it helped.
My tenure committee chair helped too. Tonight he sent an email that included this: "Tenure can wreak havoc on one's psyche that's for sure. The bottom line (and most important line) is that YOU WILL GET TENURE." That kind of support and reassurance does help.
Sometimes the pressure to keep my job, to be the sole financial support for the family, to be the one up with Nora night after night, to do a good job raising the kids, to control myself so that I don't slip up and yell at 3 a.m., to figure out their childcare each semester, the pressure to do all of this mothering and working simultaneously is just more than I can take. Lately I've been feeling like I'm not strong enough to handle it and I am reaching some sort of breaking point. So maybe mentally giving myself my full 2 years' extension can be a way to lighten all that pressure a little bit. If all of the necessary things did magically happen to fall into place this year, we could still reconsider next fall and put me up in the spring. But if not...that's okay.
Also maybe taking the full 2 year extension is a way of saying to myself, this mothering thing is actually a big fucking deal. Stop pretending that it is just some side hobby that doesn't really interfere with my work. It is wholly consuming, and it matters, and what I've been doing with my time over the past 2 years is important, and is worth acknowledging.
This is what I have been doing, and this matters:
2 comments:
Take the extension! Do it! Having those wonderful children is a HUGE deal, and the extension is offered for a reason.
So so so glad to hear that you are getting reassurance from people with power over this decision, too. I am not surprised, but I am happy to hear that people are communicating with you explicitly and positively.
Why would you NOT do this? Because you want to get is all over with? It's not clear to me why you wouldn't take the extension.
I'm cheering for you and excited about all of your opportunities and the good things coming your way and all of the good things currently in your life.
You're right...why would I not do it? I think partly because my committee and dept. was assuming I wouldn't take the full extension, so they've been encouraging me to go up a little earlier and I was just going along with it for a while.
But my guess is that the real reason has more to do with identity and stubbornness. Like, I'm not that lame person on the slow track, I'm the awesome person who can get it ALL done and in a timely manner too! And that attitude is what needs adjusting. I think I need to start explicitly telling myself that taking the extension does not equal lame!!!
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