Six Months

Well, babies, we've all made it to 6 months. Let's raise a glass to that, then down it and ask for another. After all, this is Make it a Double.

Milo and Nora have kind of a crummy birthday, being born in mid-December and all, but they have a rocking half birthday. The night before they turned 6 months old, our neighborhood held a giant party and movie screening in the park across the street from our house. Friday the 13th was the last day of school, so that was a day worth celebrating. There was a sound system and pizza and picnic blankets and kids practicing their dance moves and basketball and cocktails. Everything you could ask for in a half-birthday celebration. Did I mention the cocktails? Maybe we'll have to make a tradition of celebrating the kids' half birthday, because June 14 is a lovely time to celebrate.











So we've really reached the land of milk and honey when it comes to all things baby. I wish I could go back 6 months and tell myself that it's going to be just fine. That although I was incredibly overwhelmed and secretly afraid that I had just destroyed our lives, I hadn't really. That I would one day cease to live my life in 3-hour chunks of time. That those wailing, peeing, pooping lumpy human beings were going to turn into delightful, giggly, interesting people. People who I would not only love because they were my children and I had to love them, but people who I would also like just because they were cool.

Jake just told me that he's glad we had kids. "Who else will we go camping with?", he asked. "Who else are we going to mold in our own images?" He definitely wasn't saying that kind of thing 6 months ago. So, sarcasm aside, we've made it a long way.

We've had a lot of milestones in the past month. Milo and Nora started eating solid foods, and this is really exciting for Nora. Every time I start feeding her, the first few spoonfuls elicit a hilariously sour face, as if to say "what are you doing to me, woman?" Then she warms up to it, then she starts to open her mouth in anticipation, then she starts doing the bulldog head shake as she tears into that spoonful, then she starts laughing. Given what a crappy eater Nora has been up until now, I'm absolutely delighted at the way she has taken to solids. Maybe she just doesn't like the taste of the stuff we put into bottles. I can't blame her, I've never been able to enjoy milk of any kind. Who wouldn't choose squash over milk? Even sweet potatoes take on their own starchy charm in contrast to bottles of milk.


Milo has taken to solids the way he takes to most things; he's cool. He can handle it. It's new, it's a little weird, it's worth a bug-eyed look or two, but he'll take it in stride. I stick him in his bouncy chair, throw that bib on him, and he looks at me like it's all old hat. "Bring it," he tells me.

This has been the month of grabbing anything within reach and shoving it into mouths. The other day, I swear, Milo shoved his entire fist into his mouth. Like, up to his wrist. Granted, not having any teeth to get in the way probably helps, but I'm pretty sure he has to unhinge his jaw to fit that meaty paw of his so far in. Milo pretty regularly gags himself on his own fingers, and I have to tell him to slow down, buddy, hold back.

Hands aren't the only thing going in mouths, of course. Both babies also like to shove burp cloths, toys, our fingers, my watch, placemats, books, newspapers, clothes, diapers, camera straps, and the cat's tail into their mouths. Basically, if it can be moved, it can fit into the mouth.

Speaking of the cats, Nora and Milo are both noticing them a lot more these days. They're fascinated by these creatures, so conveniently painted black and white, who lazily amble past their fields of vision a dozen times a day. Sam and Caspian more or less tolerate the babies at this point. I'm not exactly sure why those corpulent creatures are so interesting. I mean, Nora can be on the floor and I'll try to catch her gaze, I'll smile and wave at her, I'll make funny faces and funny noises, I'll break out the dance moves, and she'll give me a brief, polite glance before returning her intense, loving gaze to the cat. The cat, who isn't doing anything other than sitting there licking its own butt.


This has also been the month of rolling. Both babies are rolling from front to back and back to front now, and this provides endless hours of entertainment. We can just set them in the middle of a giant blanket, scatter a few toys down there, and watch them roll all over the place. Sure, they might roll off the blanket onto the hardwood floor, and sure, Milo's head tends to clunk a little bit when he rolls from front to back, but he doesn't seem to mind. Every now and then a baby will get stuck under the couch, or something, and we'll re-set them in the middle of the blanket. They're getting so active that I decided that we had better get a big area rug so that they'll have a softer spot to play and fall. I mean, the alternative would be actually watching them all the time, and frankly that would interfere with my valuable wine-drinking time.

I was really anxious to get the babies to roll so I spent a lot of time placing toys just out of their reach, in hopes that they would roll towards the toys. This never really worked, it just pissed them off. So then I switched to convincing Jake to place the toys directly out of their reach, and then after they struggled and got mad for a while, I would swoop in and provide the toy. Lesson learned; daddy is mean, placing toys out of reach. Mama is nice, providing toys. Who do you love better, babies? That's right. Thaaaaaat's right.

Both Milo and Nora have found their feet. This is an incredible delight for Milo especially. He discovered his feet for the first time when he was on the changing table, and he gave me a look as if to say, holy shit, why have you been hiding these from me all this time? These are the greatest toys of all time. Forget that crinkly cube thing with the handles, I've already seen that today. Forget that firefly that jingles, don't you know I've already put every square inch of it in my mouth? What about the feet? I want the feet. Where are those feet -- ahhh, here they are. Ahhhhhh, yes. Feet, we meet again.



Milo has also started saying "da da da da", just in time for Father's Day. He likes to say it loudly, and then when he gets really excited, he likes to whisper it, "da da da da da". I honestly don't think that I have ever, ever witnessed anything as adorable as that baby whispering "da da da da". Why is a whisper so cute? I don't really know. I mean, first they yank this baby boy out of my belly, and then he stares at me with a giant wrinkled forehead, and the next thing I know, he has mastered the whisper. Where does he get this stuff? Who is this kid? It's like he's got his own personality or something. I can't wait to find out what he comes up with next.

Both babies are also doing a lot of laughing now. Nora has a social, flirtatious laugh. She laughs just looking across the room at daddy, for no discernible reason. Sometimes, she laughs at the ceiling. Jake is convinced that Nora sees things we can't see. Milo's laugh is a little more deliberate. Sometimes he laughs politely, a few chuckles, like he's humoring us. It's like he's saying "okay, you're going to all this trouble to pretend to eat my belly, I'll give you a couple of pity laughs. Heh. heh. heh." But other times, something will really crack Milo up, like when his dad blows raspberries, and then he breaks into a low, rumbling belly laugh.


One of the biggest milestones just occurred this week: Milo started sleeping through the night. He hasn't done it every night, but he's doing it more and more often now, and I can't even begin to describe how incredible this is. Two nights ago Jake actually slept 9 hours in a row for the first time since the babies were born. And me, all I had to do was get up 4 times with Nora, but that's a different story. Milo, you're the king of sleep. I can put you in your crib, awake, and leave the room, and you'll talk to yourself for a minute or two, sigh, roll onto your side, and fall asleep. Just like that. We've never had to let you cry, we've never had to do much of anything to get you to fall asleep. When Nora is screaming in the middle of the night, you'll either sleep through it, or even more impressively, you'll wake, grumble for a second, sigh, roll onto your other side, and go back to sleep. All. by. yourself. Milo, I can't tell you how impressed I am by that. You must have your dad's constitution, you must have inherited his ability to fall asleep because it's midnight, darn it, and wake-up time is 8 a.m., therefore in order to get the recommended 8 hours of sleep it is necessary to fall asleep riiiiiight....NOW. In your case, you're out by 7:30, and for the past few nights you've been sleeping until almost 7 a.m.

Now things aren't quite that easy for Nora. I know that my obsession with sleep has been going on more or less constantly for the past six months, and maybe this blog should actually be called "The Chronicles of Nora Not Sleeping". Nora, you don't seem to enjoy going to sleep. In fact, you fight it. You fight it with every inch of your being. I think that you know, somehow, that when you go to sleep you'll no longer be with mama and daddy, and you're just not all that thrilled about being alone. So your eyes will get heavy, and you'll start to nod off, and then you'll forcibly jerk yourself awake again. Nora, this will serve you well in college. When you're working on that physics problem set, the one that you swore you'd start right after it was handed out and not leave until the last minute, the one that you left until the last minute, when it's 4 a.m. and you have 6 hours to finish that problem set, your ability to stay awake under pressure is going to come through for you. It's going to allow you to soldier through, to get those problems completed, to get a good grade in physics even though you spent most of your nights last week partying over at the Kappa Sigma house.

But now, Nora, as a baby, your ability to stay awake despite our best attempts to help you fall asleep is driving us crazy. This is extra true now that you can roll, because you spend a fair amount of time in the middle of the night rolling yourself into a terribly uncomfortable position, scaring the daylights out of me because you're on your belly and you face is smashed into the crib mattress, and you get stuck and start to cry. Nora, you have a really hard time sleeping, and maybe you're just one of those babies who doesn't need a lot of sleep, because you don't enjoy napping for longer than half an hour either. So to recap, sleep at night? Lousy. Sleep during the day? Lousy. Have we let you cry yet? No way. We're way too chicken to do it, because when you cry even for just a couple of minutes, you get so worked up that the effects last several hours. So we're currently stuck in this limbo where you don't sleep, and so I don't sleep, and you get cranky and you hurl your tiny little body into all sorts of weird contortions, and I get cranky and go seek out that bottle of wine. Hah! I kid.

But in all honesty, Nora, there is something I want you to know. I want you to understand that I wouldn't have it any other way. Your current non-sleeping ways are clearly just a part of who you are. You are a determined little person. You have a lot of energy. You are a fighter. I love that spark in you, I just love it. So if it means that we have to wait a while before you start sleeping more, that's okay, it's a trade I'll take in order to have a baby girl who is so fiery and sure of herself. I wouldn't want you to be any different from exactly how you are.

Tonight, on the babies' half birthday, Jake and I are celebrating by getting the hell out of here. The twin whisperer is coming over, Jake and I are donning our fancy clothes, and we're going to a wedding reception. Two of my graduate students have married each other (awwww), and the occasion is giving us a chance to go on our first real date since the babies were born. We're going to hop into our car and race away, tires squealing as we drive into the sunset. It is going to be magnificent. As the evening wears on, my thoughts will turn more and more often to Nora and Milo, just as they do when I am away at the office. By the end of the evening I'll be ready to call it a night, and as we return home I'll steal into their room and kiss their sweet little heads, and breathe in their sweet baby scents, and thank the stars that they are in our lives.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

The little ones turn 6 months old tomorrow. My how they've changed in just half a year:

Is Twice Significant?

Last night, for the second time in a row, Milo slept through the night.

Slept. Through. From 7:30 p.m. until 6 a.m., and then after a pacifier plug, again until 7:10 a.m.

This is totally blowing my mind. To just have to feed and deal with ONE baby at nighttime, that would be incredible! Oh please please please let this be real.

Our Girls Are Not Our Little Princesses

Nora, so many good people have been fighting so hard for things you will hopefully be lucky enough to take for granted when you get older. But we still have a long way to go.

Sleep Statistics Week 3

Day 15: 3 wake ups, all Nora. She woke at 10:30 but went back down quickly, woke at 2:45 at which point we fed them, and again at 5:20 and needed some rocking to go back to sleep. Could be worse.

Day 16: 4 wake ups, you guessed it, Nora. 11, 11:15, 1:30, and 2 something to eat. The kids slept until about 6:45.

Um, I've read somewhere that most babies "settle", i.e., sleep all the way through the night, between 4 and 6 months. You hear that, kids? You only have a week left to settle!

Day 17: 4 wake ups, all Nora, 11, 1, 2 (we fed them then), and 4:30. Let's not let 4 become a pattern, okay? Nora?

Day 18: 4 wake ups, half and half. Nora woke sometime, I can't remember, and then again at 1:30, and I fed her just because I needed to feed somebody due to having plugged duct, then Milo woke at 3 and we fed both of them, and then Milo woke again an hour or two later because we were having a huge thunderstorm. He seemed scared. But Jake comforted him and he went back to sleep.

Day 19: Only 2 wake ups, Nora at 2 and Milo at 3:30 when we fed them! So Nora didn't go to sleep until 8 p.m. because she spent a lot of time crying as Jake held her before bedtime. She just had a hard time settling down. I know this has happened before when there were other good nights. So I hope this doesn't mean Nora needs to cry before having a good sleep night!

Day 20: 3 wake ups, Nora at 11:36, Nora at 2:30 when we fed them, and Nora sometime early in the morning, but Jake convinced her to go back to sleep until 7:15. So, 2, 3, 4 wake ups isn't perfect, but better than the numbers we were seeing in week 1.

Day 21: Nora had a couple of wake ups before we went to bed, then after bed she woke 4 times, I think. It's already a little hazy. Yes, I remember now, it was 4 times.

So what have I learned from 3 weeks of keeping track? The most important thing is that things are objectively getting better even if it doesn't feel like that. Although it's hard to make accurate calculations when I sometimes used numbers like "4 or 7", or "a hundred thousand", roughly in the first week the babies woke an average of about 7 times a night. In the second week, they woke an average of a little over 3 and a half times a night, and this week it was a little under 3 and a half times a night. So maybe we've plateaued here, but at least things are heading in the right direction.

Photo Essay

Invert

Today Nora rolled from back to front, and back again! Then she did it three more times. Way to go Nora!

I'm currently listening to her on the monitor. She's been talking and banging things around and generally refusing to go down for her nap for the last half hour. Holding her just gets her even more riled up, if that's possible. Ah -- and she just woke Milo. At least her non-napping time is providing lots of valuable rolling practice!

End of the Road

Before Nora and Milo were born, their pediatrician told me that women can't make enough colostrum to feed two babies, so they would need formula supplementation in the beginning. I didn't like what I heard, and challenged it, and she reassured me a number of times that the goal was to get both babies breastfeeding exclusively. That was a goal she supported, a goal that the hospital supported, and one that formula supplementation should enable because otherwise, she explained, the babies would not get the calories they needed, and they would get too sleepy to eat, thus interfering with breastfeeding.

I wanted a supplemental nursing system for the formula supplementation because I wanted the babies to focus on nursing. After all, I was going to nurse both of them, simultaneously. Throughout their infancy. That was the plan.

HA.

So Milo and Nora were born and all of that flew out the window because neither baby could even nurse at all in the beginning. They couldn't suck. The lactation consultants came in and visited me a couple of times a day and they wrote little instructions onto the white board in the hospital room. The instructions said something like "1. 10-15 cc in a bottle. 2. Put to breast if alert and interested. 3. Pump 15 minutes. 4. Complete within 45 minutes." Getting them to drink even 10 cc (1/3 of an ounce) was an enormous challenge in the beginning. The babies had a hard enough time staying awake long enough to suck from a bottle, much less try to nurse. The whole process usually took between an hour and a half to two hours. I was never able to finish in 45 minutes.

So bottles it was, from the day they were born. My concern with exclusive breastfeeding moved to the back burner because I was so concerned with getting them to eat anything, period.

Over the next few weeks the doctor, the lactation consultants, and the lactation nurses worked with me to transition Milo and Nora to nursing. When I first started nursing each baby exclusively for a feeding (without giving a bottle afterwards), I was terrified that they weren't getting enough to eat. But they were, and eventually we reached the point at which for each feeding, I nursed one baby exclusively and the other baby got a bottle from Jake. We traded off babies each time. Thus we entered the successful phase in which I no longer had to give anybody a bottle, ever. I just nursed them. I was able to nourish both of my babies, and it was beautiful, because it was something I was able to do for them, finally. Something my body was able to do right, after so many things going wrong.

I never made enough milk to feed them breastmilk exclusively. At my peak, when I was taking both Fenugreek and Domperidone, I made enough for about 1 and a half, maybe 1 and 2/3 babies. I spent a lot of time frustrated about my supply, and pumping around the clock, but I learned to accept that formula was part of the picture.

Then reflux came our way, then a nursing strike, then mastitis, then a respite in which things rebounded again, and then, and then, they just decided to...stop.

Not all at once, so it's not a clean break. But 9 times out of 10, if it's daylight, Nora and Milo won't nurse. They behave the same way. They'll latch on and nurse for about a minute, maybe two, and then break the latch, turn away, twist their body away from me, and cry if I try to reintroduce the breast. I'll switch them to the other side, and they'll cry. I'll give them a break, burp them, put them to the breast again, and they'll cry. And cry, and cry, if I keep trying. They'll just refuse, and cry. Then I get mad, and then I make a bottle, and give it to them, and they drink it down as if they've been starving.

This has been going on for a long time.

Longer than it should have been, I think. I'm starting to see that now. It's not healthy for every feeding to be a power struggle. I keep saying I'm going to quit, and then I keep trying, and pumping, struggling to keep up a supply that is dwindling every week. What keeps me trying is that 10th time. Every now and then, for some reason, once every couple of days, one of them will actually nurse. And that small margin of success has kept me going. But most of the time, it doesn't work, and I'm tired of fighting with Nora, and I'm tired of fighting with Milo. I'm tired of being so mad and sad about it. I'm tired of not being able to accept that we've reached some sort of impasse here.

I don't know exactly why it is so hard for me to just give up. If I give up, we can all move on. Feedings can cease to be a negative experience. I get my body back. I get my time back, time I can spend with the babies instead of pumping every day. I get to go back to bed in the middle of the night 20 minutes earlier, because I'll no longer be pumping after the 2 a.m. feeding. There are so many things that would be, will be, nice about giving up. So why is it so hard to just give up already?

Aside from my natural stubbornness I guess it's just hard to admit defeat on this one. Public service announcements aside, it was just...lovely...to be able to feed Nora and Milo the way they were supposed to be fed. It felt like a gift I was giving them. This somehow reached such heights of importance in my mind that I have let it overcome other issues, like the fact that it's not healthy to try to force them to nurse all the time when they don't want to, and it's not healthy for me to get mad about it all the time. So they're going to be 6 months old soon, and I think at that time, unless something drastic changes, I'm going to stop trying. I'll still nurse them in the middle of the night, when for some reason they seem to accept it, but otherwise, I'm going to stop fighting them. I'm ready to spend more time just enjoying my babies. And I need to remember that there is more to parenthood than how I feed them. A lot more. I'm really looking forward to moving into the stage in which parenting has nothing to do with my body.

[Update since I wrote this: Aaaaaand now I have mastitis. Again. That's a real supply killer.]

Rice Cereal

So the avocado met with mixed reactions, but the kids liked the rice cereal, especially Nora. She really started to go for it and I think she got the hang of eating it. Milo sort of tolerated it but didn't seem overly enthusiastic. I think he was eating it, though. Nora, on the other hand, started to open her mouth and enthusiastically chomp on the spoon, and by the end of the feeding session she was just cracking up. Laughing and laughing, about what I don't know, the joy that is rice cereal?

I love how she shakes her head before chomping down on the spoon.

Bird versus Bird

What a hard day Sunday was. Nora and Milo both didn't want to go down for their morning nap, and we only got them to sleep an entire hour after they were supposed to sleep. There is just something about TWO crying, fussy babies at the same time to make you go nuts. I had to leave the room at one point, I was just so frustrated. For the afternoon nap, Milo went down fine and Nora wouldn't go down at all. I took her into bed with me and that didn't work either. I was so tired, and Jake took her. I fell asleep and 20 minutes later woke to her screaming her head off. Turns out Jake hadn't put her down at all, he'd just put her in a bouncy seat to play for 20 minutes until she finally got so tired that she was going ballistic. I took Nora into bed and she fell asleep immediately. For the evening nap, Nora just skipped it entirely. She wouldn't go down at all. After more than half an hour, we gave up. On top of all that, neither baby would nurse all day long. I wasn't able to have any successful nursing sessions and it seems that we're down to middle-of-the-night and early morning as far as successful nursing goes.

On the bright side, summer seems to have arrived, and Sunday was wonderfully, delightfuly warm and humid. Exercise is good for anger management, so I took them out in the jogger in the late afternoon. As I was plodding along I went under a tree and felt a gentle "plop" on the top of my head. A bird had taken a crap on my head. Fortunately, I was wearing a hat.

When I take the babies out I always get a lot of remarks from people. Yesterday I heard lots of "oh how cute!", and "look Taylor/Madison/Jayden/Niko, two babies!", and "You've got a full house", and "Congratulations!". Lots of smiles, which is lovely. Also, I passed one older lady and she took a look at me and the babies and said "they're going to get some red toes out like that!"

Oh my gosh, it was my first mommy drive by!

The funny thing is that I had actually been worrying about their feet. It was a hot day, and it was late in the day (5 p.m.) and the sun was low in the sky. The jogger has a good canopy but it's not good enough to cover them 100% when the sun is so low. So their feet were poking out into the sun, and the path I was on was about half shaded and half in the sun as we ran in and out of trees. I was concerned about their little feet poking out, but the problem is that they don't keep socks on. They kick them right off, and shoes too, and blankets as well, plus it was hot out. So the old lady's comment bothered me since I'd already been feeling concerned about their feet in the sun. (They can't wear sunscreen before 6 months).

Then I figured oh well, it's 5 p.m., for crying out loud, in a northern state, and we're in the shade half the time anyway, they'll be okay. It's funny how much that busybody's comment bugged me. Their feet are fine, of course. And if I had to choose whether to take shit from a bird versus an old lady, I'd choose the bird.

Professor Belly-Pat Strikes Again

Professor Belly-Pat, wandering into my office: Where are the kids?

Me: They're at home.

Professor Belly-Pat: What kind of mother are you, here without your babies?

Me: Ah, hah hah hah! (Look how cheerful and good natured I am about your ribbing, please remember how nice I am come tenure time!)

My internal response: A mother trying to get tenure so she can keep her job and continue to feed and clothe her children, asshat.

Sleep Statistics Week 2

Night 8: Holy cow! The babies only woke up twice! Milo woke at 1:36 and I gave him a pacifier, and then Nora woke up at 3 and that's when we fed them. How did that happen? What was the magic thing that we did differently? They napped very well that day, so maybe it was a "sleep begets sleep" issue. Or maybe it's because they had sleeveless sleep sacks on so they weren't too hot. Who knows. Can we repeat this magic?

Night 9: 5 wake-ups, the first at 1:17. We fed them at 3:30 which was late, but that's when they woke to eat. All of the non-eating wake-ups were Nora. Ah, Nora. Nora, Nora, Nora.

Night 10: 7 wake-ups, I think, 6 Nora and 1 Milo. Nore woke first at 11:36. Between about 11:30 and 1 she seemed to be suffering in some way, or something was bothering her sleep but we couldn't figure out what it was. We changed her and held her and she finally fell asleep at around 1:10 and they both slept until 3:10 at which point they woke and we fed them. The only thing I've learned so far is that if the first wake-up happens early, like before 12:30 or 1 a.m., then that means a bad night is coming. Then our twin whisperer came and told us that her other baby (her Tu/Thurs baby) now sleeps from 7:30 p.m. until 6 or 6:30 a.m. and this kid is only 3 months old! (Although he already weighs more than Nora and Milo). There is no justice in the world of baby sleep.

Night 11: 3 wake-ups, the first around 12:30. Nora woke up and needed to be nursed back to sleep, and then she woke up again at 2 and Jake was in there with her. I was in bed listening to her fuss, and then cry, and then scream, as if Jake was poking her with a sharp stick or something. So I finally gave up and got out of bed and stormed into the nursery saying "WHAT is the problem? Why don't you just feed her?" "It's too early," he retorted, "I don't think she's hungry." So I took her and rocked her until she was juuuust about asleep, and then Milo woke up and started fussing. I thought I could lay Nora down and pick up Milo and feed him, but of course she started to scream the minute her body hit the crib mattress. So Jake came in and we fed them. Milo woke once in the early morning, but went back to sleep fairly easily.

Night 12: 4 wake-ups, the first at 11. Nora woke 3 times before the feeding and twice had to be held and rocked to go back to sleep. I fed Milo at 2:45 and Jake fed Nora at 3:20. Milo woke at 6:30 but I convinced him to go back to sleep for another 45 minutes.

Night 13: We have attained the holy grail. Just one wake-up. Nora woke at 2:15, we fed them at 2:20, and they slept until 7. How do we do that again? Did it happen because Nora went to sleep a little later than usual (8 p.m.)? Did it happen because she had a hard time and cried for about 15 minutes that evening while Jake tried to soothe her? Or was it just a coincidence?

Night 14: 3 wake-ups, the first at 12:41. First it was Nora, who needed to be rocked back to sleep, then it was Milo, then they both fell asleep and didn't wake up again until 3:15 at which point we fed them. Not too terrible.

Last night I went to bed late because we had friends over for dinner. It is awkward to do that because we have to spend the hour between 6:30 and about 7:45 feeding the babies and putting them down. So we can either eat a super-early dinner, which we tend to do, or eat a super-late dinner that I can't even start cooking until 7:45, which we did last night. Then our friends (who are great) wanted to stay for a long time but did eventually leave after I took out my contacts and put on my glasses, and brought my water jug down to fill up, among other various hints. But anyway, we still went to bed about an hour and a half late so this morning when Milo woke up and started talking at 6:40 I thought, no way, it is WAY too early to get up. I need another 20 minutes! I tried to give Milo a pacifier but he wanted none of it, he just wanted to talk and play, so I left him alone and went back to bed for 20 minutes. Except I fell into a deep sleep and 20 minutes turned into 45 minutes, at which point Nora started making noise and woke me up. I came into the nursery to see that Milo had turned himself 90 degrees and had fallen back asleep, which made me a little sad. Jerky mama was too tired to get up so she abandoned her baby to play by himself, at which point he gave up waiting and went back to sleep. Oh well -- it's not like he cried or anything.

Back in the Saddle

It's been over a year and a half since I did any running. I ran through the fall of '06, but then when it got cold and miserable outside, I started focusing on other exercise more than running. During the late winter and early spring of '07, my life was about making the upcoming IVF work. So I didn't drink alcohol or caffeine, I practiced relaxation techniques, I took my prenatal vitamins, and I didn't do any running. I'd read obscure studies linking exercise more strenuous than walking to lower success rates. I switched to walking only, and stayed that way until I got pregnant. Then I got sick and even walking went out the window, then I got huge, then I had the babies, and then I spent time recovering from the c-section, and then I started walking again.

So it was long past time to bite the bullet and start running. It's hard to figure out when to do it because ideally I'd take the babies out when they're awake but not hungry, with enough time before and after to change, stretch, shower, etc. That is not possible but I think it is possible to run with the babies if I skip the before-run stretch, do a very quick after-run stretch, and delay showering until after I've fed them post run.

Yesterday we headed out with the jogging stroller. One thing about me as a runner is that I really, really suck at it. Really. Before grad school I wasn't even able to run around the block without getting a stitch in my side. I was active and healthy through my life with other, non-running activities, but running always eluded me. Then in grad school I decided it was dumb that I couldn't run, and I should just do it, albeit very slowly. So I started up very slowly, and kept increasing my times slowly, and the first time that I ran for an entire half hour without stopping I did a little Rocky-esque victory dance, punching the air and humming "Eye of the Tiger". I kept at it and eventually ran a half marathon. My only goals were to finish, to not walk, and to not be the last person across the finish line. The last person gets followed by an ambulance, just in case, and I didn't want to be followed by an ambulance. I met my goals and that day was one of the highlights of my life.

So back to me sucking as a runner. The primary way in which I suck is that I am very slow. Yesterday being my first day back in a long time I was extra slow. I was so slow that everybody else jogging on the bike path passed me. Little girls on tricycles passed me. Then this old grandpa type who was walking his lame dog passed me. I mean literally lame. This dog was a fairly small lap dog type who must have had a spinal injury of some sort, because his hind legs were completely paralyzed, and he was hooked up to one of those carts with little wheels, dragging that thing along, his hind feet bound up so that they didn't scrape as they dragged along the ground. I am not kidding. THE LITTLE PARALYZED DOG DRAGGING THE CART PASSED ME.

But that's okay. The great thing about doing something that you know you're bad at is that performance doesn't matter, and you have license to be lousy, and just doing it at all counts. That is what is great about me and running. I can leave behind any need to actually be good at it, and instead just do it.

Doing this sort of thing with babies in my life is kind of hard. The very minute they were up from their nap I whisked them into clean diapers, threw them into the stroller, and we were on our way. I knew I had 45 minutes tops before they'd start yelling for food. All was fine, it started to sprinkle a little bit but the babies didn't mind too much, so I decided to keep going to the next intersection. It started to sprinkle a little harder, and Nora started fussing a little, so I knew it was time to turn back. Nora started fussing more, and I thought okay, it's pacifier time, let's see here OH MY GOD I FORGOT THE PACIFIERS. Then I really picked up the pace. Milo started fussing too. The babies were hungry. I picked up the pace some more, and actually passed the lame dog dragging the cart this time. Step, step, breathe became step, step, breathe, say "we're almost there kids", step, step, breathe, "look there's the ramp up ahead", step, step, breathe, "you're being so patient." By the time we got home Milo and Nora were not amused. But we made it home, I ran maybe a little faster than I'd intended for my first time out, and Nora even let me stretch for 5 minutes before I fed her. So all was well.

Like a Monkey on Crack

Okay Nora, what the fucking fuck.

I'm worried something is wrong with Nora. She seems to be unable to even put herself to sleep in the crib now, and this is after she's been able to go to sleep by herself in the crib since she was, what, 3 months old? 4 months old? A long time. Milo keeps getting better and better at sleeping. Put him in the crib, awake, leave the room, and he just goes to sleep all by himself. It's like magic. Nora needed the pacifier and did better if she was close to drifting off before I exited the room, but she was still good at going to sleep by herself in the crib.

No more. Not only does she wake constantly, but now she can't even go to sleep! We just had a missed evening nap because she couldn't fall asleep. She wants the pacifier, but as soon as she gets it she tears it out of her mouth. Then yells. Repeat 20 times. She wiggles around like crazy and bangs her feet on the crib mattress over and over again. The other night I heard that from the other room and I thought it was fireworks. No, it was just Nora going to town on the mattress. Seriously, are there drugs in the water? Did I take speed and forget about it? I'm no longer taking any caffeine in my diet, although I doubt that the one soda I allowed myself at lunch every day really mattered. But it's gone, okay Nora, it's gone, and I'm seriously thinking about a glass of wine every night instead. All for you, honey.

She couldn't nap, and I left her in the nursery to grouse and complain, and then went in again, and gave her the pacifier, and she tore it out and smiled to see me, and I left, and she complained, and I went in again, repeat for about half an hour. Finally I went downstairs and said that's it, she can complain and maybe she'll wear herself out and go to sleep. But no, her complaining eventually got louder and turned to actual crying, and as soon as it turned to crying Jake went up and tried to help her go to sleep yet again, and apparently that didn't work as the crying just got louder and louder until he finally gave up and took her out of the room.

Poor Milo wakes up and gives us a cross-eyed look every now and then through all of this racket.

I'm worried Nora is developing some sort of weird neurological abnormality. It's like she's got ADHD without the, uh, AD. She's just got HD. At bedtime. And naptime. She's currently sitting on my lap rubbing her eyes because she's TIRED, duh, and Jake and I are a couple of class-A idiots for letting this get so bad. This kid rules the house and it's not doing her any good.

Avocado!

Okay, probably only a grandmother will find this video interesting. The babies ate their first solid food -- reviews were mixed.

What Would You Think If I Sang Out of Tune

Thanks heavens for friends who hold your babies, change their diapers, play with them, bring Indian food to the house, validate your cranky moods, tell you to give yourself a break, listen to your boring stories about not sleeping, tell their own interesting, funny, and engaging stories about their lives, crack jokes, and generally make life awesome. Holy crap am I lucky to have such a wonderful group of women in my life!

Sleep Statistics Week 1

Every night Nora and Milo are asleep by about 7:30 - 7:45 p.m. Here is how it's been going:

Night 1: 11 wake-ups, the first at 12:36, spread out between both babies. Fed them at 2:30 or so.

Night 2: 5 wake-ups, the first at 1:41, spread out between both babies. Fed them at 2:50. This felt like a good night after Night 1.

Night 3: 6 wake-ups, the first at 10:11, which was a bad sign. All Nora except when Milo woke to eat. Fed them at 2. Nora seemed to have something wrong with her and needed to be held and rocked between about 12:30 and 3 a.m. Jake suspected constipation. I practiced physical relaxation techniques in order to remain calm and accepting. I suspected that taking a shot of vodka (or a Percoset) would have been a more enjoyable technique.

Night 4: 4 wake-ups, the first at midnight. Half Nora and half Milo. Fed them at 3:10 sort of by accident (intended to feed them at 2:30 when Milo woke up but we all fell back asleep until 3:10). This felt like a good night.

Night 5: Was it 4 wake-ups, or 7? I lost count.

Night 6: About a hundred thousand wake-ups. First one before 11 p.m. Both babies woke many, many times; the longest we slept in a row was 90 minutes. Fed Milo at 2 and Nora at 2:20. Worst night since they were born. Was there crack in the water or what?!?

Night 7: 7 wake-ups, the first at 11:46, all Nora except when Milo woke to eat. It felt okay after night 6, especially since each waking was a short one that we corrected with the evil pacifier. Sigh.

I haven't really learned anything yet, other than the fact that there doesn't seem to be any discernible pattern. Nora has a little more trouble than Milo, but I already knew that. Are they teething? Are they having a growth spurt? Is this a phase or are we doomed forever? Will I ever stop being obsessed with sleep?

Good Things

Good Thing #1: Milo rolled over today from his back to his belly for the first time!

Good Thing #2: Professors/Moms group in my division at the university. People have helpful advice to give, an ear to lend, and strategies to dissect. Having kids really does link you in to a whole community of support. Maybe somebody in the group will clue me in about how to get tenure while taking care of two babies. Or, more realistically, how to prepare myself for not getting it.

Good Thing #3: Tuesday neighborhood new moms' group. Actually some aren't new moms, but everybody has a small baby and so far they're fun to hang out with. Most week we meet in the park right outside my house and go on walks or play on the grass.

Good Thing #4: It is finally, finally, finally warming up.

Good Thing #5: My teacher friends are coming this weekend. Nothing makes me happier than a weekend with them.

Good Thing #6: Nora's latest development is that she likes to look at you from across the room, trade smiles, and then start giggling maniacally. Despite the fact that this child never sleeps, she still somehow manages to be a very happy baby.

Anecdote

My secretary's roommate had a baby last week. All went well and the baby was full term and healthy. The mother tried to breastfeed her baby for two days, but the baby never succeeded in latching on, so she switched to formula (provided for free by the hospital) and gave up trying to breastfeed. So that's a scenario where it strikes me that more support for the mother could have made a difference. She didn't have any visits from lactation consultants. She had access to free formula and bottles to make the decision to give up trying to nurse an easier one than it might have been otherwise. She didn't have access to valuable information about the benefits of breastfeeding, both for her and her baby, as well as the economic benefits. (That formula sure is pricey). Also, she didn't have a breastpump, so she had no way to build up her supply while waiting for her baby to figure out the whole latch thing. So those kinds of supports could have really helped her, but she didn't have them.

Nora and Milo couldn't latch at all for the first couple of weeks. They were just too tiny. It took a lot of stubbornness on my part, a very high-quality breastpump, and tons and tons of help and support for me to make the transition to breastfeeding them. It wouldn't have happened without the support, especially one wonderful lactation specialist nurse at the doctor's office. This whole nursing thing is just hard, period. It's hard for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. People just need help making it work, I think. Those who don't are lucky.

Oh, and Milo has now decided he doesn't like nursing. It's like he and Nora have traded places. This whole thing never gets any easier.

What's it Really About?

So, apparently it's news that Similac Organic Formula is made with sugar. Some formulas use corn syrup, but Similac Organic uses sucrose, which is made from cane sugar and is sweeter than what you find in other formulas. Yeah, that's why we chose Earth's Best organic formula instead; it is sweetened with organic lactose instead of corn syrup or cane sugar. The article is kind of dumb -- if you're going to make a decision to buy organic formula, which in our case costs 2.5 times as much as Target-brand formula, then you'd think you would bother to actually read the ingredient list and do some research. Organic formula is ridiculously expensive, so it's worth thinking hard about what you're buying.

The NYT article raises concerns about the sweetness of the formula, suggesting that babies will become accustomed to the overly-sweet taste, which could lead to overeating, rejection of other formulas and foods, childhood obesity, chain smoking, and puppy torturing. Has the reporter ever tasted breast milk? It's sweeter than any formula.

What I found really interesting, though, were all of the readers' comments on the article. There were, of course, the "breast is best" comments, then the "but I couldn't breastfeed" responses, then the "sure you could, you were probably just too lazy and selfish to stick it through, you self-centered cow" responses to the responses. One of my favorites is this one: "One thing we forget is that there is much more to breastfeeding than the milk itself. Breastfeeding is to breastmilk as making a baby the usual way is to in vitro fertilization. Feeding a baby breastmilk in a bottle is just not the same thing as breastfeeding."

Hey, great! I'm glad to know that Nora and Milo are just not the same thing as babies made the usual way. A few months ago, reading all of these comments about how formula is pure evil and parents who use it are abusing their innocent babies would have sent me over the edge. Nobody has tried harder to breastfeed than I have. When Milo and Nora were born, I felt like I had three babies -- my son, my daughter, and my breastpump. I spent about the same amount of time with each. Almost 6 months later I am still pumping around the clock. I have taken Fenugreek and Domperidone to help my lousy supply, I have struggled to keep breastfeeding through nursing strikes, reflux, and mastitis, and I have shed many tears over how much milk I've been able to produce. I'm still breastfeeding, but I'm also still supplementing, and I'm done feeling guilty about that.

But you know what, I've never actually felt guilty about feeding the babies expressed breastmilk in a bottle, for crying out loud. That comment above, aside from its shocking lack of compassion, doesn't actually surprise me much because it seems to speak to the hidden agenda behind some of the politicization of breastfeeding. Of course we can't accept expressed breastmilk fed via a bottle as an acceptable alternative to nursing around the clock, because that alternative frees the mother. Many of the militant pro-breastfeeding comments are closely linked to a need to turn mothers into martyrs. We need to breastfeed because it is best for our babies, and it just happens to also hamper our ability to return to the workplace and maintain economic independence and viability. Why do militant breastfeeding advocates berate individual women who resort to formula (often for a number of very real health and economic reasons that are dismissed by those more fortunate), rather than, say, turning their efforts towards lobbying our government to support women's ability to breastfeed? If you want more nursing mothers, you need to provide paid parental leave to all mothers. You need to legislate access to clean, secure pumping facilities in the workplace. You need to provide free access to lactation consultants. Spreading blame and guilt for not breastfeeding isn't going to be as successful as enacting legislation that would mandate supports to actually help people breastfeed.

I know that my hunch that breastfeeding militancy is linked to our cultural need to oppress and control women might seem paranoid, but think about this: how many of those who push so hard for breastfeeding spend as much energy concerning themselves with what babies and children eat after they start to wean? Breastmilk is the most healthy food for babies, but you know what, breastfeeding and then taking your kid to MacDonald's for the rest of his childhood isn't going to do him any favors. Shouldn't we be just as concerned with the kind of jarred babyfood that we feed to babies? What about the artificial snacks filled with high fructose corn syrup that we give our kids? Just a wild guess here, but I'd say that many of the health and IQ benefits linked to breastfeeding could also be linked to eating a healthy diet of natural whole foods free of pesticides and bovine growth hormones. Where is the outrage over feeding toddlers non-organic milk? Where is the outrage over giving kids sugary cereals? Oh, yeah -- those things are important, sure, but moms can feed their kids healthy foods without having to give up their jobs and provide free boob access 24/7.

(This post was brought to you by the Medela Pump In Style breastpump. I pumped for 25 minutes while typing it and got a measly 2.5 ounces. My babies are eating 6.5 - 8 ounces every feeding. So yeah, I'm glad that formula exists so my babies don't, you know, starve.)

Sleep as a Research Project

Well, when I can't solve a problem I'll do what I know best: take data on it. So I've decided to track what the kids are doing with sleep, starting last night. Last night their first waking was at 12:36 a.m. after going to sleep by 7:45 p.m. They woke 11 times through the night. I got up for 8 of those 11 times, Jake got up the other times. So now tonight I can approach their waking with some element of curiosity. Will they wake more than 11 times or fewer? Will there be a trend up or down?

Tonight, in the quest to begin weaning off the pacifier, we put both babies down to bed awake and without pacifiers. Then we left the room. I thought that'd never work with Nora, but lo and behold she sort of chatted to herself for about 5 minutes and then went to sleep. Milo just went to sleep without any chatting. Neither of them did any crying. I have no reason to believe that this will repeat itself tomorrow.

Even though the babies woke 11 times last night -- and by waking, I mean a wake-up that requires us to get out of bed, i.e. something that has them fussing or crying -- I count the night as a vague success because nobody (i.e. me) lost their temper. Also, nobody (i.e. me) felt the urge to kill her sorrows with, say, a late night gin and tonic. If I'm going to wake up constantly, I figure I have two ways I can deal with it. I can either get frustrated and mad and freak out about it, or I can just accept it and remain calm. Either way I'm awake, but it's probably nicer to be awake and calm than awake and struggling with the urge to throw things and scream.

Sunny Day Photos

Well, they might not sleep but at least they're cute...

A Boring Topic Nobody Cares About

Okay. I totally get why people do Cry It Out with babies. I get it, and if things continue like this, as soon as we feel confident that they're able to make it through the night without having to eat, I bet we'll do it.

Because I can not. take. this. anymore.

The babies' sleeping, which was never terrific, has gone to crap. Last night we put them to bed as usual. Nora needed a pacifier, so we gave her one and she fell asleep. Milo didn't want one, so we put him down and he fell asleep. All was well.

11 p.m., Nora woke. I gave her a pacifier and jiggled her and she went back to sleep. Midnight, Milo woke. Same for him. 12:20, Milo woke. Jake went in, put him back to sleep, slipped back into bed, and before the covers were up Milo started fussing again. I went in there, gave him a pacifier, stood there for 5 or 10 minutes until his arms stopped swiping at his face, inadvertently knocking the pacifier out, waking him up, and making him cry for it. He fell asleep. 12:45, same thing with Milo. He went back to sleep after 5 minutes or so. I went to bed. 1:50, Milo woke up again. He was wide awake and thought it was playtime. He was talking and cooing and so loud that it woke Nora up.

At which point Jake came in and said "I guess we should feed them" and I screamed "IF WE FEED THEM NOW NORA WILL WAKE UP AT 5:30 IN THE MORNING AND I CANNOT HANDLE THAT!" Milo screamed. Nora slept. I gave up and fed Milo, changed him, put him down, he went back to sleep. It's now 2:45. Nora woke. I fed Nora, changed her, put her down with a pacifier, she went to sleep at 3:30. I went to sleep at 3:30.

Nora was up for good at 5:30 a.m.

This morning, I put them down for their naps, and right after half an hour like clockwork, Nora woke up. I thought, this is insane, she can't have this little sleep. She needs more than half an hour nap, she was up at 5:30! I went in, gave her a pacifier, jiggled her, she was wide awake. I picked her up (which I rarely do during sleep/nap time), and rocked her until she fell asleep because I really, really wanted her to have more than half an hour nap. I put her back in the crib. She woke up from the transition. She smiled. She loves to wake up and see me there, she wants it to be play time, not sleep time. I am now typing this while she's fussing in the crib because I am just so pissed off that she won't fucking sleep.

There. I said it. I'm mad at the babies because they won't sleep. They need sleep. We need sleep. NOBODY IS SLEEPING AND THEY ARE 5 MONTHS OLD ALREADY AND WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END OH MY GOD I AM GOING INSANE.

And this wasn't even the worst night. These days, it was an average night.

I see many problems here. One is the pacifier. If we keep giving them a pacifier to get them back to sleep, then of course when they wake up they're going to cry for a pacifier, at least Nora. I watch Milo put himself back to sleep without a pacifier all the time, so I don't know WHAT Milo's deal is when he wakes. Another problem is obvious. When they wake up, they get to see us, and they're delighted. They smile at us and coo and they're basically rewarded for waking up and making noise. So what is the incentive to stay asleep when instead they could get mama or daddy jiggling them, or patting them, or giving them a pacifier, or picking them up? What's the solution? Pantly's stupid "pick up put down" thing doesn't work, they don't even need to be picked up most of the time. I guess one thing is to teach Nora to go to sleep without a pacifier. That doesn't solve Milo's problems. Neither of them sleep well in bed with us, they're restless as hell that way, and I can't accept the idea of safe co-sleeping with twins all in one bed anyway. I can't think of anything else to do. They wake all the time, and I'm out of ideas. So that is why people do the cry it out method. Because nothing else works! Nothing is working.

I Wouldn't Want to Clean That Up

It can be impossible to maintain an argument with Jake because he's always coming up with comments that make me bust out laughing, despite my best intentions. And then it's hard to stay mad when you're cracking up. Like last night:

A: If I weren't the one being responsible around here and making sure that everything was taken care of, things would just go to hell!

J: People would start crapping in the sinks...

WTF?!? It's Jake's bizarre sense of humor that is going to allow us to survive this year.