Who Needs Sleep?

I get so tired in the afternoons that sometimes I literally can't stay awake. Yesterday I fell asleep in a chair in the living room with the kids right there harassing me, the music on, Jake clattering in the kitchen...I'd wake up for a second when somebody poked me or spoke into my face, and then I'd fall asleep for a few seconds.

Today I felt the same way. I put my head down for a nap but 2 minutes later Nora woke up and started crying. I had to get up but I was so tired I almost couldn't make myself do it. I felt like it was a monumental effort to keep my eyes open.

And yet here it is a 12:30 a.m. and I am still awake. I just spent an hour awake in bed. Why can't I fall asleep now when I could not stay awake this afternoon? It's so dumb, it feels perverse.

I feel like this sleep problem is kind of ruining my life, and if I have to get up early every morning (which I do) and mostly cannot nap in the afternoon (which I can't) there is no solution in sight. I actually went to my doctor with this set of concerns to see if there was something she could do. She prescribed some Ambien for me but only gave me 10 pills and no refills. I thought it would be some sort of super-powerful miracle drug but it only worked about as much as Benadryl works for me. My doctor seems to be far less concerned about my weighty woes than me, so maybe I should get a new one. Hard to say.

Anyway, I'm glad I was awake tonight because I heard Milo the minute he began to wimper, and I was able to comfort him and rub his back in the crib before he fully woke up and began to freak out about the fact that he doesn't have a pacifier. Milo is having a harder time giving up his pacifier. So far he hasn't been able to go to sleep yet by himself without it. Instead I have been holding him or rocking him to sleep. Which probably isn't a great habit but I don't want to just let him cry. I feel like it is hard enough and cruel enough as it is to take away such an important comfort object. He is, rightly so, mourning the loss of something hugely important to him. The least we can do is comfort him through that during the night.

Nora's having an easier time. She had a few tears in the beginning, but not too many, and now it's more an issue that without the pacifier she remains keyed up longer than usual. She isn't upset or crying about it, but she's kind of hyper and is having a harder time calming down and getting sleepy without it. And she is having a hard time going back to sleep when she wakes in the middle of the night. These are all expected and predictable consequences of taking away pacifiers, I suppose.

So, needless to say, we haven't been sleeping very much since operation ditch pacifier occurred. When I am in bed I often think I am hearing the kids crying even though they're not. It's like these faint auditory hallucinations. Sometimes I'll be sort of drifting off and then I'll think I'm hearing somebody cry. So I'll instantly become wide awake, listening for it. And I feel like I can hear it faintly, even though I know that nobody is actually crying. (Because when they do cry, it isn't faint. It's loud, and very real.) But even though I know it isn't real, I can still hear it, and it kind of drives me nuts and makes me anxious.

Hmm, and I wonder why I can't sleep!

It's Hard to be Little

Operation ditch pacifiers happened today. It's gone about as one might expect. To date, nobody has yet managed to fall asleep without a pacifier.

The kids were okay with the idea of giving away their pacifiers until nap/bedtime. Then it has been most definitely not okay.

Random (Okay, Arbitrary) Stuff

Let me just whine for a moment and say that I have been sick for almost a month now. What the heck is wrong with me?!? The kids have long been better, but I have bronchitis and now another cold attacked me before I even had a chance to stop coughing from the first one. I used to have the BEST immune system. I think my first 4 years here I never got sick even once! Now I keep thinking, if I could only just sleep for a couple of days, maybe I could start to get better...

Also, I am on a seriously tight schedule this summer, and need to get stuff OUT. THE. DOOR. I cannot afford to be sick and have my pace slow down like this, but sure enough I've been slower than molasses lately because I'm so out of it all the time. NOT ACCEPTABLE!

Oh, and I can't run for shit with this cough, either. So bleach. And I'm letting all kinds of things slide. I haven't even written birthday thank-you notes yet! (But I totally will this weekend! I promise!)

Okaaaaay. Whining over.

I am really enjoying the kids lately. Milo especially has sort of blossomed lately in a way that's hard to describe, but it's sort of like he's developed some empathy or something. He also has his nice way of conversing these days. "Is this too loud, Mommy?" he'll ask, blowing on his recorder. If I say it is, he'll be quieter.

Actually Nora has picked up some of Milo's habits too. That's one of the nice things about twins. They do learn from each other all the time. So for instance, tonight at dinner Nora said, "What are you talking about, Mommy and Daddy?" Her use of our names like that comes straight from Milo, and I find it so charming. (We were talking about money).

The kids have also developed, sort of, the ability to make jokes. For instance, when we tuck them in for the night we tell them goodnight and then tell them that we love them. They used to both say back, "Goodnight Mommy and Daddy! I love you Mommy! I love you Daddy!" Then the other night, Milo randomly said, "I love you Mommy and Grandpa!" Jake was all, "Hey!" and the kids cracked up, thinking this was the funniest joke ever. Of course they have now done it every night since then, and crack up every time.

Oh, and Milo can totally write an "M" now. He practiced all evening yesterday and all morning this morning, and he can do a really nice M! It is awesome how pleased he is over it.

Work is fairly productive, and I like that. It is great to have big swaths of time to just write and write. I am trying to do a good job of protecting my time and not saying yes to too many b.s. meetings throughout the summer (none of which I am paid to do). So far so good. I was just invited to become part of a working group and attached conference in September. The working group is in a growing area of research (in which I am situated) and will lead to collaborations and projects and papers and such, so it is good for me. The bad part is, the conference attached to it is at the same time as a wedding/reunion trip I have been looking forward to for months. This trip would have been my only real time off all year, time to myself to have a mini vacation, see friends, etc.

However, working conference has a plenary speaker who is Potential Letter Writer Guy (PLWG). PLWG is really famous and would be a good person to write one of my letters because he invented the area of research in which I do my work. However, he's known for being critical, for instance, he once wrote a bad letter for a colleague and that guy did not get tenure as a result. (Happy ending story, he got tenure the 2nd time around on appeal). So PLWG is a tricky case, and I don't want to have him write a letter if he will say bad stuff about me (duh). So going to the conference, shmoozing with PLWG, exchanging ideas, etc. would totally give me some hints as to whether he thinks I am good and would write a good letter, or if he thinks I suck. Also, collaborating with PLWG in the future would be totes awesome for my career.

Anyway I was bummed about the conflict but I emailed the organizer and he said I could leave the conference early to attend the wedding, so I think I will be able to do both. AND the conference organizer wrote back to me and he said, "By the way, I wanted to let you know that PLWG urged me to put you on the team!" And I was all, OMG! Maybe he doesn't think I suck! Woo hoo!

Yeah. Gotta thrive on the little things.

Finally, I think that it is not only hard for the kids to have Jake at work. I think it is hard for me too. It was much nicer having him around all the time. I got spoiled, I guess...

But on the other hand, having Jake working means a better savings plan for the kids' college. Harvard, here we come!

Changes

Milo and Nora were laughing and joking around in their cribs this morning, so he seems to be feeling better today. Our plan was to get rid of their pacifiers this weekend, and I was kind of wavering since Milo has gone through so many changes already. But Jake said, "there will always be a reason not to do it, we just have to bite the bullet and do it!" so that's what we're doing. I don't expect we'll be sleeping much for a while.

This morning the kids went swimming in the lake with Buddy, their friend Millie from down the street, and Millie's nanny. They had a blast. This afternoon I took them to the splash park. It was an awesome day for it -- 90 degrees out, so you never get cold no matter how much you splash in the fountains. Nora was cautious, only allowing herself to get a little wet and then drying herself off with a towel every 5 minutes. Milo, however, was in heaven. He was running around with a huge grin on his face, jumping for joy, running straight through the biggest fountains of water, getting totally soaked, and loving every minute of it. What a classic summer afternoon.

The kids eat at the table now, so their trays are gone and there is more room in the dining room. Each step like this feels like we are grabbing a piece of our life back. I really don't like clutter. We have a small house, and we cannot have too much clutter or stuff taking up room. I am ruthless about getting rid of things. It drives me nuts to have piles of stuff all over the place, so I am constantly straightening up. One thing that was annoying about having babies in the house was all of the stuff they came with. Bouncy seats, swings, then an exersaucer, a doorway bouncing swing, all essential and necessary things but they took up a ton of space. One by one they disappeared as the kids got older, and we're finally getting our house back. Toys don't bother me because they can be put away each night, and these lucky kids even have their own play room, but it's nice to no longer trip over the exersaucer when I'm walking to the kitchen.

And time marches forward. Now we just have to get these kids potty trained (I won't miss diapers) and then, maybe when they turn 3, get them into real beds. It's a little bittersweet to see the vestiges of babyhood disappear one by one, I'll admit, but I try to focus more on the sweet than the bitter.

Milo

Milo is really struggling with having Jake at work full time now. He often cries in the morning for Daddy, and just seems to feel more insecure and clingy in general. Tonight I left to go to a baby shower, and Milo was pretty inconsolable at my leaving, even though Daddy was right there. Things are scaring him or upsetting him at night, and in the morning or during nap he has been waking up crying because various things scare him. I have removed two pieces of art from the nursery because in each case he said it was scaring him.

One hard thing is that I cannot console Milo without a lot of drama from Nora. This morning Milo was sad about Jake being gone, and he wanted me to hold him. Predictably, the very minute I started holding him Nora started yelling and crying obnoxiously in a fit of jealousy. It drives her nuts when I hold Milo.

Poor Milo. I don't really know how to help him. For his entire life Daddy has been around almost all of the time, and now Daddy is gone all day long for 5 days a week. It is a big change.

I know! I know!

I have got to watch my language better!

Tonight I was really irritated and angry for reasons that aren't really important. I was taking a bunch of things out the door to put into the car to give away, and I tripped over stuff on the stairs and fell down the stairs and ripped off my toenail. I was furious and Jake said "Are you okay?" and I yelled, "NO I AM NOT OKAY I JUST TRIPPED OVER ALL OF THIS SHIT LYING AROUND!"

10 seconds later, Milo has his Mr. Potato Head out and is figuring out what to put on it. Nora says, "Do you need to put some shit on there, Milo?"

Sweet Milo

I have a cough that just won't quit. Tonight I was coughing and Milo said, Are you okay Mommy? Do you want a drink of water? Mommy do you need a tissue? Would you like some music, Mommy? (Turned on one of his music toys). Mommy, do you need to go to sleep? Would you like a nap, Mommy?

He's so sweet.

The Camera Is Not My Friend!

So the rough cut of the video for which I filmed commentary is up, and boy do I look bad! Holy crap! The first thing I thought when looking at it was, hmmm, maybe I should re-think this whole eschewing make-up thing. The lighting was so bright that I looked very washed out. Also, the camera angle was bad and sort of looks up at me, making me appear to have a pig nose and no chin. So, based on this mildly humiliating venture, I have learned some tips for what to do if you have to appear on camera:

1) Don't get up at 4 a.m. the day that you're going to be filmed

2) If you are deathly pale from months of being holed up in your office desperately trying to write articles, don't wear a cream-colored jacket. Wear blue.

3) Consider make up, you dirty hippy.

4) Look slightly down when talking, not up. Don't expose your neck, this isn't a nightclub. Look down. That way you'll have a chin.

5) Remember that time when somebody once asked you if you had a thyroid condition because you like to bug your eyes out so much? Think that's a good look? Think again, sister.

I was re-hashing these handy tips with Jake and he said, skeptically, "would you even know how to put on makeup?" Okaaaay....no. Maybe I'm in bigger trouble than I thought.

Birthdays

The problem with birthdays as an adult is that if you want to do something fun or special on your birthday, you have to plan it out. But if you're really busy working, and then busy dealing with the kids the very minute you step through the door, and if you're always 5 steps behind when it comes to shopping and cleaning and cooking and weeding (which I am), then planning something fun just becomes another chore. A chore I'm too busy and tired to deal with, so, forget it.

So, for my birthday, I got to sleep in, which was really nice. The rest of my day was filled with grocery shopping, list planning, diaper changing, cooking dinner, cleaning, dispute mediation, and all of the other crappy drudgery that fills a weekend day, that day when I'm trying to get all of the stuff done I was too exhausted to do during the week. When I'm done writing this I have to work, coding 3 videos that are due on Monday, because I ran out of time during the week to get it done.

I think my life is a major example of why people should not have their kids in their thirties. You just don't have the energy anymore.

Anyway, that was that. I hit a low point at lunch time when I realized that the leftover pasta I was planning on eating for lunch was gone. Somebody else, I won't say who, had eaten it. There was nothing else in the house to eat, despite the fact that I must have stopped by Trader Joe's about 800 times on the way home from work this past week alone. So I grabbed my debit card and headed to the corner store to get a sandwich. I rounded up some items, the cashier ran them up, and then I found out that my card had expired 3 days ago and I had no cash on me. That was the low point, but things always turn around. We had a really nice afternoon lounging outside at the (kiddie) pool, sitting under the tree and dipping our feet in the water as the kids played and splashed. We could hear people in the park across the street tuning their guitars, because this evening the neighborhood held a music festival in the park. It's still going on and I'm listening to the music right now. We're a little slice of Americana right here, folks.

Birthdays in childhood often involved swimming at the lake, or in the pool, maybe a party, but always my favorite dinner (tuna noodle casserole), cake, and presents after dinner. Presents after dinner is actually a pretty great tradition to have for a birthday because it lends an air of excitement and anticipation to the entire day.

Things change as you get older, of course, but because it was a hot midwestern day today, I am remembering another hot midwestern birthday that is etched in my memory as one of the best. It was the year I turned 20. I was living in an apartment with 3 guys and they made a huge deal out of my birthday. My boyfriend at the time did this 7-day lead up in which I got presents every day for a week before my birthday. One the day of, they took me on a surprise trip, which turned out to be to a lake in Illinois. We were living in St. Louis and had to drive all the way to Illinois to find a lake for swimming, because there aren't any lakes in St. Louis. It was seriously like an hour or two away, but because swimming in the lake was one of my favorite things to do, that's what we did all day long.


There they are, along with a random kid who played with us that day, making sand castles and swimming and hanging out. I think my friends were trying to build the St. Louis Arch out of sand there. It was one of those quintessential summer days, in which you lounge around, swim, float on floaties, eat popsicles, and just exist in the moment of the awesomeness that is summer.

When we got back home my friends made tuna noodle casserole for me, which might be the last time I had that particular dish on my birthday. (Tastes change, but I'll always have a soft spot for it). Also, I remember that I got two cakes. The men made me one cake, and a friend of mine who was working at Baskin Robbins that summer also brought me an ice cream cake. She and a few other friends showed up and we ate tuna noodle casserole and two kinds of cake.

How awesome is that? My friend is shirtless because we lived on the 3rd floor in an apartment with no air conditioning in St. Louis in JULY, so it was probably about 110 degrees in there. With 98% humidity. I have all these other pictures of us playing games and being goofy that night in which everybody is minimally dressed and drenched in sweat, which didn't exactly bother us a lot because we were so used to it. That's just summer.

Later we drove over to my friend's house, probably because there was air conditioning there, and on the highway we had the windows down and the radio up and I remember sticking my hand out the window and feeling the wind rushing against it. That song was on the radio, the one that goes "No sugar tonight in my coffee, no sugar tonight in my tea. No sugar to stand beside me, no sugar to run with me." To this day that song reminds me of that night, and summer, and good friends, and being young, and the feeling that you are going to stay young forever.

I don't feel that way anymore, but on the bright side, I've got this:

Dinnertime Complaints

I need an orange bowl!

I don't want a lid on my cup!

I don't want that spoon! I need a blue spoon!

There's a squirrel outside! He's bothering me!

AAAAAAAHHHHH! My fingers are sticky! Wipe them off! Wipe them off!

There's a bug on the ceiling! Get it!

I don't want that!

There's a crumb on my bread! Get it off!

Aaaaaaa! I can't stab the noodle! Aaaaaaa! (Complete with tears)

I want a lid on my cup!

No! Take that lid off! I don't want a lid!

The sun is in my eyes! Make it go away!

I want to see your drink!

No! I don't want that! (We dared offer food)

I need a pink fork! Not a purple fork!

I need more milk!

He's looking at me!

Stop laughing! No laughing!

And that was just the first minute. We had another half hour to go. And you wonder why Mommy and Daddy drink...

I Don't Love You, Mommy

For the past 6 weeks before Jake started his job, he spent a lot of time with the kids. I worked 5 days a week and Jake watched the kids whenever Buddy wasn't here.

Now he's at work every day, which Nora hasn't really noticed, but Milo has and he can't understand it. Today I stayed home with the kids, which in Milo's mind means the weekend, so where is Daddy? He has been asking about Daddy a lot, and was pretty teary and sad this morning over Daddy being at work. We practiced what he'll say to Daddy when he comes home at 5. We also looked at a picture of Daddy to help him feel better. It's where he can always find it, so he can look at it whenever he needs to. That did seem to help a little. So did going to a big park and playing outside for a couple of hours, and walking to Trader Joe's to get dinner ingredients, and blowing bubbles and playing in the sand. Those things helped a lot.

Today before his nap Milo informed me that he doesn't love me. He loves Daddy. He made sure to say it several times so that I really got the message. I am definitely a poor substitute for Daddy (despite that fact that it's me who actually takes him places, and changes his diaper as soon as it gets wet, and gives him creative options for lunch, and refills his bubbles).

Whatever, kid. I know you love Daddy best but you're gonna have to deal with me now.

Of course once Daddy came home and gave the kids a bath, Milo proceeded to scream bloody murder and demand that I hold him, not Daddy. Who do you love now, huh?

I Am Tired But My Kids Are Not

I am finishing up revisions on a paper and it has taken me a whole month. Today I re-wrote the discussion section and it was so hard...like pulling teeth. I've been doing academic writing for many years now but there are some days when it is still very gut-wrenchingly difficult. Hopefully this means I am articulating something new and important, but it could just mean that writing is hard for me, and always will be.

I am very tired, and having a hard time recovering from an illness which keeps hanging on and hanging on. In a couple of minutes I have to go back to work for the evening. I am tired. Did I say that already? There is no time to get burned out because I still have to keep working at full throttle for the next year. This is the last 6 miles of the marathon.

I just gave Milo a nasal aspirator to hold in his crib and told him that it was a dragonfly eliminator. He was upset because he thought there were dragonflies in the room. It seems to have worked...he is quiet now.

Meanwhile Nora is chattering away in her pack 'n play in our bedroom and doesn't seem close to going to sleep. She has taken a fancy to a doll, which she has named Sally, and Sally is in the pack 'n play with Nora. She is talking to Sally, saying "I'm going to change your diaper now. Ooooo! I'm going to put it on you!"

Summer Time

It's nice and hot here, but not too hot. In that second-to-last picture is my friend in a long-sleeved shirt and jeans, even though it was like 85 degrees out. She's from Florida and thought it was kind of cool here! As far as I'm concerned, it's just right.

The in-laws were here this weekend too. When they left Milo got kind of upset. He teared up and said that he was sad. He said, "I need Grandpa!" Then he thought for a moment and added, "And Grandma, too."

Jake starts his job tomorrow. Because of his early start time, I will have to be the one to get up and get the kids ready every day of the week. I am really not psyched about that. But, on the other hand, 2 incomes. Time to break out the caviar and champagne, or whatever it is that people who have money do. Or we would, if our basement hadn't flooded, our freezer wasn't refusing to stay shut, and our windows weren't rotting.

I am behind on work deadlines, and feeling like I shouldn't have taken that trip last week.

Rich Kids

Jake and I watched a documentary the other night about rich kids. This Johnson & Johnson heir decided to make a film about all of his other heir and heiress friends, to talk about what it is like to grow up so rich, with money so old, that in some cases their parents and their grandparents have never worked. So nobody in the family even understands what it means to have a career.

The guy making the film asked his dad what he should do for a career. I got the impression that the dad painted, but has never worked a day in his life. The dad suggested that he begin working on a collection, perhaps of old maps. It was so bizarre that the dad was so out of touch with reality that he thought that collecting things counts as a career.

Now to make a totally gross generalization, it seemed to me that the older the money, the dumber the person. So if the person's money was so old that his parents had never worked and his grandparents had never worked and his great-grandparents had never worked because they all lived off the fortune of the great-great-grandfather, the person just seemed so out of it. Whereas there were a couple of people in the film whose parents had actually made their fortune, and these people seemed to be the sharpest and most with-it of the group.

One guy talked about how it is important for him to be involved in bettering himself, being actively engaged in the world rather than just passively consuming. He gave, as an example, the fact that he goes to the tailor and spends hours with the tailor making sure that his suit is just right. That was his example of being active.

It was funny to hear people say things like, "If I were to date somebody, I don't know if I'd bring them to my houses." Just the way they throw around houses, plural, the way that most of us talk about our house, singular.

The heirs and heiresses keep within their own circle for friendships and dating. Which probably makes sense in a way. I imagine it would get messy trying to be involved with a non-heir. How would you know they weren't just a gold digger?

People with wealthy inheritances fascinate me in some weird trainwreck way. This is probably because I used to teach at a school that had a number of kids like that, and a lot of other kids were rich too, even though it was new money. These families tended to treat teachers like servants and I didn't respect their values. I have some old fashioned values about the importance of work, probably.

If I had unlimited money I think I would still work. Jake always says that he wouldn't but I'm not sure about that because he also has this weird man thing going on about how he's supposed to have a career and all. (After all, he could not work now if he wanted, but he starts work on Monday). I think one big difference is that I'd have more kids. I mean, I guess it's kinda late for that, but if I had a ton of money I'd probably have like 4 or 5 kids total, and just get a bigger house for all of them and hire the help that we'd need to take care of them. Big families seem like a lot of fun.

How Much Do I Owe Jake for This?

OMG I am never going anywhere with the kids ever again.

I noticed, on the plane ride to Portland, that Nora had what felt like a really high fever. She was burning up and of course my baby Tylenol was packed in my suitcase because the bottle is 4 ounces. She was exhausted and kept drifting off to sleep only to wake again immediately and cry as if in a lot of pain, so she couldn't get any rest. She kept pointing down her mouth and asking me to take the hurt out of it. I thought she was teething but later realized (as I suffer from this now) that she must have had a wicked sore throat.

As soon as we strapped Milo into the rental car, he threw up all over everything. He threw up 3 more times that night (yes, we are THOSE house guests). Neither kid ate hardly anything the whole time we were on "vacation", which meant they were also crabby and hungry in addition to being sick and exhausted. Poor, poor kids. Nora fared pretty well and seemed just about fine the next day, but Milo suffered throughout. Then on our last night both kids progressed to the stuffed up and coughing stage of the illness, which meant they woke about 800 times throughout the night and pretty much nobody got any sleep at all.

Given the incredible sleep deprivation and the stuffy noses and popping ears, the kids were real troupers for the flights home today and didn't really lose it until pretty much the end of the trip. They did the best they could and I could tell they were suffering.

It was freezing for our entire time in Portland (which provided a visceral reminder of how I could never move back to the pacific northwest). So it was nice to return this afternoon to a real summer day, hot and humid. We had put the air conditioning on before we left for the cats, and we remarked on how glad we were that we did that, given how hot it was.

Except...the pump that pumps out the water from the AC failed, and the basement flooded. Who knows when this happened. As long as 5 days ago? The person feeding our cats was a neighborhood teen who probably wasn't with it enough to realize that the squooshy wetness in the carpet wasn't supposed to be there. I saw that the power had failed, which would have caused the pump to stop. I hope that was the problem. Anyway, we need to get rid of the carpet. And figure out what new flooring to install on the basement floor that won't get ruined when we have water. This trip ended up costing us a whole lot more than I'd anticipated.

Predictably I am sick now, but whatever. I am an adult and can handle it, but I do feel bad for dragging the kids all around tarnation when they felt so lousy.

The reason we went was to see family, and that was really nice. We ended up canceling a side trip to Seattle and it gave us unexpected extra time with our beloved cousins and their kids, and I loved that too. Nora took a real shine to one of my cousins and even today was asking about her and wondering when she'd see her again. I wish I lived closer to everybody, or more accurately, I wish everybody lived closer to me. Still, no more big trips until 2012; maybe at 4.5 they'll have an easier time. At least 4.5 year olds no longer need naps, right?

B is for Bubble

If Milo has a favorite thing right now, it'd be the iPad. He's going to be such a gamer. That and the color orange, I guess. This morning in the car Milo was going on about something or somebody he didn't like, I don't remember, he's in an "I don't like" phase right now. I asked, who do you like, Milo? Milo said, "Orange." Orange? "I like the color orange." Well okay then.

Nora: I don't like orange. I like yellow! (Except she calls it "lellow").

If Nora has a favorite thing right now, it's definitely bubbles. Blowing bubbles. All bubbles, all the time. She's totally into bubbles. Which is a little interesting considering I used to be kind of afraid of bubbles.

Here's Nora holding her bubbles. She won't let go of that thing. Look at those curls! Now that it's humid her hair has sprung into crazy curls all over the place. Look at that cute little face! The look of menacing intent! Are you afraid? Because you should be.

Milo blows the bubbles. See that tuft of hair on the back of his head? It's so cute, but I'm thinking it's getting kind of over the top and maybe I should cut it off. I haven't cut Milo's hair yet at all. His hair has grown into a natural mohawk so now everybody who sees him says "Oh, he's got a mohawk!" It's starting to look like we did it on purpose. I don't want to be seen as the lame parent who would give her toddler a mohawk.

Why can't you kids stand in a more scenic location when you're blowing bubbles? Sheesh!

Look how serious Jake looks here. He is so aristocratic. Those sideburns! Those Euro glasses! That cleft chin! The razor-edged nose! It is a pleasure to gaze upon him. I need to do extra gazing in the next couple of weeks while we've still got him at home.

Nora says, yes, I'm totally exhausted, probably because I never go to bed on time and instead I throw giant toddler parties every night with Milo instead of falling asleep. Plus, I like to crap my pants precisely 1.5 hours into any nap I ever take. But no matter how exhausted I might be, I am not going to stop blowing bubbles. I don't care if it's dinner time. If you try to make me go in and stop blowing bubbles, there will be hell. to. pay.

Milo says, enough with this bubble stuff, let's go play ball!

And Another One Moves On

My doctoral student successfully defended his dissertation today! Woo hoo!

Today I asked for a raise. I framed it partly as an equity issue because a new faculty member in my area is joining us this fall at a salary 5K more than what I'm making. (This phenomenon is called compression).

I learned many interesting things about money in this meeting with my department chair. In particular, there are several different pots of money that a dept. chair here can use to get a person a raise: a) equity pot, b) compression pot, c) promotion pot, d) high demand pot, e) retention pot.

The equity pot? Empty. Has been for a few years. No money in the equity pot, which means no raises to address salary inequities. This is confusing to me because you'd think such a thing would be actionable, but whatever.

The compression pot seems like it should apply to me, but it is only for full professors at certain points in their careers. The department doesn't get to choose who to put up for a compression raise. There's some sort of formula.

The promotion pot refers to the raises you get when you get tenure and full. Obviously I want to try to get a raise before I go up for tenure, so that my tenure raise will happen on top of the other raise.

The high demand pot is for faculty who are deemed high demand faculty. These are people in high need areas who are productive and successful and tend to get wooed away to other schools. Departments in our college fight each other over this money. The dean has the final say and the typical raise she tends to give from this pot is 3K, which is quite small in my opinion.

The retention pot gets activated when you get an outside job offer from another university. Then they will try to retain a faculty member by giving him or her a raise and other perks. Often this raise is not quite as good as actually matching the other university's salary offer. Because we're lame that way, and we don't have any money.

My department chair offered to go after the high demand pot to get me a raise. She wants to avoid having me go on the market and get another offer, for obvious reasons. She said that I am a good candidate for the high demand raise, so she will put my name forward with the dean and advocate for a higher-than-usual raise because I could be making so much more at a different institution. Ultimately the final decision will be up to the dean in terms of whether to offer a raise, and how much, and the dean's decision will determine whether I go on the market. Meanwhile, though, I'm glad I asked!

Here are some family pictures after I got home today, looking a bit wilted after a day of work and walking 3 miles in the heat and humidity. It is so humid today that I'm surprised it's not actually raining right now! Hence we all look a little wet, but I don't mind. I like this weather.

Bullets of Money and Shirtlessness

• It's a great time to refinance. We just refinanced our mortgage in order to lock in a 4.5% interest rate, which is, like, crazy low. We decided to shift from our 30-year fixed to a 20-year fixed, which basically keeps our monthly payments the same but knocks 5 years off our mortgage. Not bad.
• The only down side is that this probably won't have been worth it if we turn around and sell the house in a year or two. (You know. If I don't get tenure. Or if I go on the job market and decide to take a different job.) On the bright side, if that happens, I'm not particularly worried about selling our house. So many people want to buy in our neighborhood that we regularly get emails on our listserve from families asking if anybody is thinking of selling their house.
• In mildly related financial news, this morning they reported on the radio that the university system president commissioned a study to compare salaries at our universities to other institutions in this region of the country. Not surprisingly they found that we lag behind everybody else. This is true for both faculty and staff. For instance, full professors' salaries lag by 13% - 20%. It would be nice if this study and its publication ended up making a difference somehow. But given our higher-ed unfriendly state legislature, I doubt it'll matter.
• The first thing Milo says to me when I come home now is, "Shall we do the iPad?"
• This morning Nora declared, "I'm quite funny!"
• Tonight both kids thought it was hilarious to take their shirts off and run around the house shirtless. Such simple things bring so much joy.

Milo Isn't Interested

Interesting comments in reaction to this NYT blog post about a kid who is almost 4 and still in diapers. It's funny to me how this sort of made-up notion about "readiness", which wasn't actually based on any research, ended up becoming the mantra of potty training. So now kids train about a year later than they did a couple of generations ago. If there was something truly biological about this readiness stuff, then you'd probably see kids training at about the same age across history and cultures. That's not the case, however, and kids these days are potty training later than ever before. My guess is that disposable diapers and pull ups might have something to do with that.

At the same time, Milo and Nora aren't potty trained yet. They're sort of behind in comparison to their peers around the neighborhood. They play with a number of different friends their age who are now potty trained. A couple of their friends trained before 2. But at 2.5, Milo and Nora aren't even close. It bothers me a little bit to know that they're behind, especially because it would be nice to stop washing diapers. But, they've never exactly been at the top of the curve when it comes to physical developments like sitting, crawling, or walking. So I suppose potty training late sort of fits in with that trend. They weigh as much as babies 1 year younger than them, so sometimes I wonder if their size is related to being on a slightly slower-paced curve.

And I can kind of see why parents don't push it because man, what a pain. I haven't done anything to try to train them yet. We've been sitting them on the potty since they were much younger, but that's about as far as we've taken it. We haven't done that classic "ditch the diapers and potty train in a weekend" thing or anything like that. Because why? To be honest, I'm lazy, I guess, and procrastinating it. Also, it's weather related. I figure I want to do it when it's hot, so that means summer. So that they can be in as little clothing as possible, or naked.

I guess I'll probably do something about it later this summer, and give it a try in August before school starts. If they take to it, great, if not, then we'll wait. I don't think that encouraging kids to use the potty is "pushing". Pushing isn't the same as encouraging, and frankly I can understand the draw of diapers from a toddler's point of view. Milo especially does not want to stop his playing and have to think about the potty. But training will be good for their little bottoms, which still occasionally get sore and red. And I do not believe in waiting until a toddler necessarily decides that he or she is ready and eager to do something new. If I followed that philosophy, then the kids would still be using bottles and still be eating baby food. So obviously they need a little structure and guidance from us.

Anyway, today I was in Target and I bought some training pants for the kids for later this summer if we decide to give the whole thing a good old college try. Jake was putting them away and he remarked to Milo "Oh, it looks like Mommy got some training pants." Milo immediately said "I don't want those. I want diapers." Okay then! Hard to get a clearer message than that!

Daddy Stay Home!

This morning Nora said "Mommy's staying home today." I told her that I had to go to work, but I'd be back in the evening. Then she switched tactic. "Daddy is staying home today." Milo agreed, stating firmly "Daddy stays home."

Nora: Yay! Daddy's staying home.
Milo: Daddy's staying home. Daddy, stay home!
Jake: Buddy's coming, but I'm staying home too.
Milo: Hooray! Daddy's staying home.

These kids are so accustomed to Jake being there all the time. They're going to be in for one nasty surprise when Jake starts a full-time job at the end of June. (I have a feeling we all are).

When the family left on Saturday, I was sad. And so I took a nap. In my own bed. For as long as I wanted.

The end. That should be the end of the story, because that is all that really matters, isn't it? You don't nap with small children. Maybe you can catch a few winks after they're down, once you eat your lunch, clean up the dishes, get the laundry going, and water the plants. Then you might sink onto the sofa in exhaustion, never your own bed, because one of the kids is napping in there, and as soon as you start to drift off, they're up. And you regret it.

So I took a nap, in my own bed, and I woke up when I was ready. And then I cleaned the house. And then I had 3 days of a clean house. Clean floors. No crumbs ground into the floor, no milk splatters, no sauces dribbled on walls, no toys strewn about. No diapers to empty out into the toilet, so I had clean, pristine, toilets. Clean kitchen counters. A clean bedroom.

I slept. I woke when I wanted to. When I woke, I looked at my email, got dressed, and went for a run. When I wanted to. When I got back, I was able to stretch and lift weights for as long as I wanted. Then I actually took a shower right away, instead of 2-3 hours later. I went out at night. I sat with friends at the terrace and looked at the boats on the lake and listened to the music in the humid, summer air. And I stayed as long as I wanted to. I did not look at my watch, or worry about when I had to get home. I knew I'd be able to sleep in the next morning.

I worked. At home. In silence. I worked for as long as I wanted to, and only stopped when I was done. I made myself meals, and my cooking was not rushed. I took as long as I wanted. I ate when it was ready, instead of at 6 p.m. on the dot. And when I sat down to eat, I remained sitting the entire time. I did not once get up to get milk, water, extra bread, paper towels, fruit, or anything else. I just sat and ate my meal. And when I cleaned up, it only took a few minutes.

Once upon a time I lived in this house by myself. I am trying to remember...what did I do with all of my time?

A few nights ago we watched a movie about a French family whose mother / grandmother owned the family estate. Each summer the three children and their spouses and children gathered at the estate, and they played in the pond and ate outside on the patio and laughed and argued and it was loud and chaotic. And the old mother, whose husband was dead, loved being surrounded by her family.

And then they all left, one by one. They packed up their cars and drove away, and the mother waved goodbye, and then they are all gone. And dusk arrived, and she slowly walked back up the drive to her big, big house, where she was all alone. And she sat in her kitchen, the room growing dark, the sound of the clock ticking loudly.

It was a sad moment. I thought, I can imagine feeling that way.

The house felt quiet this weekend when the family was gone, but I could enjoy it because it was so rare. But it does feel good when they return. I like a lively house, filled with noise and music and talk and laughter. It is never quiet around here. That's okay. It's the way I wanted it.

And the kids, they had a good time:

I'm an iPad Commercial

I am just loving my iPad! One of the apps I like is epicurious, which has a huge recipe database with reviews and comments. You can search for recipes on ingredients, dietary restrictions, type of cuisine, etc. Then once you pick your recipes, it generates a shopping list for you! So I can take my iPad to the store, if I want, and check off items on the shopping list as I go, or I can email the shopping list and print it out. At the bottom of this post is my shopping list from 4 recipes. The formatting didn't transfer but each item has a little box by it that you can check off as you go.

Then as I cook, I use the iPad as my cookbook in the kitchen.

I also like the app called MyFitnessPal. It has a huge database of foods and activities so I can put in the calories of everything I eat, which I do. I can also track my exercise, and then track my progress over time. Did you know that if I eat 1200 calories a day and exercise 6 days a week, I don't lose weight? Wacky, huh. My metabolism has definitely changed in dramatic ways since being pregnant. My guess is that once my body gained 40 lbs, which is really a huge amount of weight on a frame like mine, it changed things in pretty big ways. I lost the pregnancy weight after the babies were born but my body no longer responds to changes in diet and exercise the way it did when I was in grad school. I probably won't ever go back to that grad-school weight and body, but for some reason I keep trying.

Well anyway, tracking how much I eat has been an interesting experience and I think that eating less than 1200 calories a day just isn't a good idea. It would be a hard thing to sustain for me personally...I like to eat enough so that I don't feel deprived, so that I have energy and my brain feels active and alert. So the best way to go is to step up the exercise with all of that massive amount of free time I have. Ha ha ha!

But on a bright note, this weekend I've had time to work out every day, running plus weights, and it's been so awesome, I feel great. (Not skinny, but great nonetheless). PLUS my house has been spotless.

__________________

Included recipes: Poblano and Mushroom Tacos, Zucchini Carpaccio with Homemade Ricotta Cheese, Moroccan Carrot Soup, Roasted Fingerling Potato Salad

FRESH PRODUCE
1 fresh poblano chile, halved, seeded, thinly sliced into long strips
1/2 small red onion, sliced
3 ounces crimini (baby bella) mushrooms, thinly sliced (about 1 1/4 cups)
Chopped fresh cilantro
Crumbled feta or Cotija cheese
5 medium zucchini, trimmed
3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
2 tablespoons chopped fresh basil
1 cup chopped white onion
1 1/2 pounds 1-inch-diameter fingerling potatoes, halved lengthwise
2 green onions, thinly sliced
1/4 cup fresh Italian parsley leaves
2 tablespoons fresh tarragon leaves

BAKING, NUTS, AND SPICES
Freshly ground black pepper
1 pound large carrots, peeled, cut into 1/2-inch dice (about 2 2/3 cups)
1 1/2 teaspoons cumin seeds
1/8 teaspoon ground allspice

CONDIMENTS AND SAUCES
1 tablespoon honey
1 tablespoon coarse-grained Dijon mustard

CANNED AND TINNED ITEMS
2 1/2 cups low-salt chicken broth

DAIRY
4 thin slices Monterey Jack cheese
Homemade Ricotta Cheese
2 tablespoons (1/4 stick) butter
1/2 cup plain yogurt, stirred to loosen
2 hard-boiled eggs, peeled, chopped

REFRIGERATED
4 corn tortillas

OTHER
Assorted toppings (such as shredded lettuce, diced tomatoes, and hot sauce or salsa)

Here's How Dumb I Am

So Jake is taking both kids up north to his parents' house on the lake tomorrow.

Last year, we were up there and we took a ride on his parents' pontoon boat. Whenever we're out with the kids, each of us informally takes responsibility for one kid. Sometimes we'll trade off during the outing, but we are each watching our own kid. That day on the boat, I was watching Milo and Jake was watching Nora.

Except, he wasn't. Milo wanted to stand on my lap and look at the water, so I held him for a moment, letting him do that, and then put him back down and instinctively glanced around for Nora. And she wasn't there. Jake hadn't been watching her, he had been daydreaming. We're on a boat. I can't see her anywhere. I ask Jake, Where's Nora? He looks around in a panic. Jake's parents look around in a panic. I am suddenly panicking, starting to scan the water, thinking she fell out of the boat without any of us noticing. Then Jake's mom says "Here she is!" She was just hiding behind the seat.

So, a few lessons learned by me. (I cannot say whether Jake learned any lessons). One thing I learned is that if we're in a particularly dangerous situation like on a boat, or in the parking lot, even if we each have our "own" kid to watch, I had probably better be watching the second kid out of the corner of my eye as well.

So back to this weekend. It is all kinds of wonderful that Jake is taking both kids. I can't even believe he wants to do this. The pull to go up north is very strong for him, and he is on vacation, and I have a ton of work to do, so the timing is right. So when he suggested it, I said sure. But tonight at dinner I thought I should probably remind him that since I won't be there, it will be very important that he is paying attention to both kids. He can't just wander off or daydream or stare at a tree or something when there are spiral staircases and 2nd-story decks and big dogs and a giant lake right there. All of those things could theoretically hurt or kill the kids. It's not exactly toddler-proofed up there.

So I was telling him all of this and trying to impress upon him that it is a big deal, and that if anything happened to one of them I would never forgive him. So he had better watch them carefully. (Jake's parents will be there too, of course, but his dad is kind of off in his own world and his mom is often busy with random friends who drive by on the lake, or she's busy eating, and her attention wanders too. So he really needs to make sure he is watching them at all times). So I'm saying all of this at dinner, right in front of the kids, not even realizing that there are actually times, sometimes, when they actually listen to what we're saying.

Then all of the sudden Milo starts getting a little teary, and scared, and he says "I don't want to go up north! I want to stay home! I don't want to get hurt!"

Yes. That is how dumb I am.

Working working working

So, I am typing thus on my iPad! Just as a novelty, really, because it is a little hard to type this way because the iPad doesn't support the Dvorak keyboard layout. I can mostly type on a qwerty keyboard, I haven't forgotten how completely, but qwerty plus the smaller size makes it slow going. However, despite this issue I LOVE my shiny new iPad. I never would have bought one for myself, due to beliefs that I really need to earn any toy I get, and at this stage earn means get tenure, or at least a big journal acceptance. But my mentor bought them with some tech funds that needed to be spent by May 1 and I am loving this toy. I have my calendar on here now, and notes and books, not to mention games for the kids and a calorie tracker and maps (OMG GPS) and urban spoon, I'm in heaven! Plus, we also got Bluetooth keyboards which makes it very easy to type AND with the external keyboard I can type in Dvorak. I can now keep all of my work notes on here and synch them up.

My out-of-town colleagues came and went and it was a super awesome work session. We actually drafted an outline of pretty much the whole book. I also found out that one of them has a pretty good sense of humor, and is pretty smart. Which made it fun. It was interesting to me to see how he kept asking me things about how we do stuff and deferring to me even though he is more senior than I am. This has everything to do with my institution. He respects my university a ton and it was interesting to see that play out. I can sometimes get spoiled and forget how much I get from his institution. It opens so many doors. I get so many opportunities from working here and the prestige of the department makes a lot of people willing to talk to me! I also know that being here makes it easier to secure national grants. It is a privileged place to work if you don't count the pay.

Speaking of which I have been working around the clock on some consulting stuff and we are almost done, thank goodness. I am getting really burned out on it but the money is so needed/welcome. It's hard to pass up. Just the other day I realized that by June I'll have earned more from consulting this year alone than my ENTIRE SALARY my first year teaching. Which just goes to show how low teaching salaries can be.

The kids are two. Very much two. I hope it doesn't last forever.

Stuff they Said

Today Buddy asked Nora what kind of shoes she wanted to wear. She said, "I'm in the mood for sandals."

Later at snack time:

Milo: I can't handle Nora.

Nora: I'm too little to handle Milo.

Tonight at dinner:

Me: Daddy has a brother, and his name is Uncle Ken.

Nora: I have a brother!

Me: What's his name?

Nora: Milo!

Milo: I have a brother too!

Me: What's his name?

Milo: Um...I don't know!

Was it just last weekend that we had graduation, and a big party, and the in-laws were here, and then I packed and flew to Arkansas and back? And got filmed in a studio in which the producer asking me the questions looked exactly like Dave Matthews, only about 10 years younger?

It feels like weeks ago. The students are gone now and everything is quiet and right now it is about 85 degrees out and humid. It is officially summer in my book!

Tonight my co-authors are flying to Madison for our 2-day work session to try to outline our book. I am so glad it is not me who had to get on another plane today! They are so nice to fly out here instead.

Today we went to a small town about 25 miles out of town. It was the original Swiss settlement in our state and Jake's great grandfather used to live there. He and his family have been going there for years, and his parents got engaged there. It is a cute historic small Swiss village (about 2,000 people) with giant plaster cows everywhere, pretty little shops selling chocolate and cheese and Swiss things, and nice delis and pubs. Jake got the idea that it'd make for a nice Sunday outing so we packed up the kids, spent the morning playing at a park in the center of the village, and then ate at a restaurant for lunch before heading home.

Yes, 2 restaurants in as many weeks for the kids! This is quite a big deal since we only took the kids to restaurants maybe 2-3 times in the first 2 years of their lives. But now they are big enough that they can sit up and eat food off the menu, and drink their milk out of the glasses, and we can practice appropriate restaurant behavior in the low-key setting of a weekend lunch. They once again did a great job and behaved very well. (Hmm. Maybe we should eat out more often.)

I've only been to this town once before and it was for Oktoberfest, on Jake's 27th birthday. We drove down on a Saturday and spent the day with his parents, aunts and uncles, and a bunch of friends (all there for Oktoberfest) and then we camped there overnight.

Nora said some funny things this weekend. On Saturday morning I gave them watered down juice at breakfast because we were out of milk. They basically never get juice like that, so it was a huge deal to them and they both downed 2 cups. Nora said, "It's a juicy day!" Then later she was feeling jealous and didn't want to share me with Milo. I said, "I'm Milo's Mommy too, you know." Nora thought for a minute, and then she said, "Daddy is Milo's Mommy!" Jake thought that one was sort of true.

Also, the kids were horrendous this afternoon. I have started to notice some things from the park, story time, play dates, and other outings: Nora and Milo are not like other kids. And not in a good way. They seem to be a year or two ahead when it comes to their verbal skills, but they seem...how do I put it...way more jerky than other kids. Like, more demanding. More difficult. More apt to fight. More apt to argue and talk back. Other kids their age don't have the language to really engage in the finer points of extended debate, so that's part of it, but holy cow. Are we raising a couple of jerks? I don't understand! We're so not permissive, we try to follow the books and stuff, but tonight was seriously nuts. Honestly Milo's behavior every night at dinner is so atrocious you'd think he was raised in a barn. And Nora...little Miss Debate Team...she thinks she's Perry Mason or something. It's ridiculous.

The best part is when I refuse to argue with her, which is basically all the time, and then she'll demand "Argue, Mommy! I want you to argue! I need you to argue, Mommy!" and she'll get seriously upset about it and then basically we're in an argument about whether or not we're having an argument.

Aaaaauuuugggghhhh!

Milo now thinks it's funny to spit, stick out his tongue, make disgusting throat noises, and basically be gross. We are ignoring this when we're outside or in a situation where it doesn't matter, because I know he is trying to get attention, but we don't allow it at the table. And then we engage in WWIII every night. If Milo were a husky kid I'd just end the meal. Still too afraid to end meals because of the whole underweight thing...I'm going to check it with the doctor next month to get the green light on ending meals and letting the little so-and-so go hungry for a night. So instead it's this:

Milo: HUUCCCWWWGGGHHHHH!

Me: Not allowed at the table.

Milo: But I want to!

Me: No.

Milo: I want to!

Me: No.

Milo: I want to!

Me: No.

Milo: I want to!

Me: ....(takes a bite)

Milo: I want to!

Milo: But I want to!

Milo: I want to!

Milo: I want to!

Me: I SAID NO.

Milo: AAAAAaaaaaaaaa! (Bursts into tears)

Yup. Fun times.

I Love That

One bright spot in an otherwise crabby morning:

We were walking from the parking lot to the zoo entrance and some kids in a stroller started saying hi to Milo and waving at him. Milo waved back and was clearly thrilled at the interaction. As we walked away, he said, "He was saying peek a boo to me. I love that!"

Our Weekend

One of my doctoral advisees and two of my master's advisees graduated this weekend, along with two more of our doctoral students. I'm on their committees and I've read their dissertations, so I feel closely connected to all of our graduating students. They are all so terrific and are moving on to very exciting things.

My doctoral advisee is my second doc student to graduate. The first graduated 3 years ago and at the very last minute I ended up missing the ceremony because I got sick. This time I was fine, and I was so excited and happy to have the honor to hood my student.I have been lucky in terms of having really awesome grad students.

That was on Friday. Saturday, Jake graduated! What a momentous occasion for him and for all of us. Jake studied for the GRE when I was pregnant and took it just a few short weeks before the babies were born. When they were infants, he studied statistics to prepare for his upcoming program. He began the program when the kids were just 9 months old and it was a rough time because he really hated his first semester. I remember that Jake didn't seem very confident about finishing and often wondered whether he was doing the right thing. The work load was very intense and it wasn't easy to manage that and caring for twins at the same time.

But he did it, and each semester got better than the one before it, and in the end Jake graduated with honors, one of just a few in his class to achieve that distinction. He gained an outstanding reputation for himself which allowed him to secure a job months before graduation, while most of his classmates are still searching. None of this was easy for Jake and he is definitely one of the hardest workers I know when it comes to studying and diligence. It paid off and it was such a sweet day to celebrate his accomplishments.

Jake's graduation ceremony was actually in the Capitol building in the assembly chambers, which was a beautiful place to hold a graduation.

That night, we geared up for a party to celebrate the graduations of Jake and all of our grad students in my program. Even the kids got into the spirit of it, saying "Congraduations Daddy!"

Sunday was a day of recovery from our excellent party, a day of playing outside on the new trikes from Grandma and Grandpa. Here is Buddy in the background, pushing Nora.

They also brought a fire engine for Milo. They are totally spoiling our kids. (And yes, I'd say the helmets are quite unnecessary at this stage!)

Today we went to an old classic deli for lunch. This is a very special deli because it has a carousel!

The kids did wonderfully at lunch. I realized that this is actually the first time we have taken both of them to a restaurant in a year and a half. The last time was in December right after they turned 1. I guess we've kind of stayed away from restaurants, but today it was a nice change of pace and we all had fun.

Now I have to pack once again for my early-morning trip to Arkansas. I have to get up at 4:30 a.m. and be filmed later that day. Hopefully the camera adds about 4 hours of sleep or else I'm in trouble.

End of my Rope

I love my children. I could easily stare at them all day. If they would let me, I'd just kiss and hug them for hours and hours. They're funny and clever and constantly surprise me with their delightfully bizarre take on things, and they're cute and adorable.

But oh my goodness, the girl child was about ready to kill my very last nerve today.

She never. stops. talking. I mean never. Which is fine if it's cheerful chatter, but if she's peevish and off, then the talking is not good talking. It is whining, argumentative talking. Nora will argue about every single word that comes out of our mouths. Everything. It doesn't matter what. Today Jake actually said, "Nora, the sky is blue" just so that he could hear her respond "No it's not!" as he knew she would do. "No, it's not! The sky is not blue!"

Today Nora hit Milo, bit him, pushed him, and kicked him. She complained and whined if I tried to do anything other than hold her. She tried to boss me around: "Mommy, don't cook! Mommy, don't laugh! I don't like laughing!" Reasoning with her is pointless (see the blue sky argument). I do all of the things you're supposed to do. I "don't understand" a whiny voice and don't respond until she uses a normal one. I don't acquiesce to demands, ever, unless they're re-phrased as polite requests with a "please". But despite being incredibly consistent about this, apparently these are not easy lessons for a toddler to learn because she has to be re-taught them about 800 times a day going on, oh, a year now.

Nora absolutely loves to argue. I have to laugh because even when I say something like I'm not going to argue, she'll say "Argue, Mommy! I want to argue!" And then keep saying it about 800 times in a row until my head explodes all over the kitchen. I didn't even know it was possible for a child to be this tenacious and passionate. She's like a pit bull.

I mean, I thought I was intense. I'm usually the one tiring other people out with my arguing, my demanding nature, my critical, passionate personality. I believe I have now met my match. Nora has me beat, and she's only 2. I am too old and too tired for this; by the end of the day, I had a killer headache and was walking around in a fog. I hope this child will ultimately use her skills for some greater purpose in life.

At least Milo sometimes takes the heat and rises to the bait, giving me a break every now and then. For instance, tonight before bedtime they were sitting on their potties and brushing their teeth. Milo declared "I have a penis!" Not to be outdone, Nora says, "I have a penis." Milo: "You do not!" Nora: "I do too!" Milo: "Do NOT!" Nora: "Do TOO!" This continued for about 5 minutes and they were really yelling at each other. I just sighed and reached for a bon bon because it was the most relaxing 5 minutes of my day.

Don't Touch Guys

Just had to relay a bizarre conversation Milo initiated tonight. I can only imagine what incident today prompted this information!

Milo: I don't touch guys.

Me: You don't touch guys?

Milo: I don't touch guys' bottoms.

Me: Oh. Yeah, we don't touch people's bottoms.

Milo: Guys take showers.

Peeking Through the Window

Very Famous Retired Guy, who is a super nice guy, stopped by today to chat. He said some kind and reassuring things to me regarding the tenure debacle our department has been through, and I took the opportunity to ask him to write a letter of reference for me for next year. So that I can go on the job market. So that I can, at the very least, get a raise at my current job.

New hires who are joining us are getting salaries 5K more than what I'm making. This is obviously wrong and yesterday it just so happened that my yearly review happened with the department. (My mentor presents my case to the department and then they talk about whether I am fine or whether I suck). Afterwards my mentor came to me and said that it went fine, everybody thought it was great, and several people commented to him that my case was a model case. One person told him "Amy is a gem." My mentor thought, well, if that's the case I should try to get her a raise now since we have 3 new people coming in next year making 5K more than Amy. So he went to the chair and she said "No, there is no money." So I am a gem who is worth 5K less than the brand new (newly minted PhD) hires. That's the way it works around here. There is no money, unless you get an outside offer and magically activate this separate pot of retention money. It is total BS in my opinion but there is nothing to be done except get another job offer. I am angry, and am ready to see what else is out there. There are some places I could imagine potentially moving to if it came to that.

But that wasn't what I wanted to talk about. Instead I want to talk about clothes.

For most of my life I didn't care very much about clothes or fashion. Maybe this was laziness or just general obliviousness or being too busy, but I also think that my income had a lot to do with it. First I was a college student, then a teacher, then a grad student, and none of those occupations pay well. The teaching uniform is pretty standard and doesn't change much from day to day. Same with the grad student uniform (jeans and a t-shirt).

Now, however, I've got days when I just sit in my office and write, so I can still wear jeans and a t-shirt if I want to, but I also have days when I teach, and I prefer to look a little more polished. I also have days when I organize meetings, travel, present, or give talks, and I like to look much more professional on those days. Now that I am older, perhaps I have to rely on strategic clothing choices a little bit more than I used to. Also, I now make more money than I did as a grad student or a teacher. Professors don't make a ton of money (especially us gems, apparently), but it's enough that I can afford to spend a little more on a decent pair of shoes or a nice jacket every now and then.

The internet and blogging has changed fashion for me too. I get so many ideas and inspiration from some of my favorite fashion blogs:

What I wore is a great daily outfit blog by a NYC girl who has great style. (It keeps making me wish I were about 6 inches taller!)

Academichic is a blog by three female academics who trade off sharing their daily outfits. I particularly identify with E's style.

Good life for less is a great blog by a very fashionable mom of 2. I can relate! (To the mom of 2 part, that is...)

You look fab is a fabulous blog by a fashion consultant who shares all kinds of tips and tricks. The reader's forum is great too.

And then there is my splurge read, Corporette. It is really geared more towards the lawyer and wall street set than the professor set, but provides a nice window into the higher-end fashion that is fun to take a peek at every now and then.

Our Weekend

I have made chicken & cheese taquitos with adobo sauce, macaroons, chocolate-covered macaroons, cheddar cheese puffs, apple walnut gorgonzola turnovers, and grilled chicken pasta salad with basil, tomato, and avocado. Phew! Coming up in the next week, brownies, chicken wings, smoked salmon with herbed goat cheese on toasts, artichoke cheese dip, and cherry chutney with brie.

We grocery shopped, did laundry, mowed the lawn, trimmed the bushes, and weeded the front garden. Jake cleaned the downstairs bathroom while I finished writing a 23-page single-spaced document about exponential functions for teachers, and it doesn't even have the pieces my colleague is producing yet. I also wondered whether it is too obvious to tell teachers that a logarithm is just an exponent.

I finished the edits to my chapter and sent it off to the editor. And on Friday night, we took an hour and a half off and watched two episodes of Mad Men, possibly my favorite show of all time.

Oh. We also took the kids to the park, the store, the other park, and negotiated countless disputes. We made meals every 4 hours and cleaned dishes about 10 times. We changed about 20 diapers. I'm so glad Monday is coming, I need a vacation from the weekend!

Sometimes I Wonder if My Kids are Normal

I think about 85% of our household unpleasantness (yelling, crying, etc.) comes from sibling disputes. Another 10% comes from me trying to go to the bathroom or do laundry or take a shower or whatever and leaving Nora, and the remaining 5% comes from falls or injuries.

It makes me wonder, sometimes, whether things would be generally tranquil if we just had one child. It certainly is every single time just one of them is with us and the other is asleep or off doing something with the other parent or whatever.

Today, in a new parenting low, I actually bribed Nora with a sticker to behave and not throw a fit while I went to the bathroom. Yes, I know it is not a stellar parenting move. Honestly I just needed a little peace for a couple of minutes.

This child is so demanding. Every time I hold Milo she freaks out. She is so jealous. I don't know if my memory is correct, but when they were babies I seem to remember Nora being more mellow and Milo being more cranky and adverse to change. I worry about Milo being left behind, sort of, because Nora is so demanding of my attention. I don't want Milo to feel like the second-class child. He's so much more happy to play on his own or do his own thing, and Nora is so much more likely to demand that I hold her, or cry and scream if I try to cook or something while she wants attention, so when going with the flow it is Nora who gets more of me and Milo who gets less. But I don't want Milo to get less, and I don't want him to feel like he is loved any less.

Every day I hug and kiss Milo and cuddle with him and tell him that I love him, which he likes but often he's just as likely to wipe off the kiss and run off and play, because he's a hard working man with important things to do. So he seems okay, but still. Last night I cuddled with him while Nora threw a giant fit of anger and jealousy. Jake took her upstairs and I stayed down with Milo for a while just to enjoy being able to hold him. I kissed him and he said "Give me two kisses!"

Their constitutions are so different. Milo is still a great sleeper, as he has been since he was a baby. His naps last 3 hours and sometimes we even have to wake him after that time. Nora's naps last half that long if we're lucky. Milo's more outgoing and friendly. Nora is getting better, but she is still shy and afraid of new people. Milo is game to try any food, and enjoys much of it. Nora has actually improved a lot in that area (today she ate pasta and a meatball), but it has been a struggle. Sometimes things just seem...harder for Nora. She's so sensitive. It makes me wonder if her entire life is going to be a little bit harder because she's less easygoing.

Also, sometimes I worry a little bit about Nora's total lack of empathy or compassion for Milo. If Milo is hurt or sad or crying, this does not bother Nora one whit and sometimes she'll even laugh. Which sends a chill down my spine. I hope this is normal for a two-year old, and doesn't mean she's going to be a sociopath or something.

And as long as I'm sharing weird things, sometimes it still seems like Milo sees ghosts. For instance, last night he was talking about how there was a woman in the sunroom watching him. She had a green shirt on and her name was Sophie. I have always had the impression that Milo sees stuff that I don't, which I explain through my own epistemological and ontological philosophy of non-objective perception of reality, but honestly, sometimes it gets a little creepy. It makes me wonder if he's going to be the kind of kid who has imaginary friends.

Still Paying for San Diego & Denver

You know what I want for Mother's Day? I just want to be able to take a freakin' crap without Nora going all hysterical on my ass. Seriously. I just want a little bit of freedom in my own house. I want to go to the bathroom BY MYSELF and not have to do it while listening to somebody cry, scream "MOMMY COME BACK", become hysterical, kick and flail around, scream louder than I thought possible, get the hiccups, and then listen to Jake trying in vain to reason with a hysterical, crying toddler while my stressed-out ass clenches up tight and says "Forget it, just live with the stomach ache, because nothing is happening now, sister."

My SAH Day

Our big excitement is that Nora pooped on the potty last night and she peed on the potty today. I think she's starting to get the hang of it. She tried again tonight and I could tell she knew what she was doing, but just didn't have anything to deposit, so to speak.

I really like how Nora narrates her intentionality all the time. Me: "Do you want to pee and poop on the potty?" Nora: "Yeah! Okay! I'll poop on the potty and then Mommy will be so excited! And then Mommy will say hooray!"

As I shared in FB Milo suddenly out of the blue started saying "Oh, fuck it!" at dinner tonight. I have no idea where that came from! I mean, maybe it is something I have said or Jake has said. It's certainly the kind of thing I would say. But I haven't said it recently, and he has never said this directly after me, so that means if he got it from us, one of us said it once, Milo did nothing and just filed it away in his brain, and then randomly brought it out at dinner tonight. What the heck? That is so weird.

Of course Jake started cracking up which didn't help at all, so I was hissing "ignore it" to him and then telling Milo that he must have gotten it wrong because that's not a word and the right way to say it is, "Oh forget it." And of course that didn't work at all, and instead Milo has this weird sixth sense for sussing out a curse word so he just kept saying it over and over again, and then Nora started laughing at it, which only encouraged it.