Yesterday we got the news of our colleague's denial, then we had our first graduate seminar. Then after the seminar we all went down to the student union to finish up an entirely unproductive Friday over beers. (Well, in my case, wine). Nobody could concentrate on anything. My mentor and I spent the whole time wondering what was going on and going through various "what if" scenarios. Like he always does, he spent some time emphasizing "but in your case, it'll be fine", but the words ring hollow to me now.

We ate nothing, but I drank one cup of wine, which I didn't even finish, and yet by the end of the afternoon I felt drunk. I don't know how that works. Then that evening Jake and I went to a very nice restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. They gave us complimentary glasses of champagne before dinner. Then they gave us little amuse bouches, rosemary crackers with mozzarella and truffles in olive oil. Dinner then began with candy onion soup with pine nuts, bacon lardons, and grape must. The next course was market heirloom tomatoes with grilled sweet corn and Maine lobster, lime-cayenne aioli, and pain blanc. The final course was line-caught fluke with toasted farro, bean and pancetta salad, shallot marmalade, and a ground cherry-pine nut pesto. Because I felt like I should, I also had wine with dinner, but it was probably a mistake because before the meal even started I felt exhausted and semi-drunk. Dessert was called chocolate mousse, but actually it was basically the biggest, fanciest s'more I've ever eaten. There was a graham-cracker crust, a dense, dark chocolate mousse, and a marshmallow top. It was outstanding and I couldn't finish it even though this is the type of place where you can't get your food boxed up to go. After dessert they brought out another little snack, a dessert version of the amuse bouche I suppose, with tiny tasty desserts.

I haven't eaten a meal like that in years and by the end my body was working so hard to process it that I could barely function. I fell asleep at 9:30 and woke throughout the night with a stomach ache. The food was so incredible, but I pay for it when I eat like that.

There have been many emails flying around today in the wake of this departmental event. My friend is handling it well, heading out of town to spend time with her nieces this weekend. "Friends and family, that's where it's at", she says cheerfully. I think I am shut down and just don't want to deal with anything. I need to prepare a statement and a talk for a conference next week. I need to pack and do laundry. I need to finish the section of a book I'm writing. I need to finish my stupid article. I need to do some last-minute things with my graduate course before I leave town. And all for what? So that I can lose my job in a couple of years? Sometimes it all seems kind of pointless.