Merry Christmas

Time for rest.

Little Gems

Every now and then I have one of those students, a student whose ideas and/or writing provides endless delight. I am almost done with my grading insanity now, and I saved the best final paper for last. I am grading undergraduate papers which means lots of writing-related irritations of one sort or another, but this last student hasn't failed to entertain me. One of my favorite sentences: "I do not feel that this is an activity greatly inhibited by the noise in the classroom, so upon reflection I still do not mind that the first five minutes after the bell in this period are best described as an eighth grade cantina."

4:09 A.M.

Oh it's that familiar middle-of-the-night quiet. The street is dark, and there are no sounds, and being up at this time reminds me of all of those other snow-covered dark times I used to be up, nursing and rocking babies.

Huh. I was starting to feel a little sorry for myself over this latest bout of insomnia I've had all week, but this memory has suddenly jolted me out of it as I think about how easy my life is now. I am up at 4 a.m., but tomorrow is Saturday and that means that I do not have to be up again at 6 or 7 a.m. I do not have to feed two babies every three hours, and that damn infernal pump is in the hands of some other hapless mother, so it is a middle-of-the-night sound I will never, ever have to hear again. And although I am up, I am not terrified about my future and tenure, and I am not trying to work out the mental calculus of how I will get all of my work done tomorrow despite being so exhausted that I cry without even realizing what I'm doing.

Maybe I'm awake because I'm a little sick. Or maybe it's the resurgence of those years of conditioning, becoming too accustomed to being woken suddenly from a deep sleep, adrenaline rushing through my body all at once.

Maybe it's this house decision, and my latest hesitation the consideration that we shouldn't tie ourselves to this town too tightly, not when our university system, which gets 7% of our state's funding, has to absorb 38% of the state's budget cuts for the next year. Or maybe it's the news that we'll have another 2 years of wage freezes, following the past 6 years of freezes, furloughs, and pay cuts.

--- Wild. I just heard strange child noises and went on immediate high alert, as a parent's body will automatically do in the middle of the night, waiting for that next cry, but then I realized that I was hearing a kid laughing in his or her sleep. ---

It's that continuing question we've all been grappling with over the past couple of years. Stay, and ride out the storm? Or get off before the Titanic sinks? I've been watching more and more people decide to jump ship. I can't get off if we've just bought an expensive house.

Tonight the kids were really excited about Christmas. This is the first year that they really get it, and are clued in to what is happening. A few times Milo said, this evening, that Santa was coming. Like, as in, right now -- he saw him driving up in that car out there on the street.

Also, tonight, Milo and Nora each decided on their own at separate times after dinner to go upstairs and put on their pajamas. When Milo decided to do this, I heard Nora go up with him and boss him around / encourage him as he was changing. "Now put your pants in the laundry basket, Milo. Good job!" I had a premonition of the future, one in which Nora continues to be the ring leader and Milo follows along.

I remember another 4 a.m. darkness, when Nora was 3 months old or 5 months old or 8 months old or something like that, rocking her and rocking her and gazing out the window at the inky blackness and waiting, waiting, waiting for her to fall back asleep. I remember looking at her sweet little baby head and thinking that there would be some point in the future when I would give anything to have an hour in the middle of the night to rock that baby again, to revisit that time.

This is not that time. I am gladder than ever right now that my kids put on their footie pajamas all by themselves, that they speculate together about Santa's arrival, that they thunder up and down the stairs like a herd of horses, that they crack each other up with belly laughs over their disgusting 4-year old jokes. I don't want to defile the sweetness of their babyhood, and it was sweet, but I am continuously gratified by the children they are now.

OW

Christmas coming, so it was just me and Mike, an ex college football player, at gym class today. So when our trainer said "want to do something different?", we said sure, and now -- wait? Did you hear that? I think it was the sound of my arms falling off.

Warm up: 2 laps of high knees, 2 laps of side squats, 2 laps of high kicks, 2 laps of front-and-back squats.

Rotation 1: 12 triceps pulls, 12 side-to-side jumping pull ups, 6 squats (60 lbs), 6 box jumps. Repeat 4 times.

Rotation 2: 10 bridges, 12 box push ups, 10 triceps overhead lifts. Repeat 4 times.

Seriously, box jumps are not that hard unless you've just done 6 squats lifting 60 lbs each time. And triceps overhead lifts (I'm totally making up half these names) are not that hard except when your arms are already dead from all those bridges and push ups. Also, I seriously seriously suck at bridges. The other guy who was in class today is super strong (he squats 110 lbs compared to my 60) and was totally way better than me at everything, despite being older than me.

My arms have never ever hurt that much. The end.

It is good that our trainer mixed it up today. I was starting to get a little cocky, thinking, these workouts aren't so hard anymore. Good to get completely smacked down.

Not Feeling' It

In short: Tired, getting sick. Tough week.

Jake and I are waffling all over the place on this house. We're going to see it again when my folks are here so we can show it to them and see what they think. (Get ready for a house tour Mom.) I am in a bizarre state of analysis paralysis.

Our grant is just about done now. I have about 180 pages of finals to grade in the next 2 days. All that black text on white background staring at me, taunting me. But I just want to sleep all the time.

Difficult grad student issues that just never, never, never end year after year after year. I try not to write about stuff like that. It's my story, but it's somebody else's too, so it's not really mine to share.

I found a sack of 3T Christmas clothes that I must have set aside a year or two ago; I have no idea where they came from, possibly hand-me-downs. They include a beautiful red Christmas dress that Nora absolutely refuses to wear or even try on. I find myself getting frustrated that she will only wear about 10% of the clothes in her drawer, but then I read this and resolve to be more understanding.

On the bright side: Today Nora and Milo played for a good 15-20 minutes in a homemade bedspread tent on Milo's bed without any fighting while I goofed around on my laptop downstairs. That alone is a sign that life gets easier all the time.

House We're Thinking of Buying

My colleague lives in our neighborhood and is selling his house. We took a look today. It has all the room we'd ever need and storage would never be a problem. It has a lot of nice things about it. We're very tempted to make an offer.

It probably won't work out, though, because they don't want to take a contingent offer, and Jake doesn't want to make an offer that's not contingent on the sale of our house (understandably).

Also, bonus picture from last weekend's tree cutting expedition.

Wondering

Am I being too outspoken these days and therefore offensive? Maybe I should tone it down.

Some Birthday Pictures

On the kids' birthday we shared a treat of pumpkin bread and a Curious George story with friends:

Against All Odds

Mentor and I are just about finished with the penultimate draft of the grant we've been working so hard on. It goes to our internal editor and then we'll do one final pass. In some ways it's harder to write this with three PIs than writing it alone, but in many ways it's much better since everybody brings a different type of expertise to the table. Anyway, because it's due soon we've been working around the clock on it.

But today NSF let us know that there are 900 letters of intent for this program, and they expect to fund 30 proposals. Oh...shit. 30 out of 900 just seems impossible. Those odds are just impossible. I feel really discouraged.

How are there even 900 people in our field doing grant-funded research? I didn't think we even had those kinds of numbers. This is wild. Anyway, it's tough to spend so much time and effort on something with such a small chance of success. Sometimes that's just the nature of the job, I guess, but with grants in particular the stakes are so high. I don't know how we'll fund everybody next year if we don't get this grant. Le sigh.

December 14

Wow, what a day, I'm beat. It's an Irish Russian kind of night.

The kids had a busy and exciting birthday. I think they had a great time.

It rained all day and was about 45 degrees today! What a contrast to 4 years ago, when it was bitterly cold (single digits?) and there was a foot of snow on the ground. I'll take this weather any day. I know we have our cold and snow coming, and it's fun to have big snowstorms, but this is really nice.

I know the holidays are busy for everybody. I feel like they really kick my butt now because I've got the kids' birthday, Christmas, and the end of semester (finals and tons of grading) all happening at the same time every year. Phew! Like I said...beat.

Have a Berry Happy Birthday

The kids' birthday party was today, along with another little girl in their class who shares their birthday. We combined forces and did a craft party. One of the things I brought was fruit. I made a berry medley with blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, and blackberries. Then I put it into 20 dixie cups. Then I put the dixie cups into my very nice glass brownie pan, the one that has a tupperware lid, and also came with an insulated fitted bag, perfect for taking brownies or other dishes to parties. I put the extra dixie cup berry medleys in a loaf pan on top of the brownie pan. Then I held the whole thing carefully in my lap as we drove to the party, cake secure in the trunk of the car.

Then, we got to the party and I got out and put the berries on the hood of the car to get Milo out. And then...

.

.

.

Poor berries. Poor non-existent brownie pan, the only brownie pan I had. No fruit at the party. We did have pizza, though, and carrots and a pinata and cake and lots of arts and crafts.

Both Milo and Nora are in that last picture.

The pull string pinata was a hit (much easier than bashing). The kids had a good time today. Instead of having presents, we had everybody bring a toy for Toys for Tots. One kid did give Nora and Milo birthday cards that play songs when you open them. The kids love these cards. They've been playing with them all day.

Cute stuff: At school, the kids have been reading poetry with their teachers. They read Hector the Collector and Milo asked to hear it again. The poem describes a fellow who loves to collect small things. At the end of the poem, though, another character calls the collected stuff "junk." While listening, Milo's face changed to a deep frown. When asked if he had anything he would like to share about the poem, Milo said, "That's not nice to say it is junk. It's treasure. I like string and rocks and it's not junk!" Then another kid said, "I like rocks too!"

Nora told me that she wants a horse. (I thought it'd be a while before we'd be fielding pony requests for Christmas!) To make sure I knew what she was talking about, Nora explained, "A horse that I can ride on. And one for Milo to ride on too."

Wow

The kids are almost 4! They're turning 4 on Wednesday. Tomorrow they're having their first birthday party.

Wednesday happens to be our home day, but we're all going into school at snack time to share a snack and a story with their friends. Also, Jake's parents had told us that they're driving through town at that time and want to stop by on the kids' birthday. In fact, his mom refused to send a package because it was so important to her to be able to physically be here to give the kids their gift on their birthday. (His parents live in Florida but are driving up here for Christmas, passing through our town on the kids' birthday).

Except...now they aren't. There was just...something...that kept me from telling the kids that their grandparents were coming to see them on their birthday. The kids love Jake's parents and I knew they'd be super excited about it. But something made me hold off. And now I'm very, very glad I didn't say anything because his parents have decided that they're actually going to be coming through town during the day on Tuesday, when the kids are in school and Jake and I are at work, and they'll miss us all together. So no birthday visit after all.

I'm glad I listened to that instinct so that Milo & Nora don't have to be disappointed.

Listserve

We have a neighborhood listserve and here are the recurring themes that get people to post over and over again on the exact same topic:

1) Cats. People post to the neighborhood annoyed at their neighbors' cats being allowed to wander outside, crapping in their gardens, killing their songbirds, and menacing their animals. People will also implore cat owners to keep their cats inside for the sake of the cats' health and safety. Toxoplasmosis has been brought up. Some have threatened to turn the cats in to the human society. This is always a one-sided discussion because so far, nobody has ever posted defending their rights to let their cats out free. This might be because it's actually a rule in our town that cats are not supposed to roam free (but many do).

I am in support of trying to get people to keep their cats indoors, because those cats come around to our house and terrorize my own indoor cats. They come up to our doors and windows, and royally freak out my cats, who then sometimes fight with each other because they can't get at the trespasser cat right outside the window. Also, one neighborhood cat has routinely attacked small kids, including Milo when he was around two. He missed Milo's eye by about a centimeter. His owners have an "aw, shucks" approach to the situation and don't seem to think they're capable of keeping him inside. However, I've never written to the listserve about the cat problem because as far as I can tell, nobody has ever changed their behavior as a result of these emails.

2) Lights on the bike path. This is a discussion/debate that rears its head routinely. Those in favor occasionally propose a project in which the city installs lights on our very, very dark bike path. Then people who have houses along the bike path all object. Apparently a proposed project may be moving forward to install directional (down facing) lights on the path. There is a hearing next week. We've been getting lots of long, detailed, angry emails from people with houses on the bike path. My sense is that they are worried that their house values will decrease due to light pollution.

I'm in favor of lights on the bike path. It's pitch black on that path so I can't use it in the winter, because even leaving work as early as 5 p.m. means it's dark on the walk home. The bike path is by far the most direct route home but I don't feel safe walking in the blackness. A cyclist, even with a light, could easily miss me until it's too late and run me over.

3) Routine (like weekly) pleas for parents to hose the ice rink every night throughout the winter. We have an ice rink maintained by the neighborhood, which means parents have to spend a few hours each night hosing the rink, standing outside in the freezing cold. Jake has accepted that he'll need to sign up for some shifts this year now that our kids will be using the rink.

4) Complaints about random neighborhood noises. This mostly has to do with noises from the energy plant and overhead planes and helicopters. At one point it morphed into an all-out flame war over the ethics of using public university money to have military flyovers during football games. (Our neighborhood is very close to the stadium, so the flyovers are super loud.) This flame war then ended up getting reported in the local weekly paper!

The rest of the posts tend to be more innocuous, limited to requests for recommendations for good electricians / plumbers / carpenters / roofing guys / nannies / pet sitters, people giving away their stuff to the first taker (we got a trike that way), reports of local crime sprees (mostly car break ins), reports of lost or found pets, and offers to sell or trade tickets to football / hockey / basketball games or plays and shows. It's a great community resource, even though I could do without the occasional anti bike path light screed or cat complaint.

Naughty, not nice

What is going on with our kids? Today Milo had to go to the office to cool down because he was pushing Nora and other kids. WTF? Then tonight the kids took magnets and used them to mark up our walls and doors. Jake was furious and they thought it was all a big joke. What? What on earth is their deal?

Punishments (time outs, no story before bed, etc.) don't seem to matter much at all to them, much less have any effect. I swear Milo can hit Nora, get a time out, we can talk about not hitting and what he should do otherwise, he can even SAY stuff like "I'll just walk away" or "I'll tell her not to do that", and then literally 2 minutes later he'll just hit her again. And Nora's pretty much the same way.

Who knew you could get sent to the office in PRESCHOOL....

Cranky

Well, today was a great day with the kids, if great includes somebody slamming the door and crushing a part of our feline member of the household, spats, skirmishes, hitting, and time outs. The kids turn 4 in exactly 1 week. At that time I expect them to change overnight and stop acting like a couple of drunk psychopaths.

By the way, disturbing story. Last night the kids were talking about how they're going to be the bad guys at school and kill this other kid they apparently don't like. So I explained how that's not nice, and if they killed her, she would be gone forever, and everybody would be so sad, and her parents would miss her so much. They totally didn't give a shit. They still decided they would kill her (I think they pretend, as in, bad guys and good guys, at least I hope!). So then I explained about jail and how, if you kill somebody, you go to jail and you don't get to go home. It is only after contemplating the concept of jail that Nora decided that she would not, after all, kill this other child. Okaaaaaay.

Also, my department apparently has insane people in it. Thank goodness none of these people are in my sub area. But seriously, there are apparently years-old or decades-old turf wars and territorial skirmishes that has resulted in petty jealousies and irrational behavior, to the point that my sub-area was going to meet with a job candidate next week as a group, together, and now we are not allowed to and must meet with the candidate separately. So that we are not perceived as being too interested in this job candidate. Which makes total sense. Oh wait. It makes absolutely no sense. Sometimes I think that this is one of the dangers of tenure. There is nothing preventing you from becoming completely ridiculous and acting like a child.

Also, I have to work every night because I can't go into work on Sunday this weekend.

So what were the good things today? I cut the kids' hair and didn't mess anything up too badly. Also, dinner turned out well. We had dal, roasted squash with a yogurt mint sauce, and chickpeas with garlic, mint, and feta. The chickpeas were especially great.

IBTP

I know that I write about the same thing every year - people changing my name for me! It's like I'm a pitt bull who's got a hold of a rag and can't let go! Uh...maybe not. Maybe that was actually the lamest metaphor ever used. But back to the point, I'm not shedding tears of rage or anything like that, but this is a form of cultural weirdness that definitely fascinates me. I find it quite interesting to try to understand why seemingly normal people try to remove other people's identities in this way.

I have an aunt (my aunt, not Jake's) who does this. She addresses things to my first name and Jake's last name. This is soooooo weird. She knows that's not my name. It never has been. And it's not even like she's Jake's family member and therefore doesn't know what my last name is. So why does she do this? Or more interestingly, why do people in general do this shit to women?

'Cause last time I checked, people aren't doing this to men. To my knowledge, nobody has ever said to themselves, "Hmmm, I don't like Jake's name. I don't agree with his choice, so I'm just going to use a totally different one for him from now on." Oddly, that has never, ever happened. And yet it happens to me on every holiday! So what's up?

I think it's a pretty interesting form of internalized misogyny when women do this to other women. My aunt changed her name when she got married, which everybody did back in her day. I guess she thinks everybody should do that now. Therefore it's okay to...police my lack of doing so? WTF? It's just so nonsensical to me. Hey, I don't agree with your decision, therefore I will just make up a name that isn't yours, and use that for you, whether you like it or not! Your choice means nothing to me! Your identity is meaningless to me! What matters is what I think is right.

The other weird thing about it is that I can only assume that folks who do this care more about their own righteous feelings of being correct (or policing others) than they care about their actual relationship with me. Because you know what? If you keep doing this disrespectful shit over and over again, I pretty much don't want anything to do with you. A long time ago I made the tough decision to not stay in close contact with people who treat me like crap, even if those people happen to be family. And my life has been much, much happier and much less stressful as a result. So what has to happen for you to reach the point at which you'll think, hey, I'd rather make a point to Amy than actually, like, treat her respectfully? (Maybe they're sick of my bullshit, which, okay. Fair point. But this name thing is a really protracted, roundabout way to get rid of me. Just stop corresponding with me. That's easier.)

I Blame the Patriarchy, man.

One last thing. We all have our political opinions. I'm a big ole feminist, which means that I think all people should have dignity, autonomy, and respect regardless of stuff like race or national origin or sex. It also means I think we need to work hard to change the status quo, and I don't love it when people change their names when they get married. But you know what? I use their married names anyway. Whether I like it or not isn't the point. My opinion isn't the point. The point is that it's your name, not mine, and I don't have any right to re-label you as I see fit. So I call people what they wish to be called, because that's, like, just basic respect. (That just makes sense if you view who you're dealing with as an actual full-fledged person, and not just a member of the sex class.)

Knee Fail

I feel very frustrated/sad/angry about my knee. Today I went running on the treadmill at the gym instead of outside, because it was so cold. But the treadmill doesn't force me to use my calves as much, and a mere mile in my knee was starting to hurt.

It has been 8 years of trouble with my knee and various attempts to try to fix this intermittent but always there problem. I feel so bummed about this because it prevents me now from doing any serious distance training. I really feel like now I could run long distances and train for a marathon. My fitness is totally there. My muscles are there. My feet are there. But my stupid piece of crap knee will not cooperate. It's just such a drag.

It seems kind of hopeless, I guess. I don't know why I keep persisting over so many years of things never changing. Am I still going to be running and complaining about my knee in 20 years? Probably.

I Don't Know

Me: Nora, what do you want for Christmas?

Nora: Uh, I don't know. You just talk it over with Santa for me.

Milo, arranging two chairs together: Look at my car!

Me: Wow, what kind of car is it?

Milo: I don't know. I just got it at the old fashioned car store.

Grants and Pull Ups

Mentor and I are submitting another grant along with a collaborator at a different institution. We've mostly got a draft of it now. I've lost track of how many grants we've submitted together at this point. It's a lot (and we've had 2 big ones and 3 little ones funded over the years).

Meanwhile, coincidentally, I got a notice from NSF today about an overdue final report on an old grant I had as a co-PI with another PI from a different institution (I had a subcontract). That grant ended ages ago...for me. Turns out the PI has been milking the grant over the past 2 years through no-cost extensions and not sharing any of the money with me. I haven't seen a penny since 2009. (Even though up through this fall I've still been analyzing that data set, without compensation of course).

This has served as a strong reminder to be grateful for my kind and fair collaborators here at my current institution. People who do not not screw me over. People who get stuff done when they say they will. A collaborator who is fair and equitable about parceling out both the work and the rewards. Somebody who doesn't take credit for other people's ideas, and instead does everything possible promote the work of more junior colleagues. It's easy to take it for granted and forget that not everybody is like that.

Anyway, I really hope we get this grant. It's actually the most excited I've ever been about a project we've proposed together. I think it'd be a super awesome and very interesting project to do. But the grant funding situation is so crummy right now (5%), so it's probably not wise to get too excited over it. Fingers are crossed.

My other goal: Pull up! I am not there yet, but am getting closer. My gym coach got a band out that he ties to the pull-up bar and then I step into so that I do, basically, less-than-full-weight pull ups. I don't think it takes very many pounds off because it is still very, very hard. I can almost do it by myself, but not quite, so then my coach has to spot me just a little bit. However, I am doing all of this work after the crossfit class each time, when my arms and shoulders are already tired from the workout. My gym coach says, "You're going to get there in a few weeks." I don't know if it'll be that soon but hopefully in at least a couple of months I will get there! For some reason I have identified a pull-up as my own personal benchmark for becoming awesome. I think this is maybe because my friend Anne does pull ups and I want to emulate her awesomeness. (Hi Anne!)

What's Hard?

I asked the kids what's hard. Here are their answers.

Nora: Throwing a tire up is hard. But I can throw up a tire.

Milo: Glass is hard.