Distracted by the low-grade background tension of not being good enough, I look out the window and wash the dishes. I am not thinking about how it is tiring to be around somebody who dislikes you, who struggles to tolerate you in all of your ugly imperfections. This knowledge of your unlikability makes you even more unlikable. Like a physical discomfort you can't quite put aside, the tag that keeps scratching your neck, your awareness of your distastefulness keeps rearing up and making you do things that are worse and worse. You say the wrong thing and need to be corrected. You forget to put something in the right spot. You dirty the place. You feel like a pollutant on the crisp, clean scenery around you. Without you there, everything would be just so. People would interact in harmony and nobody would ever trip over the backpack you left by the door.
I spend so much mental energy not thinking about those things as I wash the dishes that I feel a sudden release of pressure in my hands and look down to see that I have broken a glass into two jagged pieces. Just another mistake.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Cold September Day
This morning I walked to work amongst throngs of red-clad game goers. It was bizarrely cold for September. Game day is a pleasant assault on the senses. Competing beats from different sound systems, the warm smoke and pleasant scents of grilling bratwurst, the sharp tinge of beer, a sea of red wherever you look.
It was early for people to start moving towards the stadium, but a few began to mill about the entrances.
Nora was also decked out in head to toe red this morning. By the time I got home this evening, Milo was wearing the same thing (although he wouldn't let me photograph it).
It was early for people to start moving towards the stadium, but a few began to mill about the entrances.
Nora was also decked out in head to toe red this morning. By the time I got home this evening, Milo was wearing the same thing (although he wouldn't let me photograph it).
Today was also exciting because we had our vanity replaced. The former owners had repurposed an antique cabinet for the vanity. It looked cool, but the cabinet was actually in pretty bad shape and they had never put the proper type of varnish or sealant or whatever on it so it didn't hold up well in the bathroom.
We wanted to replace it but couldn't find anything that would work, in part due to the size. Given our small house we need a vanity with a cabinet, rather than, say, a pedestal sink; we need the storage capacity. But we couldn't find anything that fit our space. I wanted something that was made out of real wood, which it turns out is difficult to find. So ultimately we decided to have somebody make a vanity exactly for our space. She used a local hardwood and installed it today.
We are super pleased with how it turned out. The sink and faucet are new too. Stuff like this is what keeps us tied to our little house; nowhere we moved would have a vanity like that.
Today I got my slides ready for a talk I have to give in Bloomington on Thursday. I also finally finished reviewing a friend's draft manuscript; it is 92 pages. (A typical journal article draft is usually about 40 pages). Crazy! It was an interesting and enjoyable read but man, can you tell when somebody is converting his or her dissertation into that first article. It reminds me of one time when a couple of senior professors who were at the time editors of major journals gave a little informal colloquium to grad students in our department about publishing. One of the students asked about publishing off her dissertation, and one editor said that usually those manuscripts are pretty good, because the dissertation study itself had already been vetted so thoroughly. The other editor disagreed, saying he could spot a dissertation-based manuscript in a heartbeat. He said, "Every time I lay my eyes on one of those manuscripts, I can hear it singing, I'm an assistant professor, I'm an assistant professor!"
Anyway. Good study. Long paper.
The kids are catching a little cold and it has me worried because I feel like this week neither of us can afford to stay home. Monday I have meetings and am skyping in to critical famous guy's analysis session. (I can just imagine trying to do that with sick kids in the background). Tuesday I have all of these appointments to try to get myself decent looking (haircut, etc.) because I have to be filmed for something the following week. Then Wed-Fri I'm out of town. No use borrowing trouble, I suppose. If they're sick, they're sick, and we'll just deal with it. Hopefully this doesn't mean I'll be sick on my little trip.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Wednesday
Last night I heard Nora call out in the middle of the night, "NO MILO!" She even fights with him in her sleep.
Today Milo came to me and indignantly reported, "Nora has a tone of voice!"
We had some tomatoes still green on the vine. Fried green tomato salad with goat cheese is an awesome solution for that. Yum yum yum.
Both kids now want to be Spiderman for Halloween. So long, days of adorable homemade cats and monsters for Halloween.
Milo jumps into the pool by himself now, and then "swims" (with some help from his teacher Jon) back to the side.
Tonight at dinner Nora said, "What is 4 plus 4? Is it 5?" I said, "Say you have 4 grapes. Then I gave you 4 more grapes. How many grapes would you have?" She thought for a minute, and I could see her mentally picturing those grape sets and counting them. She concluded that she would have 8 grapes. I'm impressed that Nora has interiorized these counting actions (rather than having to physically see and touch objects to solve that kind of problem).
Today Milo came to me and indignantly reported, "Nora has a tone of voice!"
We had some tomatoes still green on the vine. Fried green tomato salad with goat cheese is an awesome solution for that. Yum yum yum.
Both kids now want to be Spiderman for Halloween. So long, days of adorable homemade cats and monsters for Halloween.
Milo jumps into the pool by himself now, and then "swims" (with some help from his teacher Jon) back to the side.
Tonight at dinner Nora said, "What is 4 plus 4? Is it 5?" I said, "Say you have 4 grapes. Then I gave you 4 more grapes. How many grapes would you have?" She thought for a minute, and I could see her mentally picturing those grape sets and counting them. She concluded that she would have 8 grapes. I'm impressed that Nora has interiorized these counting actions (rather than having to physically see and touch objects to solve that kind of problem).
Monday, September 17, 2012
Good Work Things
Well, in contrast to my last post, work brings some good things too.
1) I decided to share a paper with this really critical scholar. Critical scholar had criticized me and others in a talk in June for not doing this big thing that he thinks the field should be doing overall. So over the summer I wrote a paper trying to do that thing. I asked if he'd like to read it and he said yes. I knew he'd be super critical, and he was, but he also invited me out to NYC to learn more about how his analysis process works! How cool is that?
2) I acted as a strand leader to coordinate reviews in my area of expertise for an annual conference. I am also on the steering committee for the conference. Today the conference hotel gave the organizers 10 free upgrades and the organizers gave one of them to me for the work I did - so now I get a king suite at the conference! Woo!
3) I'm in a dept. with some people who study early literacy. One of them is a woman who actually runs an entire huge statewide program to help teachers learn how to teach their youngest students how to read. So today in our faculty meeting I was all, "Yeah, I'm thinking about reading all the time because Nora is starting to do blah blah blah and I don't what what I should do with that." Like, should I be doing certain things? Avoiding certain things? Milo is getting interested in sounding out words now too, so they're both into it and ask us to do it with them, so are there ways we can be effective? When it comes to math, I'm all over that, but reading? Clueless. So anyway my colleague was all, hey, let's go to lunch and I'll show you what to do, and I have all of these materials I can give you to help! How great is it that I happen to work with a bunch of experts in childhood development?
1) I decided to share a paper with this really critical scholar. Critical scholar had criticized me and others in a talk in June for not doing this big thing that he thinks the field should be doing overall. So over the summer I wrote a paper trying to do that thing. I asked if he'd like to read it and he said yes. I knew he'd be super critical, and he was, but he also invited me out to NYC to learn more about how his analysis process works! How cool is that?
2) I acted as a strand leader to coordinate reviews in my area of expertise for an annual conference. I am also on the steering committee for the conference. Today the conference hotel gave the organizers 10 free upgrades and the organizers gave one of them to me for the work I did - so now I get a king suite at the conference! Woo!
3) I'm in a dept. with some people who study early literacy. One of them is a woman who actually runs an entire huge statewide program to help teachers learn how to teach their youngest students how to read. So today in our faculty meeting I was all, "Yeah, I'm thinking about reading all the time because Nora is starting to do blah blah blah and I don't what what I should do with that." Like, should I be doing certain things? Avoiding certain things? Milo is getting interested in sounding out words now too, so they're both into it and ask us to do it with them, so are there ways we can be effective? When it comes to math, I'm all over that, but reading? Clueless. So anyway my colleague was all, hey, let's go to lunch and I'll show you what to do, and I have all of these materials I can give you to help! How great is it that I happen to work with a bunch of experts in childhood development?
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Escapism
My day at home on the weekend was a very nice day. We had weather in the 80s, which might be the last warm spell this season, and we spent a lot of time outside, at the park, in the yard, riding bikes up and down the sidewalk, trimming back our plantings and getting ready for autumn.
We took advantage of the nice weather to light up the grill and we made these incredible sandwiches with marinated grilled portobellos and roasted red peppers. I also made a dish of curried tomatoes with onions in yogurt that Nora helped prepare. Under my supervision she chopped up the onions and sliced the tomatoes, and watched with interest as we stirred the pot. And so it begins. Next time it will be Milo's turn.
We also had our first family movie night that night. We watched a movie about a turtle's journey and I have to say, it was fun to all pile onto the sofa/bed with our pillows and blankets together. Milo, unaccustomed to the length of movies, kept worrying it was over with each transition, and started asking after 5 minutes whether it was over yet. Nora said, "Now we have family movie night and we have family game night, what other family nights can we have?" Good question.
This weekend we also had a football game on Saturday night. A lot of people wanted to watch it, so neighbors strung up a giant sheet in the park and broadcast the game on the sheet, the same way we do for neighborhood movie nights. Adults sat out on picnic blankets with their beers. I am still not interested in football games but I like the general atmosphere of the whole thing.
Today while I was at work the kids spent a lot of time with their next door neighbor, a 5-year old who they totally adore. Tonight during shower time they told me that she told them that the tooth fairy and Santa Claus are really us. I asked them, "Do you really believe that? That Santa is US?!?" They said, "Noooo!" grinning, like it was a silly idea. I hope that didn't totally destroy their belief in these magical things. I mean, they're only 4. I was kind of bummed out that she told them that. I wonder if I should (nicely) talk to their mom about it?
Today while I was at work I also endured another onslaught of mathematician emails, and the whole thing has gotten really bad. I mean, it's hard to describe the complexity of the situation or the reasons behind the emails but one mathematician in particular has become bullying and harassing, and I've had enough. I have had 39 emails from him on this one issue (since Thursday), each one more aggressive than the last, and he has violated some established protocols (like cc'ing inappropriate people, and refusing to adhere to committee principles about decision making processes), and then he has begun to engage in specific threats, and today he carried out one of those threats. Another mathematician has also engaged in a more mild form of garden-variety sexism, which is annoying but I can handle it, but the 39 emails guy's arrogance and outright public mocking and dismissal of my factually-correct points borders on malignant.
So I lost an hour and a half of my work time to this ridiculousness and my blood pressure was through the roof and then I finally had an epiphany. I realized that I do not need to put up with this. I have tenure now. So I sent a strongly worded response to the malignant mathematician explaining that his behavior was bullying and harassing, and I directly requested that he stop immediately. I also cc'd his chair, which is not as bold as it sounds because he was already cc'ing the chair on about 80% of his emails anyway. Then I decided that I would bounce back, unread, any further emails from this one individual.
Then I locked up my office and walked home. In the time it took me to walk home, malignant mathematician had sent me two more emails. Which I promptly bounced back, unread. And lo and behold, I do feel much lighter now.
What does all of this mean? Many things, but the one thing I'm focusing on is that I need a sabbatical. So my mind keeps drifting to next year's (knock on wood) sabbatical. I am fantasizing about what that'll be like. I will send the kids off on the school bus and then I imagine splitting my day between exercise, writing/research, and domestic tasks. I fantasize about doing a lot of things that I like the idea of doing, in the abstract, but often don't do because I don't have time. Things like seasonally-focused baking that involves cookie cutters in the right shapes. Or seasonally-appropriate decorating. Like, with gourds and pumpkins. Working on various home maintenance tasks in a regular way. Having a truly spic-and-span little house with everything in its place; warm, inviting, comforting. Having the kids come home to the scent of apple cider mulling on the stove, or freshly-baked muffins. Homemaker fantasies, I guess. They are very appealing to me, and I crave the introspection, silence, and solitude that would come from a year of working from home, working exclusively on research tasks.
No politics for a year. No meetings. No service. Automatic out-of-office reply on my email. No need to engage with the mathematicians for an entire year. Oh my God, it sounds awesome.
We took advantage of the nice weather to light up the grill and we made these incredible sandwiches with marinated grilled portobellos and roasted red peppers. I also made a dish of curried tomatoes with onions in yogurt that Nora helped prepare. Under my supervision she chopped up the onions and sliced the tomatoes, and watched with interest as we stirred the pot. And so it begins. Next time it will be Milo's turn.
We also had our first family movie night that night. We watched a movie about a turtle's journey and I have to say, it was fun to all pile onto the sofa/bed with our pillows and blankets together. Milo, unaccustomed to the length of movies, kept worrying it was over with each transition, and started asking after 5 minutes whether it was over yet. Nora said, "Now we have family movie night and we have family game night, what other family nights can we have?" Good question.
This weekend we also had a football game on Saturday night. A lot of people wanted to watch it, so neighbors strung up a giant sheet in the park and broadcast the game on the sheet, the same way we do for neighborhood movie nights. Adults sat out on picnic blankets with their beers. I am still not interested in football games but I like the general atmosphere of the whole thing.
Today while I was at work the kids spent a lot of time with their next door neighbor, a 5-year old who they totally adore. Tonight during shower time they told me that she told them that the tooth fairy and Santa Claus are really us. I asked them, "Do you really believe that? That Santa is US?!?" They said, "Noooo!" grinning, like it was a silly idea. I hope that didn't totally destroy their belief in these magical things. I mean, they're only 4. I was kind of bummed out that she told them that. I wonder if I should (nicely) talk to their mom about it?
Today while I was at work I also endured another onslaught of mathematician emails, and the whole thing has gotten really bad. I mean, it's hard to describe the complexity of the situation or the reasons behind the emails but one mathematician in particular has become bullying and harassing, and I've had enough. I have had 39 emails from him on this one issue (since Thursday), each one more aggressive than the last, and he has violated some established protocols (like cc'ing inappropriate people, and refusing to adhere to committee principles about decision making processes), and then he has begun to engage in specific threats, and today he carried out one of those threats. Another mathematician has also engaged in a more mild form of garden-variety sexism, which is annoying but I can handle it, but the 39 emails guy's arrogance and outright public mocking and dismissal of my factually-correct points borders on malignant.
So I lost an hour and a half of my work time to this ridiculousness and my blood pressure was through the roof and then I finally had an epiphany. I realized that I do not need to put up with this. I have tenure now. So I sent a strongly worded response to the malignant mathematician explaining that his behavior was bullying and harassing, and I directly requested that he stop immediately. I also cc'd his chair, which is not as bold as it sounds because he was already cc'ing the chair on about 80% of his emails anyway. Then I decided that I would bounce back, unread, any further emails from this one individual.
Then I locked up my office and walked home. In the time it took me to walk home, malignant mathematician had sent me two more emails. Which I promptly bounced back, unread. And lo and behold, I do feel much lighter now.
What does all of this mean? Many things, but the one thing I'm focusing on is that I need a sabbatical. So my mind keeps drifting to next year's (knock on wood) sabbatical. I am fantasizing about what that'll be like. I will send the kids off on the school bus and then I imagine splitting my day between exercise, writing/research, and domestic tasks. I fantasize about doing a lot of things that I like the idea of doing, in the abstract, but often don't do because I don't have time. Things like seasonally-focused baking that involves cookie cutters in the right shapes. Or seasonally-appropriate decorating. Like, with gourds and pumpkins. Working on various home maintenance tasks in a regular way. Having a truly spic-and-span little house with everything in its place; warm, inviting, comforting. Having the kids come home to the scent of apple cider mulling on the stove, or freshly-baked muffins. Homemaker fantasies, I guess. They are very appealing to me, and I crave the introspection, silence, and solitude that would come from a year of working from home, working exclusively on research tasks.
No politics for a year. No meetings. No service. Automatic out-of-office reply on my email. No need to engage with the mathematicians for an entire year. Oh my God, it sounds awesome.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Reader
SHEEP ON A SHIP
MY BIG BOY
A BIG DOG
MY BIG BIRD
Just a few of the many sentences Nora read this morning! Seems like it's all starting to suddenly come together for her!
MY BIG BOY
A BIG DOG
MY BIG BIRD
Just a few of the many sentences Nora read this morning! Seems like it's all starting to suddenly come together for her!
Friday, September 14, 2012
19
That's the number of emails I have received from fucktard mathematician douchebags over the past 24 hours about a ridiculous issue they just can't be logical about. With each passing email, the fetid, puss-laden excrement pile grows higher and higher. Listen, asshats, stop swinging your dicks around trying to intimidate me because it's not going to fucking work!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Quiet
I am working from home today, with the windows open to feel the warm cross breeze. The weather in September reminds me of bay area weather; sunny and warm in the afternoons, cooler in the evenings and mornings. Little humidity. This signifies the onset of autumn.
I enjoy being in my office at work and talking with people, but I like being home too, taking advantage of having fresh air and lots of light and total quiet. I am trying to arrange it so that I can have at least one regular work day at home each week. This is harder than I'd anticipated, thanks to 3 weekly project meetings, monthly faculty / secondary ed / IRB / special committee meetings, individual student meetings, and twice monthly brown bags with my advisees (something new I'm instituting this year).
My favorite months of the year are anything that's not January - March.
Milo has glommed on to any muttered cuss that any grownup around him (okay...usually me...) might have uttered in, oh, the last two years. Which means that this morning I heard the kids having an angry argument upstairs, and then I heard Milo tell Nora, "Nora, close the god damn door!"
This morning I was walking down the hall of the kids' school after dropping them off in their classroom and a new art teacher passed me, and stopped and said, "Are you Nora's mom?" When I said yes she said I look exactly like her. How weird!
I enjoy being in my office at work and talking with people, but I like being home too, taking advantage of having fresh air and lots of light and total quiet. I am trying to arrange it so that I can have at least one regular work day at home each week. This is harder than I'd anticipated, thanks to 3 weekly project meetings, monthly faculty / secondary ed / IRB / special committee meetings, individual student meetings, and twice monthly brown bags with my advisees (something new I'm instituting this year).
My favorite months of the year are anything that's not January - March.
Milo has glommed on to any muttered cuss that any grownup around him (okay...usually me...) might have uttered in, oh, the last two years. Which means that this morning I heard the kids having an angry argument upstairs, and then I heard Milo tell Nora, "Nora, close the god damn door!"
This morning I was walking down the hall of the kids' school after dropping them off in their classroom and a new art teacher passed me, and stopped and said, "Are you Nora's mom?" When I said yes she said I look exactly like her. How weird!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Milestones
One thing I really love about my gym class is that we talk about epistemology, politics, social justice, and philosophy, and the people who I'm talking to are super progressive. My trainer, J, gets so worked up about some of these ideas that his voice will rise louder and louder, not in anger, just in excitement and conviction. We agree on most things, but our current disagreement is that he thinks he'd be a happier person if he were ridiculously wealthy -- even though he's already an obviously happy person. Studies suggest, though, that after a certain threshold, you don't actually get any happier with more money.
One thing I dislike about gym class is swinging the kettleball. That is pretty much my least favorite thing to do. My hands get sweaty and it is so heavy and the momentum is so great that I always fear that it's going to fly out of my hand and kill somebody.
I have now been taking that gym class for 1 year! It has also been 2 years since I have stepped on a scale. I have no idea how much I weigh. I couldn't tell you that number, and I don't think the number matters or says anything important about who I am. What I do know is that my mile time is now 40 seconds faster than it used to be. I know that I can easily hold a plank for over a minute without breaking a sweat. I know that I can curl 20 pounds and swing a 30 pound kettleball and do pull ups, when a year ago I could do none of those things.
What would it be like if women focused on being strong and powerful instead of being small and skinny? If a woman's dress size didn't matter, but her biceps did? What would it be like if we taught young girls that their strength, grit, and discipline was what mattered, not how pretty they could make themselves look? What if it being being sexy meant being smart and competent instead of looking good in a tight skirt? What if women believed that they deserved the space they took up in the world? What would that be like?
One thing I dislike about gym class is swinging the kettleball. That is pretty much my least favorite thing to do. My hands get sweaty and it is so heavy and the momentum is so great that I always fear that it's going to fly out of my hand and kill somebody.
I have now been taking that gym class for 1 year! It has also been 2 years since I have stepped on a scale. I have no idea how much I weigh. I couldn't tell you that number, and I don't think the number matters or says anything important about who I am. What I do know is that my mile time is now 40 seconds faster than it used to be. I know that I can easily hold a plank for over a minute without breaking a sweat. I know that I can curl 20 pounds and swing a 30 pound kettleball and do pull ups, when a year ago I could do none of those things.
What would it be like if women focused on being strong and powerful instead of being small and skinny? If a woman's dress size didn't matter, but her biceps did? What would it be like if we taught young girls that their strength, grit, and discipline was what mattered, not how pretty they could make themselves look? What if it being being sexy meant being smart and competent instead of looking good in a tight skirt? What if women believed that they deserved the space they took up in the world? What would that be like?
Friday, September 7, 2012
Away From My Mail
(Or, Why Work Keeps Me Laughing)
From: Me
To: Brusque Content Professor
cc: Awkward Content Professor, On the Spectrum Content Professor, Mentor
Subject: Re: Facilitating Class Observations
Dear BCP,
This is just an update to let you know that I met with x, y, and z about having x observe y and z's classes. x is willing to do so, and y and z are looking forward to the observations and the ensuing discussions.
Best,
Amy
*********
From: Brusque Content Professor
To: Me
Subject: Away From My Mail
Professor Brusque will not be using this account and this email will not be read.
*********
From: Me
To: Mentor
Subject: Fwd: Away From My Mail
Talk about an away message!
>From: Brusque Content Professor
>To: Me
>Subject: Away From My Mail
>
>Professor Brusque will not be using this account and this email will not be read.
**********
From: Mentor
To: Me
Subject: Away From My Mail
Professor Mentor is no longer interested in reading your emails.
From: Me
To: Brusque Content Professor
cc: Awkward Content Professor, On the Spectrum Content Professor, Mentor
Subject: Re: Facilitating Class Observations
Dear BCP,
This is just an update to let you know that I met with x, y, and z about having x observe y and z's classes. x is willing to do so, and y and z are looking forward to the observations and the ensuing discussions.
Best,
Amy
*********
From: Brusque Content Professor
To: Me
Subject: Away From My Mail
Professor Brusque will not be using this account and this email will not be read.
*********
From: Me
To: Mentor
Subject: Fwd: Away From My Mail
Talk about an away message!
Begin forwarded message:
>To: Me
>Subject: Away From My Mail
>
>Professor Brusque will not be using this account and this email will not be read.
**********
From: Mentor
To: Me
Subject: Away From My Mail
Professor Mentor is no longer interested in reading your emails.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Foiled!
Walking upstairs to go to their nap, Nora says, "We want to go up without you coming with us." I say, "No, I'm coming with you to make sure you go to the bathroom and get into bed." Then Milo whispers in this easily-heard loud whisper to Nora, "Our plan is not working." Dude. Nice try.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
First Day of 4K
Today was the first day of 4K, with the kids in a new room with new teachers. Milo said that he's ready for the blue room (the name of their new classroom). Nora said she is not and she didn't want to go to school.
Nora has been saying lately that the kids don't play with her. I am not sure this is really true. All along Nora hasn't been as interested in playing with other kids as Milo has. She has preferred to do things herself. She takes after Jake this way. I found some memorabilia from his own preschool days, including a preschool assessment his teacher sent home. One of the notes on the assessment said "prefers self play". (He also needed to work on tying his shoes).
It might be the case that now Nora is getting more interested in playing with other kids, but she is still shy, and the kids have become accustomed to playing with Milo and not Nora because Nora hasn't ever engaged with them much. So this morning she felt very uncomfortable because her closest bond has always been with her two wonderful teachers, and she doesn't have them anymore.
Milo said that he would play with Nora. He also said that if Nora needed him, he would come running to her. And if Jonah (another little boy who likes to pretend fight with everybody) tries to fight with her, he'll just push Jonah away. Okay, maybe a bit misplaced, but his heart is in the right place. I emphasized that they are lucky to be in the same classroom and can look out for each other. They walked into the classroom holding hands.
Of their two teachers, one of them is old and seems strict and a little cranky. The other one seems more kind and sweet. The second teacher is somebody my colleague has worked with in the context of a research study, and she loves this teacher. This morning, the kids were immediately busy doing assigned tasks - writing their names on their notebooks, choosing a daily job - and then they went to the other side of the room to play while I filled out paperwork. So there was no opportunity for any tears upon leaving or anything like that. I hope they have a good day.
I can't control who their teachers will be in their lives or make sure that they never get a cranky teacher, although I wish I could. So I just need to equip them with the tools to handle those situations and build up some resilience.
Nora has been saying lately that the kids don't play with her. I am not sure this is really true. All along Nora hasn't been as interested in playing with other kids as Milo has. She has preferred to do things herself. She takes after Jake this way. I found some memorabilia from his own preschool days, including a preschool assessment his teacher sent home. One of the notes on the assessment said "prefers self play". (He also needed to work on tying his shoes).
It might be the case that now Nora is getting more interested in playing with other kids, but she is still shy, and the kids have become accustomed to playing with Milo and not Nora because Nora hasn't ever engaged with them much. So this morning she felt very uncomfortable because her closest bond has always been with her two wonderful teachers, and she doesn't have them anymore.
Milo said that he would play with Nora. He also said that if Nora needed him, he would come running to her. And if Jonah (another little boy who likes to pretend fight with everybody) tries to fight with her, he'll just push Jonah away. Okay, maybe a bit misplaced, but his heart is in the right place. I emphasized that they are lucky to be in the same classroom and can look out for each other. They walked into the classroom holding hands.
Of their two teachers, one of them is old and seems strict and a little cranky. The other one seems more kind and sweet. The second teacher is somebody my colleague has worked with in the context of a research study, and she loves this teacher. This morning, the kids were immediately busy doing assigned tasks - writing their names on their notebooks, choosing a daily job - and then they went to the other side of the room to play while I filled out paperwork. So there was no opportunity for any tears upon leaving or anything like that. I hope they have a good day.
I can't control who their teachers will be in their lives or make sure that they never get a cranky teacher, although I wish I could. So I just need to equip them with the tools to handle those situations and build up some resilience.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Time Keeps On Slipping
We had a great trip out west to my folks' place. Traveling with 4-year olds is way better than traveling with 2-year olds. Jake said we should do it every year. That might get a bit steep, but it was definitely fun!
Today was our 7th anniversary. Here is an outtake. Do you know how hard it is to get 4-year olds to cooperate for a photograph? The twin whisperer took this photograph and then some others until we got a decent one, and then she watched the kids while we went out to eat. We walked down to one of our favorites in the neighborhood.
Seven years has just flown by! I can't believe how quickly it goes. Fortunately for me Jake gets more awesome each year.
I've been spending some time this weekend working on my sabbatical application, and dreaming about what it might be like to be on sabbatical next year. Waiting to greet the kids as they get off the bus from kindergarten every day. It'll be a different pace of life.
Today was our 7th anniversary. Here is an outtake. Do you know how hard it is to get 4-year olds to cooperate for a photograph? The twin whisperer took this photograph and then some others until we got a decent one, and then she watched the kids while we went out to eat. We walked down to one of our favorites in the neighborhood.
Seven years has just flown by! I can't believe how quickly it goes. Fortunately for me Jake gets more awesome each year.
I've been spending some time this weekend working on my sabbatical application, and dreaming about what it might be like to be on sabbatical next year. Waiting to greet the kids as they get off the bus from kindergarten every day. It'll be a different pace of life.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Transitions
I had a boring nightmare last night that involved trying to catch public transportation to get somewhere and not being able to do so. This is part of the travel nightmare genre that is common in my dream world; things going wrong at the airport, or on the plane, missing my flight or ride, etc. Maybe it is about travel anxiety because we have a big travel day coming up soon, or maybe it is about more generalized transition anxiety.
Today is the kids' last day in the snowflake room at their preschool. Once we get back from vacation, they'll start the new year in a different room, in a 4-K program that is part of the district. They'll be in the same school, though, just a different room.
Nora and Milo have been with their teachers for the entire two years they've been at preschool. Not only that, but their two teachers started the same time Nora and Milo started, so this two-year cohort of kids is the first they've had at this school. Now the teachers return to the younger crowd, starting over with two year olds, and the four year olds move up into a new room with new teachers. Nora and Milo seem mostly ready for this and I probably have more trepidation about it than they do.
Dropoff this morning involved tears, on the part of the parents and teachers, not the kids. The thing is, their two teachers have been amazing. Like, pretty much the best you could ever hope for in a preschool teacher. They are both so skilled in understanding the kids and empathizing with them, they're so warm and loving, and so accepting of Milo and Nora's natures. They celebrate Milo and Nora. How many teachers do that?
I don't want it to end.
There are a lot of transitions in childhood, aren't there.
Today is the kids' last day in the snowflake room at their preschool. Once we get back from vacation, they'll start the new year in a different room, in a 4-K program that is part of the district. They'll be in the same school, though, just a different room.
Nora and Milo have been with their teachers for the entire two years they've been at preschool. Not only that, but their two teachers started the same time Nora and Milo started, so this two-year cohort of kids is the first they've had at this school. Now the teachers return to the younger crowd, starting over with two year olds, and the four year olds move up into a new room with new teachers. Nora and Milo seem mostly ready for this and I probably have more trepidation about it than they do.
Dropoff this morning involved tears, on the part of the parents and teachers, not the kids. The thing is, their two teachers have been amazing. Like, pretty much the best you could ever hope for in a preschool teacher. They are both so skilled in understanding the kids and empathizing with them, they're so warm and loving, and so accepting of Milo and Nora's natures. They celebrate Milo and Nora. How many teachers do that?
I don't want it to end.
There are a lot of transitions in childhood, aren't there.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Service Update
I declined the district IRB committee, but offered to serve on another additional committee or committees in order to compensate. But then I also listed all of my committees and university-related service I'm currently doing, just so he saw everything for the record. I figured it'd be pretty ballsy of him to ask me to do something else after seeing the list, but he might anyway, which I was mostly okay with.
Happily, my chair responded nicely and didn't ask me to do anything additional, so hooray!
Saying no is uncomfortable. Every advice-to-women-professors column always has a lot about the importance of saying no, sometimes supplying different strategies for how to say no, so this must not be a problem unique to me. I don't like saying no because I don't want to be perceived as a diva or somebody who isn't a team player. At the same time, I know I'll get taken advantage of if I don't start learning how to say no sometimes, so it's a good skill to develop.
*******
I feel myself starting to shut down when it comes to politics. I just can't take it anymore. The Akin rape stuff was what put me over the edge. I don't even want to be engaged anymore because we're just so fucked as a country. It feels pointless; we're just too fundamentally screwed at this point. All I want to do is to try to equip Nora with the tools she'll need to fight her way through life in a culture that doesn't even view her as an actual human being.
Happily, my chair responded nicely and didn't ask me to do anything additional, so hooray!
Saying no is uncomfortable. Every advice-to-women-professors column always has a lot about the importance of saying no, sometimes supplying different strategies for how to say no, so this must not be a problem unique to me. I don't like saying no because I don't want to be perceived as a diva or somebody who isn't a team player. At the same time, I know I'll get taken advantage of if I don't start learning how to say no sometimes, so it's a good skill to develop.
*******
I feel myself starting to shut down when it comes to politics. I just can't take it anymore. The Akin rape stuff was what put me over the edge. I don't even want to be engaged anymore because we're just so fucked as a country. It feels pointless; we're just too fundamentally screwed at this point. All I want to do is to try to equip Nora with the tools she'll need to fight her way through life in a culture that doesn't even view her as an actual human being.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Our Weekend
Jake has been out of town playing with his brother and his parents on the lake.
We had a nice weekend. I kept the kids busy. Saturday, we did some grocery shopping and then we went and looked at the small red door. The kids spent the rest of the day contemplating the secrets of the red door. Maybe it is magic. Maybe it only opens at night. Maybe they need to find the key that will make it open. We drew some pictures of the red door and what it might look like inside the door.
Then we went to the park, then we had the neighbor kids over for a couple of hours while their mom and I hung out. Her husband was out of town too. After nap we went to a new park adjacent to a lake, and then went for a walk along the lakeshore. Then we came back home and had dinner, and after dinner we took the 5-minute walk down to the local frozen custard place. (Kids and cones - bad combination. We concluded the evening with showers.)
In the afternoon the twin whisperer came over and watched the kids for a bit while I went to a small party to welcome several of our new faculty members. It was soooooooooo awesome. We are welcoming 6, I think, new faculty into the department and 4 of them were there tonight and every single one of them is fabulous! I am so psyched! Also, one of them has bought a farmette in a small rural town about 45 minutes away from here. He and his partner have 7 goats, 5 dogs, and 3 horses. He studies early childhood (focusing on preschoolers) and invited me to take the kids down for a visit because one of the goats is still being bottle fed for the next couple of weeks. How cool is that?!?
Words cannot adequately describe how psyched I am about the infusion of new blood into the department. These folks actually do empirical work. They get grants. This is huge...they are not Theorists who write about Foucault and never step foot within a mile of an actual kid. What I'm trying to say is that their inclusion in the department will aid in a slow shift in culture and values over time. I am hopeful that we can ultimately shift to a culture that acknowledges the value of empirical research rather than dismissing it as trivial. But not only that, they are personally awesome as well, so hooray!
We had a nice weekend. I kept the kids busy. Saturday, we did some grocery shopping and then we went and looked at the small red door. The kids spent the rest of the day contemplating the secrets of the red door. Maybe it is magic. Maybe it only opens at night. Maybe they need to find the key that will make it open. We drew some pictures of the red door and what it might look like inside the door.
Then we went to the park, then we had the neighbor kids over for a couple of hours while their mom and I hung out. Her husband was out of town too. After nap we went to a new park adjacent to a lake, and then went for a walk along the lakeshore. Then we came back home and had dinner, and after dinner we took the 5-minute walk down to the local frozen custard place. (Kids and cones - bad combination. We concluded the evening with showers.)
Sunday morning we went to the plant store and got some mums for the front porch. Then our next door neighbor girl, who is 14, came over and babysat the kids for an hour while I went for a run. (Best $5 spent ever.) This was her first time watching the kids and I thought a quick little hour-long experience would be a good way to try it out. They played games and went to the park and it seemed to go well.
In the afternoon the twin whisperer came over and watched the kids for a bit while I went to a small party to welcome several of our new faculty members. It was soooooooooo awesome. We are welcoming 6, I think, new faculty into the department and 4 of them were there tonight and every single one of them is fabulous! I am so psyched! Also, one of them has bought a farmette in a small rural town about 45 minutes away from here. He and his partner have 7 goats, 5 dogs, and 3 horses. He studies early childhood (focusing on preschoolers) and invited me to take the kids down for a visit because one of the goats is still being bottle fed for the next couple of weeks. How cool is that?!?
Words cannot adequately describe how psyched I am about the infusion of new blood into the department. These folks actually do empirical work. They get grants. This is huge...they are not Theorists who write about Foucault and never step foot within a mile of an actual kid. What I'm trying to say is that their inclusion in the department will aid in a slow shift in culture and values over time. I am hopeful that we can ultimately shift to a culture that acknowledges the value of empirical research rather than dismissing it as trivial. But not only that, they are personally awesome as well, so hooray!
Friday, August 17, 2012
Update
Okay, my chair emailed me back and basically said that he "tries very hard to balance the work load." So, basically, he's saying trust him, he's being fair. Then at the end he says he would share a list of who is on who if I really want it (but he didn't share it in this email).
So now I don't know what to do or how to respond. If I have him give it to me and I disagree that the workload is fairly distributed, then I'm just being a jerk by disagreeing with his self assessment that he is fairly balancing the work load.
So now I don't know what to do or how to respond. If I have him give it to me and I disagree that the workload is fairly distributed, then I'm just being a jerk by disagreeing with his self assessment that he is fairly balancing the work load.
Tenure Gives Me...
...a voice.
Predictably, service requirements have ramped up post tenure. In addition to all of my advisees and student committee duties, I am on a content liaison committee tied to implementing a particular program, I am on the departmental graduate programs committee, I am on the secondary ed committee, and I am on the school-wide IRB committee. This year our chair asked me to continue all of those committees as well as also join an ad hoc tenure requirements committee and be the university representative to the school district's version of their IRB committee. In a department of 40 where we can spread the service around to our many members, this is a lot of committees.
I responded that I would enthusiastically join the ad hoc tenure committee, because I want to be active in changing how we do tenure. But regarding the school district committee, I thought about it and then wrote this:
"Is there a list of all of the committees each of the associate and full faculty members are on that also accounts for their relative time requirements? (For instance, being on grad programs committee is a low time commitment, whereas being on IRB is a high time commitment). The reason I am interested in this is in relationship to research showing that women professors typically take on extra service duties compared to men, are worse at saying no to service requests, and therefore end up devoting less time to research than their counterparts and consequently suffer the loss of increased salary, research productivity, outside opportunities, status, etc. This is also relevant because the former member of the school district committee was xyz, another female professor. If there is evidence that can be made public (to me) showing that service distributions across the department for post-tenure faculty are fairly distributed across gender, then I'll happily take on whatever you ask to make sure that I too am carrying my fair weight."
I wrote this because 3 of the 4 top-paid professors in our department who all just got raises are men. I also know that many of our senior male professors, the ones who are the most prominent, do almost no service. They rely on the workhorses in our department to get the service work done. Those workhorses have all their time sucked up in consuming (and usually thankless) service tasks and then don't have time to devote to research. So they end up making less than their peers and have fewer opportunities than their peers. I don't want to end up in that position. If anything, I've learned from the recent raise debacle that I can't count on my department, dean, or university to fairly compensate people. In a different institution with different priorities, people may get appropriate recognition and compensation for service, which I applaud. Service is important, and I think it should be recognized and valued. But that doesn't happen where I am, and the workloads are not fairly distributed.
Our chair hasn't responded. I am probably very irritating to him. I of course would never have said anything like this before tenure. I would have just shut up and agreed to whatever he asked. But now with some security, I feel like I can push back a little bit to try to open up the degree of transparency about things like service distribution across tenured faculty members.
Predictably, service requirements have ramped up post tenure. In addition to all of my advisees and student committee duties, I am on a content liaison committee tied to implementing a particular program, I am on the departmental graduate programs committee, I am on the secondary ed committee, and I am on the school-wide IRB committee. This year our chair asked me to continue all of those committees as well as also join an ad hoc tenure requirements committee and be the university representative to the school district's version of their IRB committee. In a department of 40 where we can spread the service around to our many members, this is a lot of committees.
I responded that I would enthusiastically join the ad hoc tenure committee, because I want to be active in changing how we do tenure. But regarding the school district committee, I thought about it and then wrote this:
"Is there a list of all of the committees each of the associate and full faculty members are on that also accounts for their relative time requirements? (For instance, being on grad programs committee is a low time commitment, whereas being on IRB is a high time commitment). The reason I am interested in this is in relationship to research showing that women professors typically take on extra service duties compared to men, are worse at saying no to service requests, and therefore end up devoting less time to research than their counterparts and consequently suffer the loss of increased salary, research productivity, outside opportunities, status, etc. This is also relevant because the former member of the school district committee was xyz, another female professor. If there is evidence that can be made public (to me) showing that service distributions across the department for post-tenure faculty are fairly distributed across gender, then I'll happily take on whatever you ask to make sure that I too am carrying my fair weight."
I wrote this because 3 of the 4 top-paid professors in our department who all just got raises are men. I also know that many of our senior male professors, the ones who are the most prominent, do almost no service. They rely on the workhorses in our department to get the service work done. Those workhorses have all their time sucked up in consuming (and usually thankless) service tasks and then don't have time to devote to research. So they end up making less than their peers and have fewer opportunities than their peers. I don't want to end up in that position. If anything, I've learned from the recent raise debacle that I can't count on my department, dean, or university to fairly compensate people. In a different institution with different priorities, people may get appropriate recognition and compensation for service, which I applaud. Service is important, and I think it should be recognized and valued. But that doesn't happen where I am, and the workloads are not fairly distributed.
Our chair hasn't responded. I am probably very irritating to him. I of course would never have said anything like this before tenure. I would have just shut up and agreed to whatever he asked. But now with some security, I feel like I can push back a little bit to try to open up the degree of transparency about things like service distribution across tenured faculty members.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Superheroes
Milo practicing his Spiderman skills:
The kids have a lot of Batman questions that I'm not sure how to answer. For instance, Milo wanted to know, how did Batman get his powers? I said, he was bitten by a radioactive spider but then I realized, oh wait, that's Spiderman. I said he practiced a lot. (?) Nora asked, what happens if Batman is in the middle of a fight and he has to go potty? I suggested that Batman will hold it. Milo asked, what if he can't hold it? They decided that Batman would probably pause the fight, go to the bathroom, and then return to finish the fight.
Jake said, "That's why Batman always goes to the bathroom before he leaves the house." It'd be a pain to get that suit on and off in the middle of a fight.
The kids have a lot of Batman questions that I'm not sure how to answer. For instance, Milo wanted to know, how did Batman get his powers? I said, he was bitten by a radioactive spider but then I realized, oh wait, that's Spiderman. I said he practiced a lot. (?) Nora asked, what happens if Batman is in the middle of a fight and he has to go potty? I suggested that Batman will hold it. Milo asked, what if he can't hold it? They decided that Batman would probably pause the fight, go to the bathroom, and then return to finish the fight.
Jake said, "That's why Batman always goes to the bathroom before he leaves the house." It'd be a pain to get that suit on and off in the middle of a fight.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Puzzles and Doors
It is interesting to watch Nora do puzzles. She doesn't take into account the shape of the piece, so she has to rely completely on the picture. It's harder to put together these-size puzzles based on the picture than on the shape. For a while I'd try to show Nora how the shape matters in simple ways, like, if it's an edge, you have to line up the straight edge on the outside and so on.
That instruction has been completely pointless, though, because Nora can not yet simultaneously coordinate both picture and shape. She can't hold shape in her mind at all because she is focusing on the picture. My guess is that she's not even organizing the shape in the way I am, for instance, she probably hasn't constructed the idea of a straight edge yet. So the words that came out of my mouth about it were meaningless to her. She doesn't have the conceptual structures in place to make sense of them yet.
Nora is pretty good at putting together puzzles based only on the picture, which is hard. If this were the sort of issue that mattered a lot, like a grade schooler understanding fractions or something, I would engage in an intervention to help her construct shape. I'd probably do it by finding or making a puzzle that had no picture at all, forcing her to rely on the shapes, or by having her sort puzzle pieces according to shape categories. However, puzzle skills aren't a big deal, per se, and I know she'll eventually start to attend to shape in her own time, when she's ready.
Look at this cool little door in a tree trunk a few blocks from my house. I showed it to Nora and she said, who lives there? Trying to be whimsical, I said, maybe a leprechaun or a fairy. Nora looked at me skeptically. Are those real?, she asked. I said, "Well, some people think we can't know if they're real or not real." Nora said, "They're not real." Decisively. Like, give me a break, Mom.
You might wonder why I had these interactions with Nora and not with Milo. Milo was sleeping. That's been happening ever since they were babies. Nora would always wake up before Milo, and I'd have all this time with her while he slept. They're still like that now.
That instruction has been completely pointless, though, because Nora can not yet simultaneously coordinate both picture and shape. She can't hold shape in her mind at all because she is focusing on the picture. My guess is that she's not even organizing the shape in the way I am, for instance, she probably hasn't constructed the idea of a straight edge yet. So the words that came out of my mouth about it were meaningless to her. She doesn't have the conceptual structures in place to make sense of them yet.
Nora is pretty good at putting together puzzles based only on the picture, which is hard. If this were the sort of issue that mattered a lot, like a grade schooler understanding fractions or something, I would engage in an intervention to help her construct shape. I'd probably do it by finding or making a puzzle that had no picture at all, forcing her to rely on the shapes, or by having her sort puzzle pieces according to shape categories. However, puzzle skills aren't a big deal, per se, and I know she'll eventually start to attend to shape in her own time, when she's ready.
Look at this cool little door in a tree trunk a few blocks from my house. I showed it to Nora and she said, who lives there? Trying to be whimsical, I said, maybe a leprechaun or a fairy. Nora looked at me skeptically. Are those real?, she asked. I said, "Well, some people think we can't know if they're real or not real." Nora said, "They're not real." Decisively. Like, give me a break, Mom.
You might wonder why I had these interactions with Nora and not with Milo. Milo was sleeping. That's been happening ever since they were babies. Nora would always wake up before Milo, and I'd have all this time with her while he slept. They're still like that now.
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