Today

Today was my day home with the kids. After a breakfast of peanut butter and jelly bagel (Milo likes jelly, Nora likes peanut butter) and applesauce with yogurt I took the kids to story hour at a local university book store. Milo stood and stared wide-eyed at all of the other kids, and when it was time for stories he walked right up in front of the lady reading to get a better look at the pictures. Nora, meanwhile, clung to me and periodically announced in her loud, piercing voice "I need to get in my car right now." (Her way of saying, let's get in the car and go back home, instead of being here with all of these people.) Her lip quivered and her eyes brimmed, but tears did not fall. By the end of story hour Nora had progressed to asking "Where did the ice rink go?" when the lady read a story about ice skating.

As we dispersed several moms asked me how old they were and commented on their great vocabularies and how much they talk. They sure are talkers, these two.

In the car Milo became agitated because, in his words, he doesn't like the sun. And the sun was out in full force today. The kids are still at the age where they think I can control things like the sun, the wind, an airplane, etc. They think I can make these things go away or make them come again. Sadly, I cannot, so Milo had to endure the foreign harshness of the sun today.

As soon as we got home Milo melted down because he wanted me to hold him the whole time. (Which I cannot do while making lunch). All through lunch, Milo would only say "Mommy hold you. Mommy hold you. Mommy hold you. Mommy hold you." I'm pretty sure I heard that phrase about 2 or 3 hundred times today. He has developed this weird thing where he wants me to hold him all the time, and he cries if I don't hold him.

This used to be Nora's territory. The very strange thing is that now that Milo is doing this, Nora has backed way off and she's not clamoring to be held nearly as much anymore. She'll mostly sit back and let Milo do it, and she'll let me hold Milo. Do they decide to take turns or something?

A 2.5 hour nap (or at least 2.5 hours being quiet) enabled me to get some work done this afternoon, and once the kids were up I made them a smoothie for their snack, which they ate with banana bread. Later we had a bath, which suddenly Milo doesn't like any more. Baths used to be his favorite. Today in the bath it was just more "Mommy hold you." Nora still enjoys her bath. We did not go outside this afternoon because it was 5 degrees, and I have my limits.

I chopped some sweet bell peppers for dinner tonight and as I cooked them Milo ate pepper after pepper. He loves the things, raw and cooked. At least one of my children will eat vegetables! It brings it home how little I can control these things, and how much of it is just who they are. Nora did try edamame the other day, which impressed me. She spit it out, but at least she tried it. At dinner Milo did something particularly heinous, I can't remember what, but it caused Jake to say "Are you nuts?". Milo thought this was the funniest word ever and he kept telling Nora "Say nuts!" Nora would then say, "Nuts!" and Milo would crack up. Eventually this had all of us cracking up.

After dinner I read a new book to the kids called "Mama Always Comes Home." Then I talked to them for the first time about how I'm going to go on a trip in a few days, not now, but later, and I'm going to get on a plane and will be gone for a couple of nights, and then I'll come back home. Then we read "Mama Always Comes Home" a couple more times. Milo seemed totally uninterested in this trip business, but Nora was listening carefully and thinking it over. All she said was "Mommy's not going to go right now." My plan is to talk about it again tomorrow and Saturday so that it won't be a surprise when I leave on Sunday, and to keep emphasizing how I will come back after a couple of days.

In what seems to be the new equilibrium, the kids talked and sang for a good 45 minutes tonight before finally falling asleep. I heard them singing "Ba ba black sheep", "Ring around the rosie", "Down by the station", and "Frosty the snowman." (Which reminds me. This morning I pulled on a shirt that said "Ho ho ho" and Nora looked at it and started singing Jingle Bells, telling me that I had jingle bells on my shirt. What?) But I figure once the kids are in bed it's no sweat off my back, as long as they're not upset or crying. I can't force them to sleep. What I do do is let them stay in their cribs for 12 hours (7:30 to 7:30), and if they don't sleep all 12 hours, well, I can't force it. In the morning they're usually awake for about half an hour before we go in there, but they're never anxious to get up. They like just hanging out in there.

Worked again from 7:30 - 10:30, and now it's 11:15 so I should probably go to bed. It's hard, of course, because this is the time when my brain starts to actually wake up. I feel more awake now than I have all day.

I have a friend in the throes of "up at all hours of the night" with a new baby right now, and she was reminding me of what that's like. Like how quiet it is at 3 a.m., and how you feel like you're the only one in the world who is awake, you and your baby, and how dark it is, and how everything looks and feels different at that time of night. How you feel this sudden burst of resentment and exhaustion as soon as you hear that first piercing cry, but once you pick up your baby it has disappeared and is replaced with affection. How the next morning you drink caffeine to make it through the day and you have that sick to your stomach feeling of too much caffeine and not enough food on no sleep. How you feel like you're close to keeling over every time you stand up. How you just have to put one foot in front of the other over and over and over again, and know that this is all temporary.

And here I am, (I hope) on the other side of it, with toddlers who more or less sleep. 3 a.m. feedings are a thing of the past. I don't miss it. I do miss, however, that tiny little bundle in my arms, nuzzled up to me.