Things are exhausting right now because with the in-laws here, Nora is seriously clingy and not willing to play with them or let me or Jake out of her sight. Milo is doing well and loves all of the attention. Nora, however, is feeling very insecure and any time my MiL walks into the room or approaches Nora, she cries and demands that I hold her. This makes it really hard to cook dinner (which I have to do every day this week) or get anything else done. Last night we left the kids with the in-laws and went to a party. The party was awesome, but I think we might have pushed things too much in leaving the kids with the in-laws because Nora just freaked out and is probably more clingy today as a result. Poor kid. She just doesn't seem to feel safe in the world right now. So I'm holding her all the time. One day she won't want to be held all the time, and I'll probably miss it.
Meanwhile I've been thinking about last year's resolution...
By 2009 I was ready to try to regain some control over my body, and I've been working on that all year. It's gone pretty well. I lost 12 pounds but my real goal was something more like 16, so maybe that goal wasn't realistic in this new post-baby body I have. But maybe it is, because I could have done more in '09. I did re-discover my love of running and exercise, and finding (making) the time for it has been a very positive thing. I changed how I eat. I could probably change some more. I put on a few pounds during the hectic time in the fall and over the holidays, but now the holidays are over so I am working on taking them off again. The way I see it, this is a journey that isn't going to end. I will always have to be somewhat deliberate about my choices if I want to stay fit.
So I see 2010 as a year to continue the changes I made in '09 and maybe even to shift from recovery to thriving. When New Year's 2008 arrived, I could barely even walk around the block, and was in constant pain. It was months before I was able to walk anywhere without serious back pain. So I have come a long way in 2 years. I have a complicated relationship with fitness now because my body is so messed up and simultaneously aging. It is clear that my belly is never going to recover or look "normal" again. In addition, I am getting old, so sometimes I feel like I am just way past my prime and ready to be put out to pasture, so why bother?
My reasons to bother are more about feeling strong and fit now, rather than looking good, I guess. Those reasons are more motivating now since the whole looks thing is just a losing battle. But it does feel good to feel strong. To be able to run. To be more in shape. To have more energy. And it feels good when I am at a lighter weight, it feels better in terms of how my body does running, how my clothes fit, etc. So, the work continues. I have been continuously working on this for a year now and feel motivated to keep going, which I think is a sign of the right attitude -- dietary/exercise changes can't be temporary, right? It has to be a lifelong thing.
I struggle with guilt and time, like every mother. I am either parenting or I am working. Taking the time to exercise means burdening Jake with extra childcare duties, and I feel guilty about that. I also feel guilty about taking the time away from the kids because I'm already away from them enough when I am at work. It feels indulgent, it feels a little wrong to take that time, but it is important for my health and well being, so I'm going to keep doing it. The solitary days of grad school, when I could work out every day and create whatever schedule I wanted for myself, those days are over. (Man, that was luxurious). The shape of it has changed now, the shape of my life is completely different now, but I can still focus on fitness, just in a different way. Fitness as an element of a balanced life is what I want to continue for 2010.
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