I've caught up with a bunch of old high school friends recently, people I haven't talked to in 10 or 15 years in some cases. It's so funny that they notice things that seem just ordinary about me, like where I live (far from our hometown) or what I do for a living. Those things are the things about me that seem to jump out rather than, hello, I have two babies here! Two kids! Isn't that, like, amazing? Two kids? Hello...?
Oh. I guess pretty much everybody has a couple of kids and it's no big deal. It is funny that the thing that is by far the biggest deal ever of my life is actually, when I think about it, completely ordinary and typical. It sure doesn't feel that way.
I mean, it's not like I created a self-serving narcissistic blog about my job. I saved that for the kids.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
The Dumb Things We Do In The Middle of the Night
I may never sleep again. Thank goodness I have the internet, especially sites like this.
My yearbook photo in 1988, supposedly:
Yeow! Hands off, fellas, I'm married. Actually my style at the time was a little more like this:
1974, which actually does look a little like my mom at that time:
Can't forget 1952, baby. According to this it's lucky I didn't come of age in the 50s:
My yearbook photo in 1988, supposedly:
Yeow! Hands off, fellas, I'm married. Actually my style at the time was a little more like this:
1974, which actually does look a little like my mom at that time:
Can't forget 1952, baby. According to this it's lucky I didn't come of age in the 50s:
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I Should Really Keep a Closer Eye on These Kids
Plus cuteness:
Hey, if she can play with the stool, so can I:
Or maybe I'll just blow you a kiss:
I can't do that yet, but I can stick out my tongue:
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Thoughts From a 9-Month Old
I'm thinking of a toy that I want. It is one of the 40 thousand toys that I have at my disposal. You have 20 seconds to read my mind, locate that toy and give it to me. After that, the screaming will begin. I reserve the right to change my mind about the toy at any time.
The changing table is the best place to practice crawling. Do not try to restrain me! Restrain me at your own peril!
The only acceptable toy at any given moment is the one that my sibling is currently holding.
I need a bottle right now and am going to scream until I get it. Ahhhh. No, wait. I don't want that bottle after all. I am going to scream until you take it away.
I don't want to play on the floor! Pick me up! I don't want you to hold me! Put me down! What are you doing?!? Pick me up!
I do not understand why the cat doesn't love me as much as I love her.
From the minute that I wake up until the minute that I go to sleep, you must never leave my side. Do not take a step away from me. I hope you like the sound of screaming while you go to the bathroom.
You need to understand that your hair only exists so that I can pull it.
The only toys I want to play with are the cat toys. In a pinch, that furball that I found on the floor will do.
The changing table is the best place to practice crawling. Do not try to restrain me! Restrain me at your own peril!
The only acceptable toy at any given moment is the one that my sibling is currently holding.
I need a bottle right now and am going to scream until I get it. Ahhhh. No, wait. I don't want that bottle after all. I am going to scream until you take it away.
I don't want to play on the floor! Pick me up! I don't want you to hold me! Put me down! What are you doing?!? Pick me up!
I do not understand why the cat doesn't love me as much as I love her.
From the minute that I wake up until the minute that I go to sleep, you must never leave my side. Do not take a step away from me. I hope you like the sound of screaming while you go to the bathroom.
You need to understand that your hair only exists so that I can pull it.
The only toys I want to play with are the cat toys. In a pinch, that furball that I found on the floor will do.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Insomnia
I am going to have to get up with the babies in less than 4 hours.
Nora is actually sleeping tonight.
So why am I awake?
Friday, September 19, 2008
Work Life Balance, Part n
Yesterday the morning was devoted to Milo and Nora's 9-month check-up. Nora is 14 and a half pounds, and Milo is 16 lbs 14 oz. Way to go! Both look healthy, and neither cried when they got their finger pricked and bled for a hemoglobin check. The pediatrician suggested that we switch to a different GI doctor for Nora, one who won't freak us out so routinely.
Race home. Race to work.
Stop in the lunch cafe to get some lunch to eat during my office hour before class. As I reach for my wallet, I realize that I left it in the diaper bag. No wallet. No lunch. I had also skipped breakfast. I wouldn't be home until 5:30, and I'm not the kind of gal who can go a day without eating.
I made a facebook complaint about forgetting my wallet, and lo and behold, Jake shows up at my office with lunch for me. What a guy! Not 5 minutes after he left, a colleague stopped by my office. "I saw your facebook update on my phone. Here's 20 bucks so you can have lunch!" I thanked him and told him that Jake had already solved my problem. "I feel like we've had a technology moment here," he said. Indeed!
One of my students stopped by my office hour. We talked about her paper from last week. She decided to re-write part of it, and I told her that was fine.
I rush to class. Before class started I told the early arriving students my little lunch story, and before I had finished every student was fishing some food out of his or her backpack. "I've got a granola bar here for you," one student said. "Here's an apple," said another. What a sweet group. I love these students already.
We start every class period with an exercise called "classroom stories" in which they share any exciting developments or trials that they've been experiencing with student teaching. My students teach during the mornings every day, and this is their first time handling a classroom on their own. So they have a lot to deal with and process. One student had to deal with a cheater on a test. Another student has an 8th-grader who never does her homework and rarely comes to class, but when she does show up she participates brilliantly every time. My student is struggling with ways to engage this 8th-grader more effectively. A third student is having a hard time figuring out how to implement standards-based grading, a top-down initiative that his school is mandating for every classroom.
We discuss the readings for this week and the difference between modeling the structure of a problem and the solution of a problem. Most teachers mistakenly do the latter, stealing their students' opportunity to struggle and ultimately make progress. One of my primary goals for my teachers is for them to learn how to become listeners in the classroom. Good teaching is not about telling. It is all about listening to students. I try to model this by spending a lot of time listening to them.
We work on a problem about bees. Male bees have a mother but no father because they hatch from unfertilized eggs. Female bees have both a mother and a father. How many ancestors does a male bee have 12 generations back? My students notice pretty quickly that the Fibonacci sequence plays a critical role in the solution. They all came up with the correct answer pretty easily, but every single student was stumped when I asked for a justification for why the Fibonacci sequence was valid 12 generations back. I sent them back to think and work together until they came up with a good proof. One student had the "aha" moment I was hoping for: "You know, in every class we teach, the point of most of the problems seems to be to find the pattern. Once we find the pattern, we're done with the problem and move on. But if we never make our students come up with an explanation for why the pattern makes sense, then we're depriving them of one of the most important part of doing math. The whole point is to understand where the pattern comes from, and why it makes sense." Exactly! Math textbooks don't support this, so my teachers will have to do it on their own.
One of my students became curious about why he could always express the nth term of the sequence as the sum of the 1st through the (n-2)nd terms minus 1. I told him to think about it for next week. By the time I got home that night, he had emailed me the proof he developed.
When a class is a good class, teaching gives me so much positive energy. After class I rushed back to my office and intercepted a phone call from my graduate student who wanted me to submit his human subjects application for him. I did that, and then walked home while listening to "To the Best of Our Knowledge" on the iPod. I walked in the door at 5:30 to my smiley, smiley, wiggly, giggly babies.
Race home. Race to work.
Stop in the lunch cafe to get some lunch to eat during my office hour before class. As I reach for my wallet, I realize that I left it in the diaper bag. No wallet. No lunch. I had also skipped breakfast. I wouldn't be home until 5:30, and I'm not the kind of gal who can go a day without eating.
I made a facebook complaint about forgetting my wallet, and lo and behold, Jake shows up at my office with lunch for me. What a guy! Not 5 minutes after he left, a colleague stopped by my office. "I saw your facebook update on my phone. Here's 20 bucks so you can have lunch!" I thanked him and told him that Jake had already solved my problem. "I feel like we've had a technology moment here," he said. Indeed!
One of my students stopped by my office hour. We talked about her paper from last week. She decided to re-write part of it, and I told her that was fine.
I rush to class. Before class started I told the early arriving students my little lunch story, and before I had finished every student was fishing some food out of his or her backpack. "I've got a granola bar here for you," one student said. "Here's an apple," said another. What a sweet group. I love these students already.
We start every class period with an exercise called "classroom stories" in which they share any exciting developments or trials that they've been experiencing with student teaching. My students teach during the mornings every day, and this is their first time handling a classroom on their own. So they have a lot to deal with and process. One student had to deal with a cheater on a test. Another student has an 8th-grader who never does her homework and rarely comes to class, but when she does show up she participates brilliantly every time. My student is struggling with ways to engage this 8th-grader more effectively. A third student is having a hard time figuring out how to implement standards-based grading, a top-down initiative that his school is mandating for every classroom.
We discuss the readings for this week and the difference between modeling the structure of a problem and the solution of a problem. Most teachers mistakenly do the latter, stealing their students' opportunity to struggle and ultimately make progress. One of my primary goals for my teachers is for them to learn how to become listeners in the classroom. Good teaching is not about telling. It is all about listening to students. I try to model this by spending a lot of time listening to them.
We work on a problem about bees. Male bees have a mother but no father because they hatch from unfertilized eggs. Female bees have both a mother and a father. How many ancestors does a male bee have 12 generations back? My students notice pretty quickly that the Fibonacci sequence plays a critical role in the solution. They all came up with the correct answer pretty easily, but every single student was stumped when I asked for a justification for why the Fibonacci sequence was valid 12 generations back. I sent them back to think and work together until they came up with a good proof. One student had the "aha" moment I was hoping for: "You know, in every class we teach, the point of most of the problems seems to be to find the pattern. Once we find the pattern, we're done with the problem and move on. But if we never make our students come up with an explanation for why the pattern makes sense, then we're depriving them of one of the most important part of doing math. The whole point is to understand where the pattern comes from, and why it makes sense." Exactly! Math textbooks don't support this, so my teachers will have to do it on their own.
One of my students became curious about why he could always express the nth term of the sequence as the sum of the 1st through the (n-2)nd terms minus 1. I told him to think about it for next week. By the time I got home that night, he had emailed me the proof he developed.
When a class is a good class, teaching gives me so much positive energy. After class I rushed back to my office and intercepted a phone call from my graduate student who wanted me to submit his human subjects application for him. I did that, and then walked home while listening to "To the Best of Our Knowledge" on the iPod. I walked in the door at 5:30 to my smiley, smiley, wiggly, giggly babies.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Playing Outside
Today is a beautiful, warm fall day. I don't know how many more days like this we'll have before hell on earth winter sets in.
Monday, September 15, 2008
The Intertubes Are Cool
Unbloggable bad things are going on at work. Poor decisions and poor leadership from up high are causing me to question my commitment to staying here. Then tonight Milo kept fussing and spitting up, not happy to play, not happy to be held, just not happy. Then just one ounce into her bottle, Nora started with her twisting, flailing, gymnastic-like antics, anything to not drink. Usually I can at least get a few ounces in her before that nonsense starts. It's maddening.
But even after a bad day, this video never fails to make me smile.
But even after a bad day, this video never fails to make me smile.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
9 Months
Milo and Nora are 9 months old now, which as far as I can tell seems to be the "danger, separation anxiety, and defiance" age. But then every now and again they go ahead and surprise me, completely breaking out of their typical behavior patterns.
Friday we went to a department party and brought the babies along for an hour or so. I thought Milo would freak out. I was reluctant to let anybody hold him at first, because he will so often break into screams when somebody so much as looks at him funny. But eventually I let somebody hold him, and then somebody else, and basically he spent the entire evening being held by about 10 different people and he was fine. No crying, no distress, just very big eyes. Everybody commented on Milo's huge eyes. I got a plate of food and bolted it down while Milo happily sat on the sofa in between a literacy professor and the 6-year old granddaughter of our former department chair.
Nora, on the other hand, did start crying a few times whenever I wandered too far away. She used to be the one who was happy to be in anybody's arms, but now she wants to make sure I'm somewhere nearby. This is a big change for Nora. So I guess as soon as I think I have these kids figured out, they up and change on me.
Milo has started to become a little defiant now. His favorite new trick is to stick his tongue out and blow whenever he has a mouthful of food. This reminds me of a description somebody once wrote about what it's like to try to feed an infant. Have your partner put a straw in his mouth. Puree some food and try to spoon it into the end of the straw, while your partner vigorously shakes his head and blows out. Continue until all of the food is gone. This is a fairly accurate description of what it's like to feed Milo. I tried ignoring this behavior and praising him effusively when he actually eats correctly, but it didn't do any good. Then I tried saying "no" in a stern voice with a stern look on my face, and I was totally shocked by the fact that Milo apparently thinks this is the most hilarious thing he's ever seen. The "no" voice and face cracks him up. I mean, I don't think I've ever seen him laugh that hard! He laughed harder than he laughs when I tickle his tummy, harder than he laughs when I pretend to be helium. Saying no just made him blow out his food even harder. By the end of each meal we are all covered in splattered sweet potatoes.
Nora, by the way, thinks this is hilarious too.
See those teeth?
Milo has made some progress when it comes to moving. He can now sort of go from sitting to being on his belly, although the transition is a bit rough. He can get up on his hands and knees, and he also gets up on his hands and feet. Today I even saw Milo take a couple of steps forward while on his hands and knees to get to a toy. So he's really on his way to crawling now. I even captured photo evidence:
Milo can also bang one toy against another when both are in his hands, and today he even banged his hands together in a form of clapping (but with closed fists). Sometimes when I ask him to say "dada" or "mama" he'll say it, and he is very good at repeating non-word sounds with his mouth, like making a kissing sound back at me.
In the past month Milo has become fairly adept at eating some finger foods. He can eat veggie bootie pretty easily, and he's also getting good at eating Cheerios. I've also tried things like soft cooked vegetables and egg yolks. Milo has not been very enthusiastic about those choices. He does, however, often accept whatever pureed version of our food that I make. Yesterday he happily ate chicken in korma sauce, and the other day he ate our pasta sauce with onions, green peppers, eggplant, zucchini, mushrooms, and tomatoes. Giving Milo a bottle is also a joy. He'll just chug it down in 5 minutes flat. Once he decides he's done, he's done, and there is no convincing him otherwise. Sometimes this is frustrating if he decides to be done after 2 or 3 ounces, but on the other hand, at least I don't have to go through a half-hour rigamarole of convincing him to drink just a little bit more, quarter ounce by quarter ounce. I'm talking about you, Nora.
Milo's two bottom teeth are a real presence now, and he constantly sticks his tongue out to feel them. He hasn't grown tired of the novelty of having teeth. We now have to be careful, though, because it's no longer cute and painless when he chomps down on a finger. Still, nothing compares to the adorable picture of Milo constantly going around with his tongue stick out, feeling those two little teeth.
Nora has become a danger to herself and others. I have to be really careful with her, and so far I've sort of been falling down on the job. Just today I was in the same room with the babies, glanced away for a moment, and then looked back to see Nora clawing Milo's eye out. Usually, though, she just hurts herself. Nora can crawl very well now, and she is interested in pulling herself up. She will pull up to a stand on low things, like my belly when I'm on the floor, or the lowest step of the stairs. With high things, like a sofa, Nora isn't strong enough to get to a stand but she can pull up to her knees. Recently she was up on her knees hanging on to Jake's pants. She fell backwards and hit her head on a wooden block. The other day Nora was crawling after Caspian while I fed Milo. She reached for Caspian, lost her balance, and lurched forward, banging her head against an open door. Yesterday I put Jake's camera on the sofa arm (yes, a very stupid move) and went into the kitchen to make lunch for the kids. Jake stopped watching Nora for just a moment, and during that moment she grabbed the camera strap and pulled this enormous, heavy camera onto her head. Aaaaa! She's always banging her head if we look away for just a moment. And with another baby in the house, there are a lot of moments when I find myself looking away.
Nora's misadventures with eating continues, and I honestly can't tell if she's just fine and following her own growth path, or if she's in danger. Her GI doctor isn't a helpful person, especially when it comes to sharing information. Every time she refuses to drink much it scares me, but given that it happens two or three times a day, I'm trying to just live with it. Didn't somebody once say that a baby won't starve herself? What about a baby eating so little that her poor brain doesn't grow properly? Nobody ever said anything about that.
What with the finicky eating and the constant bumping, Nora's brain is really under assault.
But, eh. She seems sharp enough to me. Nora can move well, she has great fine motor skills, and one of her favorite things to do is to look at a book and talk to herself while pointing at the pictures. Nora's mobility means that she can come to me now. When I come home from work and flop on the floor, Nora crawls right over to me, laughing the whole time, and then proceeds to happily poke my eyes out or tear out my hair. She'll climb all over me, just like she'll mow down anything in her path these days. I don't even want to think about what this kid is going to be like when she can walk, much less run.
In yet another death-defying mishap, Nora recently plunged face first into the bath. The kids have a bigger blow-up bath tub now, and we've busted out the pirate bath toys. (Of course they have a pirate theme). Nora was playing with those toys in the bath, reached forward for one, and face planted into the water. Thank goodness I had my hand on her arm the entire time and was able to instantly scoop her up, coughing and spluttering. She was fine, but I aged a few years in that half a second. The entire world slowed to nearly a halt as my brain yelled "Noooooooooo!" People talk about never leaving babies or children alone in the bath, but with Nora I have always had the rule that I must always have one hand on her when she is in the bath. I swear if I were to turn away to look at the clock, or grab a towel, that would be the moment when she'd do a face plant and start breathing water.
Nora's hair keeps growing and growing, but only on the top, so she looks like she has a mohawk now. She looks a little wild and crazy, like a mad scientist. A baby mad scientist. In this picture below, Nora is doing her latest favorite trick: she is whistling.
I've seen the babies less in the past few weeks because I've been at work more. That has been hard, but also good in terms of upping my chances of ultimately keeping my job. It is hard to leave them. Heck, it's hard to leave the room. Sometimes both babies will decide that they need me, and whoever I'm not holding will sit there and cry forlornly. Sometimes I'll hold Milo and Nora will come crawling to me, crying, trying to pull herself up my leg. Sometimes I have to sit on the floor and scoop both of them into my lap, trying to satisfy them both at the same time. There is not enough of me to go around, as usual, and guilt is part of the territory. But on the other hand, there are those delicious times when I get to come back home. I love coming through the door and seeing those huge smiles and whole-body wiggles of joy. I love flopping onto the floor as Milo squeals and Nora scoots over to maul me. Those are really beautiful moments.
Friday we went to a department party and brought the babies along for an hour or so. I thought Milo would freak out. I was reluctant to let anybody hold him at first, because he will so often break into screams when somebody so much as looks at him funny. But eventually I let somebody hold him, and then somebody else, and basically he spent the entire evening being held by about 10 different people and he was fine. No crying, no distress, just very big eyes. Everybody commented on Milo's huge eyes. I got a plate of food and bolted it down while Milo happily sat on the sofa in between a literacy professor and the 6-year old granddaughter of our former department chair.
Nora, on the other hand, did start crying a few times whenever I wandered too far away. She used to be the one who was happy to be in anybody's arms, but now she wants to make sure I'm somewhere nearby. This is a big change for Nora. So I guess as soon as I think I have these kids figured out, they up and change on me.
Milo has started to become a little defiant now. His favorite new trick is to stick his tongue out and blow whenever he has a mouthful of food. This reminds me of a description somebody once wrote about what it's like to try to feed an infant. Have your partner put a straw in his mouth. Puree some food and try to spoon it into the end of the straw, while your partner vigorously shakes his head and blows out. Continue until all of the food is gone. This is a fairly accurate description of what it's like to feed Milo. I tried ignoring this behavior and praising him effusively when he actually eats correctly, but it didn't do any good. Then I tried saying "no" in a stern voice with a stern look on my face, and I was totally shocked by the fact that Milo apparently thinks this is the most hilarious thing he's ever seen. The "no" voice and face cracks him up. I mean, I don't think I've ever seen him laugh that hard! He laughed harder than he laughs when I tickle his tummy, harder than he laughs when I pretend to be helium. Saying no just made him blow out his food even harder. By the end of each meal we are all covered in splattered sweet potatoes.
Nora, by the way, thinks this is hilarious too.
See those teeth?
Milo has made some progress when it comes to moving. He can now sort of go from sitting to being on his belly, although the transition is a bit rough. He can get up on his hands and knees, and he also gets up on his hands and feet. Today I even saw Milo take a couple of steps forward while on his hands and knees to get to a toy. So he's really on his way to crawling now. I even captured photo evidence:
Milo can also bang one toy against another when both are in his hands, and today he even banged his hands together in a form of clapping (but with closed fists). Sometimes when I ask him to say "dada" or "mama" he'll say it, and he is very good at repeating non-word sounds with his mouth, like making a kissing sound back at me.
In the past month Milo has become fairly adept at eating some finger foods. He can eat veggie bootie pretty easily, and he's also getting good at eating Cheerios. I've also tried things like soft cooked vegetables and egg yolks. Milo has not been very enthusiastic about those choices. He does, however, often accept whatever pureed version of our food that I make. Yesterday he happily ate chicken in korma sauce, and the other day he ate our pasta sauce with onions, green peppers, eggplant, zucchini, mushrooms, and tomatoes. Giving Milo a bottle is also a joy. He'll just chug it down in 5 minutes flat. Once he decides he's done, he's done, and there is no convincing him otherwise. Sometimes this is frustrating if he decides to be done after 2 or 3 ounces, but on the other hand, at least I don't have to go through a half-hour rigamarole of convincing him to drink just a little bit more, quarter ounce by quarter ounce. I'm talking about you, Nora.
Milo's two bottom teeth are a real presence now, and he constantly sticks his tongue out to feel them. He hasn't grown tired of the novelty of having teeth. We now have to be careful, though, because it's no longer cute and painless when he chomps down on a finger. Still, nothing compares to the adorable picture of Milo constantly going around with his tongue stick out, feeling those two little teeth.
Nora has become a danger to herself and others. I have to be really careful with her, and so far I've sort of been falling down on the job. Just today I was in the same room with the babies, glanced away for a moment, and then looked back to see Nora clawing Milo's eye out. Usually, though, she just hurts herself. Nora can crawl very well now, and she is interested in pulling herself up. She will pull up to a stand on low things, like my belly when I'm on the floor, or the lowest step of the stairs. With high things, like a sofa, Nora isn't strong enough to get to a stand but she can pull up to her knees. Recently she was up on her knees hanging on to Jake's pants. She fell backwards and hit her head on a wooden block. The other day Nora was crawling after Caspian while I fed Milo. She reached for Caspian, lost her balance, and lurched forward, banging her head against an open door. Yesterday I put Jake's camera on the sofa arm (yes, a very stupid move) and went into the kitchen to make lunch for the kids. Jake stopped watching Nora for just a moment, and during that moment she grabbed the camera strap and pulled this enormous, heavy camera onto her head. Aaaaa! She's always banging her head if we look away for just a moment. And with another baby in the house, there are a lot of moments when I find myself looking away.
Nora's misadventures with eating continues, and I honestly can't tell if she's just fine and following her own growth path, or if she's in danger. Her GI doctor isn't a helpful person, especially when it comes to sharing information. Every time she refuses to drink much it scares me, but given that it happens two or three times a day, I'm trying to just live with it. Didn't somebody once say that a baby won't starve herself? What about a baby eating so little that her poor brain doesn't grow properly? Nobody ever said anything about that.
What with the finicky eating and the constant bumping, Nora's brain is really under assault.
But, eh. She seems sharp enough to me. Nora can move well, she has great fine motor skills, and one of her favorite things to do is to look at a book and talk to herself while pointing at the pictures. Nora's mobility means that she can come to me now. When I come home from work and flop on the floor, Nora crawls right over to me, laughing the whole time, and then proceeds to happily poke my eyes out or tear out my hair. She'll climb all over me, just like she'll mow down anything in her path these days. I don't even want to think about what this kid is going to be like when she can walk, much less run.
In yet another death-defying mishap, Nora recently plunged face first into the bath. The kids have a bigger blow-up bath tub now, and we've busted out the pirate bath toys. (Of course they have a pirate theme). Nora was playing with those toys in the bath, reached forward for one, and face planted into the water. Thank goodness I had my hand on her arm the entire time and was able to instantly scoop her up, coughing and spluttering. She was fine, but I aged a few years in that half a second. The entire world slowed to nearly a halt as my brain yelled "Noooooooooo!" People talk about never leaving babies or children alone in the bath, but with Nora I have always had the rule that I must always have one hand on her when she is in the bath. I swear if I were to turn away to look at the clock, or grab a towel, that would be the moment when she'd do a face plant and start breathing water.
Nora's hair keeps growing and growing, but only on the top, so she looks like she has a mohawk now. She looks a little wild and crazy, like a mad scientist. A baby mad scientist. In this picture below, Nora is doing her latest favorite trick: she is whistling.
I've seen the babies less in the past few weeks because I've been at work more. That has been hard, but also good in terms of upping my chances of ultimately keeping my job. It is hard to leave them. Heck, it's hard to leave the room. Sometimes both babies will decide that they need me, and whoever I'm not holding will sit there and cry forlornly. Sometimes I'll hold Milo and Nora will come crawling to me, crying, trying to pull herself up my leg. Sometimes I have to sit on the floor and scoop both of them into my lap, trying to satisfy them both at the same time. There is not enough of me to go around, as usual, and guilt is part of the territory. But on the other hand, there are those delicious times when I get to come back home. I love coming through the door and seeing those huge smiles and whole-body wiggles of joy. I love flopping onto the floor as Milo squeals and Nora scoots over to maul me. Those are really beautiful moments.
Friday, September 12, 2008
This is a Post About a Guy
This is a post about a guy. This is a post about a guy who once scaled some walls on my 17th birthday to give me a present of beef jerky. This is a post about a guy who played the piano while I sat in an open window, looking down at people walking on the street below. He's a guy who taught me calculus, created a detailed audiotaped explanation about how to pick a lock, and yet still managed to set his trash can on fire. On purpose.
This is a post about a guy who once sent me $100 in cash through the U.S. postal service.
This is a post about a guy who dictated a letter to me while walking from his house to the beach, so that the waves and the surf became the constant background to his thoughts. He once grew his hair long and then shaved his entire head except for one spot on the top, which he then dyed orange and convinced to stand straight up. For Halloween.
This is about a guy who took a long, long bus ride to visit me in college, and then graciously put up with my bullshit while he was there.
This is a post about a guy who managed to combine his technical genius with his artistic genius in order to make movies for a living. This is a guy who lives without a safety net, who lacks a sense of self-preservation, who has done crazy things like scaling walls, diving deep in the sea, and God help me, now drives a motorcycle. This is a guy who decided to live his life without alcohol because he knew he didn't need to be any crazier.
This is a post about a guy who has changed his name twice in the past twenty years.
This is about a guy who is smarter than the rest of us.
This is a post about a guy who is loyal to the people he loves, sometimes at his own expense. This is a guy who will give you his coat if he thinks you're cold. He's a guy who you can call up in the middle of the night if you need help dumping the body. This is a post about a guy who is all grown up, but still knows how to be curious about the world. This is a post about a guy whose birthday is today. Happy birthday, my friend.
This is a post about a guy who once sent me $100 in cash through the U.S. postal service.
This is a post about a guy who dictated a letter to me while walking from his house to the beach, so that the waves and the surf became the constant background to his thoughts. He once grew his hair long and then shaved his entire head except for one spot on the top, which he then dyed orange and convinced to stand straight up. For Halloween.
This is about a guy who took a long, long bus ride to visit me in college, and then graciously put up with my bullshit while he was there.
This is a post about a guy who managed to combine his technical genius with his artistic genius in order to make movies for a living. This is a guy who lives without a safety net, who lacks a sense of self-preservation, who has done crazy things like scaling walls, diving deep in the sea, and God help me, now drives a motorcycle. This is a guy who decided to live his life without alcohol because he knew he didn't need to be any crazier.
This is a post about a guy who has changed his name twice in the past twenty years.
This is about a guy who is smarter than the rest of us.
This is a post about a guy who is loyal to the people he loves, sometimes at his own expense. This is a guy who will give you his coat if he thinks you're cold. He's a guy who you can call up in the middle of the night if you need help dumping the body. This is a post about a guy who is all grown up, but still knows how to be curious about the world. This is a post about a guy whose birthday is today. Happy birthday, my friend.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Thank You Paul Simon
and Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
Fairly typical night: Babies finish eating. We change them. We turn out the lights and turn on the white noise machine. Jake puts Milo in the crib. He silently tosses and turns for a minute and then falls asleep. I hold Nora and try to get her to relax a little bit. She tosses and turns in my arms and either starts to relax, or gets more and more agitated. If she relaxes and gets drowsy, all is well and she will go to sleep happily in her crib. If she gets more agitated, then holding her just makes her mad. In due time I'll put her down and sometimes she'll just turn over and go to sleep.
But if Nora can't settle and starts crying, I run downstairs and blast Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes. Usually after about 30 seconds of this, Nora will quiet down and go to sleep.
Fairly typical night: Babies finish eating. We change them. We turn out the lights and turn on the white noise machine. Jake puts Milo in the crib. He silently tosses and turns for a minute and then falls asleep. I hold Nora and try to get her to relax a little bit. She tosses and turns in my arms and either starts to relax, or gets more and more agitated. If she relaxes and gets drowsy, all is well and she will go to sleep happily in her crib. If she gets more agitated, then holding her just makes her mad. In due time I'll put her down and sometimes she'll just turn over and go to sleep.
But if Nora can't settle and starts crying, I run downstairs and blast Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes. Usually after about 30 seconds of this, Nora will quiet down and go to sleep.
She makes the sign of a teaspoon
He makes the sign of a wave
The poor boy changes clothes and puts on aftershave
To compensate for his ordinary shoes
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
14 lbs 5 oz
Today I took Nora in for another check-up with her strict German GI doctor. Apparently her average weight gain over the past 6 weeks is just slightly below the minimum appropriate weight gain. And here I thought she'd been doing pretty well lately. He thought about upping her concentration of formula to 27 calories/ounce, but given that sometimes she seems to not drink a whole lot because she gets full so quickly, he agreed to keep it at 24 calories/ounce. So instead we're going to try to concentrate on getting more calories into her via solid food, adding butter to everything.
I have to make a diary of everything she eats for 3 days so that a dietician can then instruct me on how to better feed her. Nothing like that kind of treatment to make you feel like a lousy parent.
I asked the doctor what his concerns for Nora are if we don't get her to gain enough weight. After all, she seems pretty robust, she is healthy and active, and she's got some chub on her. She's not skin and bones or anything. He said that not gaining weight appropriately could stunt her brain growth and her cognitive development.
So if you end up a C-student instead of an A-student, honey, I apologize now for not being able to convince you to gulp down enough food.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
This Happened Twice Today
I know everybody's pain is real and all that, but there are limits. So if you have no kids, or grown kids, don't complain to a new parent that you didn't sleep well last night. I'm sorry that your alarm unexpectedly went off at midnight, messing up your sleep cycle, but at least you got to go back to sleep right away. And at least you didn't have to get up another 5 times. Complaining to a new parent about your lousy night of sleep is sort of like complaining about a stubbed toe to a person without any legs.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Oh Shit
Well, we had 6 good weeks. For the past few weeks I've been commenting on how much happier I've been. How I suddenly felt like myself again, I was enjoying the babies so much, everything finally seemed to be good with life. It was only after starting to feel normal that I truly realized how awful things had been up until now. I turned into a different person back there, a dark miserable person who was so angry all the time.
I thought the changes in me had to do with the fact that Nora weaned for good. Which isn't really a good thing itself, I really sucked at breastfeeding all told, but I also got my body back and I thought that those changes had finally returned me to normal.
Maybe that was part of it, but duh, a big reason is that Nora was finally sleeping. Sleeping well, sleeping through the night most of the time, and when she did wake it was usually just once or twice and very briefly.
And now for some reason that has all gone to hell, and I'm typing at 5:24 a.m. listening to Nora yell "Aaaaaaahhhh, ahya ya ya ya ya da da da da da". Let's see. She was up at 12:48, at 1:50 -- no wait, or was it 2:50? Or both? And at 5:04. We've changed her diaper, we've given her Tylenol, I don't know what's wrong. Nora has been waking all week and every night it's been getting worse instead of better. Culminating in tonight, where I was awake between about 12:48 and 3:15, too anxious and stressed out to go to sleep in between her wakings, and then awake again at 5 with her. So here I am. Back here.
I feel like I cannot return to this. I can't do this again. After having had some relief, after seeing the sun shine and hearing the birds sing, I'm now descending back into the miserable pit of hell. Is this how it's going to be again? Dreading each night? Afraid to go to bed? Dragging myself through another day, exhausted and apathetic and wondering why I bother? Going to bed each night praying to a god I don't believe in to help me just get through the night without losing my temper? To somehow squash down that enormous rage that I feel upon being woken again and again? Every part of me screams I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it.
Is it teething? Is it the 9-month sleep regression? Is she getting worse every night because we go in to her? (Yes.) I know the last one is true, but my fear that she is in pain due to the first one makes me unable to just let her cry all night long. But it's a Catch-22. When I go in, she is happy to see me, and she's forcing herself to wake in order to see me again and again. I believe this is true, and I believe that is why her waking has consistently gotten worse and worse each night. But I can't not go in if she's teething and in pain.
So I'm stuck.
I thought the changes in me had to do with the fact that Nora weaned for good. Which isn't really a good thing itself, I really sucked at breastfeeding all told, but I also got my body back and I thought that those changes had finally returned me to normal.
Maybe that was part of it, but duh, a big reason is that Nora was finally sleeping. Sleeping well, sleeping through the night most of the time, and when she did wake it was usually just once or twice and very briefly.
And now for some reason that has all gone to hell, and I'm typing at 5:24 a.m. listening to Nora yell "Aaaaaaahhhh, ahya ya ya ya ya da da da da da". Let's see. She was up at 12:48, at 1:50 -- no wait, or was it 2:50? Or both? And at 5:04. We've changed her diaper, we've given her Tylenol, I don't know what's wrong. Nora has been waking all week and every night it's been getting worse instead of better. Culminating in tonight, where I was awake between about 12:48 and 3:15, too anxious and stressed out to go to sleep in between her wakings, and then awake again at 5 with her. So here I am. Back here.
I feel like I cannot return to this. I can't do this again. After having had some relief, after seeing the sun shine and hearing the birds sing, I'm now descending back into the miserable pit of hell. Is this how it's going to be again? Dreading each night? Afraid to go to bed? Dragging myself through another day, exhausted and apathetic and wondering why I bother? Going to bed each night praying to a god I don't believe in to help me just get through the night without losing my temper? To somehow squash down that enormous rage that I feel upon being woken again and again? Every part of me screams I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it.
Is it teething? Is it the 9-month sleep regression? Is she getting worse every night because we go in to her? (Yes.) I know the last one is true, but my fear that she is in pain due to the first one makes me unable to just let her cry all night long. But it's a Catch-22. When I go in, she is happy to see me, and she's forcing herself to wake in order to see me again and again. I believe this is true, and I believe that is why her waking has consistently gotten worse and worse each night. But I can't not go in if she's teething and in pain.
So I'm stuck.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
The Small-Minded Part of Back to School
Picking out that first-day-of-teaching outfit tonight: most of my old pants still don't fit. It is so hard to claw my way back to some semblance of my old body. I know it's petty and I don't ever want to talk about it in front of the kids. But man, I don't like the way things are right now. It's a slow work in progress, I guess.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Adventures in Eating
Milo finally figured out how to put something solid into his mouth and eat it, so here is video evidence. As you can hear, Nora was getting a little cranky. Milo ate about 5 veggie booties in a row. Milo's expressions here are priceless. I'm sure my inane chatter about moving it to the side and chewing really helped.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Meanwhile, in Babyland
Yesterday Nora pulled up to a stand on her own for the first time. She did it on the step. Later I got out a box for her to practice pulling up on, but I think it might be a little too tall. Also, Milo can now get up on his hands and knees and rock. He can't move forward yet, even when he's on his belly. He can only go in circles and back up, which pisses him off endlessly, but I'm sure he'll figure it out in time. Milo can also bang one toy against another now when both are in his hands.
I realized that when one baby is the first one to do the "big" firsts, like pulling to a stand or (getting close to) crawling, I'm more likely to document it because it's not quite as exciting when the second baby does it later. So in light of that, here is a video of Milo on his hands and knees:
And here's a cute one of Milo in the background and Nora in the foreground going for the camera:
I realized that when one baby is the first one to do the "big" firsts, like pulling to a stand or (getting close to) crawling, I'm more likely to document it because it's not quite as exciting when the second baby does it later. So in light of that, here is a video of Milo on his hands and knees:
And here's a cute one of Milo in the background and Nora in the foreground going for the camera:
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