B is for Bubble

If Milo has a favorite thing right now, it'd be the iPad. He's going to be such a gamer. That and the color orange, I guess. This morning in the car Milo was going on about something or somebody he didn't like, I don't remember, he's in an "I don't like" phase right now. I asked, who do you like, Milo? Milo said, "Orange." Orange? "I like the color orange." Well okay then.

Nora: I don't like orange. I like yellow! (Except she calls it "lellow").

If Nora has a favorite thing right now, it's definitely bubbles. Blowing bubbles. All bubbles, all the time. She's totally into bubbles. Which is a little interesting considering I used to be kind of afraid of bubbles.

Here's Nora holding her bubbles. She won't let go of that thing. Look at those curls! Now that it's humid her hair has sprung into crazy curls all over the place. Look at that cute little face! The look of menacing intent! Are you afraid? Because you should be.

Milo blows the bubbles. See that tuft of hair on the back of his head? It's so cute, but I'm thinking it's getting kind of over the top and maybe I should cut it off. I haven't cut Milo's hair yet at all. His hair has grown into a natural mohawk so now everybody who sees him says "Oh, he's got a mohawk!" It's starting to look like we did it on purpose. I don't want to be seen as the lame parent who would give her toddler a mohawk.

Why can't you kids stand in a more scenic location when you're blowing bubbles? Sheesh!

Look how serious Jake looks here. He is so aristocratic. Those sideburns! Those Euro glasses! That cleft chin! The razor-edged nose! It is a pleasure to gaze upon him. I need to do extra gazing in the next couple of weeks while we've still got him at home.

Nora says, yes, I'm totally exhausted, probably because I never go to bed on time and instead I throw giant toddler parties every night with Milo instead of falling asleep. Plus, I like to crap my pants precisely 1.5 hours into any nap I ever take. But no matter how exhausted I might be, I am not going to stop blowing bubbles. I don't care if it's dinner time. If you try to make me go in and stop blowing bubbles, there will be hell. to. pay.

Milo says, enough with this bubble stuff, let's go play ball!

And Another One Moves On

My doctoral student successfully defended his dissertation today! Woo hoo!

Today I asked for a raise. I framed it partly as an equity issue because a new faculty member in my area is joining us this fall at a salary 5K more than what I'm making. (This phenomenon is called compression).

I learned many interesting things about money in this meeting with my department chair. In particular, there are several different pots of money that a dept. chair here can use to get a person a raise: a) equity pot, b) compression pot, c) promotion pot, d) high demand pot, e) retention pot.

The equity pot? Empty. Has been for a few years. No money in the equity pot, which means no raises to address salary inequities. This is confusing to me because you'd think such a thing would be actionable, but whatever.

The compression pot seems like it should apply to me, but it is only for full professors at certain points in their careers. The department doesn't get to choose who to put up for a compression raise. There's some sort of formula.

The promotion pot refers to the raises you get when you get tenure and full. Obviously I want to try to get a raise before I go up for tenure, so that my tenure raise will happen on top of the other raise.

The high demand pot is for faculty who are deemed high demand faculty. These are people in high need areas who are productive and successful and tend to get wooed away to other schools. Departments in our college fight each other over this money. The dean has the final say and the typical raise she tends to give from this pot is 3K, which is quite small in my opinion.

The retention pot gets activated when you get an outside job offer from another university. Then they will try to retain a faculty member by giving him or her a raise and other perks. Often this raise is not quite as good as actually matching the other university's salary offer. Because we're lame that way, and we don't have any money.

My department chair offered to go after the high demand pot to get me a raise. She wants to avoid having me go on the market and get another offer, for obvious reasons. She said that I am a good candidate for the high demand raise, so she will put my name forward with the dean and advocate for a higher-than-usual raise because I could be making so much more at a different institution. Ultimately the final decision will be up to the dean in terms of whether to offer a raise, and how much, and the dean's decision will determine whether I go on the market. Meanwhile, though, I'm glad I asked!

Here are some family pictures after I got home today, looking a bit wilted after a day of work and walking 3 miles in the heat and humidity. It is so humid today that I'm surprised it's not actually raining right now! Hence we all look a little wet, but I don't mind. I like this weather.

Bullets of Money and Shirtlessness

• It's a great time to refinance. We just refinanced our mortgage in order to lock in a 4.5% interest rate, which is, like, crazy low. We decided to shift from our 30-year fixed to a 20-year fixed, which basically keeps our monthly payments the same but knocks 5 years off our mortgage. Not bad.
• The only down side is that this probably won't have been worth it if we turn around and sell the house in a year or two. (You know. If I don't get tenure. Or if I go on the job market and decide to take a different job.) On the bright side, if that happens, I'm not particularly worried about selling our house. So many people want to buy in our neighborhood that we regularly get emails on our listserve from families asking if anybody is thinking of selling their house.
• In mildly related financial news, this morning they reported on the radio that the university system president commissioned a study to compare salaries at our universities to other institutions in this region of the country. Not surprisingly they found that we lag behind everybody else. This is true for both faculty and staff. For instance, full professors' salaries lag by 13% - 20%. It would be nice if this study and its publication ended up making a difference somehow. But given our higher-ed unfriendly state legislature, I doubt it'll matter.
• The first thing Milo says to me when I come home now is, "Shall we do the iPad?"
• This morning Nora declared, "I'm quite funny!"
• Tonight both kids thought it was hilarious to take their shirts off and run around the house shirtless. Such simple things bring so much joy.

Milo Isn't Interested

Interesting comments in reaction to this NYT blog post about a kid who is almost 4 and still in diapers. It's funny to me how this sort of made-up notion about "readiness", which wasn't actually based on any research, ended up becoming the mantra of potty training. So now kids train about a year later than they did a couple of generations ago. If there was something truly biological about this readiness stuff, then you'd probably see kids training at about the same age across history and cultures. That's not the case, however, and kids these days are potty training later than ever before. My guess is that disposable diapers and pull ups might have something to do with that.

At the same time, Milo and Nora aren't potty trained yet. They're sort of behind in comparison to their peers around the neighborhood. They play with a number of different friends their age who are now potty trained. A couple of their friends trained before 2. But at 2.5, Milo and Nora aren't even close. It bothers me a little bit to know that they're behind, especially because it would be nice to stop washing diapers. But, they've never exactly been at the top of the curve when it comes to physical developments like sitting, crawling, or walking. So I suppose potty training late sort of fits in with that trend. They weigh as much as babies 1 year younger than them, so sometimes I wonder if their size is related to being on a slightly slower-paced curve.

And I can kind of see why parents don't push it because man, what a pain. I haven't done anything to try to train them yet. We've been sitting them on the potty since they were much younger, but that's about as far as we've taken it. We haven't done that classic "ditch the diapers and potty train in a weekend" thing or anything like that. Because why? To be honest, I'm lazy, I guess, and procrastinating it. Also, it's weather related. I figure I want to do it when it's hot, so that means summer. So that they can be in as little clothing as possible, or naked.

I guess I'll probably do something about it later this summer, and give it a try in August before school starts. If they take to it, great, if not, then we'll wait. I don't think that encouraging kids to use the potty is "pushing". Pushing isn't the same as encouraging, and frankly I can understand the draw of diapers from a toddler's point of view. Milo especially does not want to stop his playing and have to think about the potty. But training will be good for their little bottoms, which still occasionally get sore and red. And I do not believe in waiting until a toddler necessarily decides that he or she is ready and eager to do something new. If I followed that philosophy, then the kids would still be using bottles and still be eating baby food. So obviously they need a little structure and guidance from us.

Anyway, today I was in Target and I bought some training pants for the kids for later this summer if we decide to give the whole thing a good old college try. Jake was putting them away and he remarked to Milo "Oh, it looks like Mommy got some training pants." Milo immediately said "I don't want those. I want diapers." Okay then! Hard to get a clearer message than that!

Daddy Stay Home!

This morning Nora said "Mommy's staying home today." I told her that I had to go to work, but I'd be back in the evening. Then she switched tactic. "Daddy is staying home today." Milo agreed, stating firmly "Daddy stays home."

Nora: Yay! Daddy's staying home.
Milo: Daddy's staying home. Daddy, stay home!
Jake: Buddy's coming, but I'm staying home too.
Milo: Hooray! Daddy's staying home.

These kids are so accustomed to Jake being there all the time. They're going to be in for one nasty surprise when Jake starts a full-time job at the end of June. (I have a feeling we all are).

When the family left on Saturday, I was sad. And so I took a nap. In my own bed. For as long as I wanted.

The end. That should be the end of the story, because that is all that really matters, isn't it? You don't nap with small children. Maybe you can catch a few winks after they're down, once you eat your lunch, clean up the dishes, get the laundry going, and water the plants. Then you might sink onto the sofa in exhaustion, never your own bed, because one of the kids is napping in there, and as soon as you start to drift off, they're up. And you regret it.

So I took a nap, in my own bed, and I woke up when I was ready. And then I cleaned the house. And then I had 3 days of a clean house. Clean floors. No crumbs ground into the floor, no milk splatters, no sauces dribbled on walls, no toys strewn about. No diapers to empty out into the toilet, so I had clean, pristine, toilets. Clean kitchen counters. A clean bedroom.

I slept. I woke when I wanted to. When I woke, I looked at my email, got dressed, and went for a run. When I wanted to. When I got back, I was able to stretch and lift weights for as long as I wanted. Then I actually took a shower right away, instead of 2-3 hours later. I went out at night. I sat with friends at the terrace and looked at the boats on the lake and listened to the music in the humid, summer air. And I stayed as long as I wanted to. I did not look at my watch, or worry about when I had to get home. I knew I'd be able to sleep in the next morning.

I worked. At home. In silence. I worked for as long as I wanted to, and only stopped when I was done. I made myself meals, and my cooking was not rushed. I took as long as I wanted. I ate when it was ready, instead of at 6 p.m. on the dot. And when I sat down to eat, I remained sitting the entire time. I did not once get up to get milk, water, extra bread, paper towels, fruit, or anything else. I just sat and ate my meal. And when I cleaned up, it only took a few minutes.

Once upon a time I lived in this house by myself. I am trying to remember...what did I do with all of my time?

A few nights ago we watched a movie about a French family whose mother / grandmother owned the family estate. Each summer the three children and their spouses and children gathered at the estate, and they played in the pond and ate outside on the patio and laughed and argued and it was loud and chaotic. And the old mother, whose husband was dead, loved being surrounded by her family.

And then they all left, one by one. They packed up their cars and drove away, and the mother waved goodbye, and then they are all gone. And dusk arrived, and she slowly walked back up the drive to her big, big house, where she was all alone. And she sat in her kitchen, the room growing dark, the sound of the clock ticking loudly.

It was a sad moment. I thought, I can imagine feeling that way.

The house felt quiet this weekend when the family was gone, but I could enjoy it because it was so rare. But it does feel good when they return. I like a lively house, filled with noise and music and talk and laughter. It is never quiet around here. That's okay. It's the way I wanted it.

And the kids, they had a good time:

I'm an iPad Commercial

I am just loving my iPad! One of the apps I like is epicurious, which has a huge recipe database with reviews and comments. You can search for recipes on ingredients, dietary restrictions, type of cuisine, etc. Then once you pick your recipes, it generates a shopping list for you! So I can take my iPad to the store, if I want, and check off items on the shopping list as I go, or I can email the shopping list and print it out. At the bottom of this post is my shopping list from 4 recipes. The formatting didn't transfer but each item has a little box by it that you can check off as you go.

Then as I cook, I use the iPad as my cookbook in the kitchen.

I also like the app called MyFitnessPal. It has a huge database of foods and activities so I can put in the calories of everything I eat, which I do. I can also track my exercise, and then track my progress over time. Did you know that if I eat 1200 calories a day and exercise 6 days a week, I don't lose weight? Wacky, huh. My metabolism has definitely changed in dramatic ways since being pregnant. My guess is that once my body gained 40 lbs, which is really a huge amount of weight on a frame like mine, it changed things in pretty big ways. I lost the pregnancy weight after the babies were born but my body no longer responds to changes in diet and exercise the way it did when I was in grad school. I probably won't ever go back to that grad-school weight and body, but for some reason I keep trying.

Well anyway, tracking how much I eat has been an interesting experience and I think that eating less than 1200 calories a day just isn't a good idea. It would be a hard thing to sustain for me personally...I like to eat enough so that I don't feel deprived, so that I have energy and my brain feels active and alert. So the best way to go is to step up the exercise with all of that massive amount of free time I have. Ha ha ha!

But on a bright note, this weekend I've had time to work out every day, running plus weights, and it's been so awesome, I feel great. (Not skinny, but great nonetheless). PLUS my house has been spotless.

__________________

Included recipes: Poblano and Mushroom Tacos, Zucchini Carpaccio with Homemade Ricotta Cheese, Moroccan Carrot Soup, Roasted Fingerling Potato Salad

FRESH PRODUCE
1 fresh poblano chile, halved, seeded, thinly sliced into long strips
1/2 small red onion, sliced
3 ounces crimini (baby bella) mushrooms, thinly sliced (about 1 1/4 cups)
Chopped fresh cilantro
Crumbled feta or Cotija cheese
5 medium zucchini, trimmed
3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
2 tablespoons chopped fresh basil
1 cup chopped white onion
1 1/2 pounds 1-inch-diameter fingerling potatoes, halved lengthwise
2 green onions, thinly sliced
1/4 cup fresh Italian parsley leaves
2 tablespoons fresh tarragon leaves

BAKING, NUTS, AND SPICES
Freshly ground black pepper
1 pound large carrots, peeled, cut into 1/2-inch dice (about 2 2/3 cups)
1 1/2 teaspoons cumin seeds
1/8 teaspoon ground allspice

CONDIMENTS AND SAUCES
1 tablespoon honey
1 tablespoon coarse-grained Dijon mustard

CANNED AND TINNED ITEMS
2 1/2 cups low-salt chicken broth

DAIRY
4 thin slices Monterey Jack cheese
Homemade Ricotta Cheese
2 tablespoons (1/4 stick) butter
1/2 cup plain yogurt, stirred to loosen
2 hard-boiled eggs, peeled, chopped

REFRIGERATED
4 corn tortillas

OTHER
Assorted toppings (such as shredded lettuce, diced tomatoes, and hot sauce or salsa)

Here's How Dumb I Am

So Jake is taking both kids up north to his parents' house on the lake tomorrow.

Last year, we were up there and we took a ride on his parents' pontoon boat. Whenever we're out with the kids, each of us informally takes responsibility for one kid. Sometimes we'll trade off during the outing, but we are each watching our own kid. That day on the boat, I was watching Milo and Jake was watching Nora.

Except, he wasn't. Milo wanted to stand on my lap and look at the water, so I held him for a moment, letting him do that, and then put him back down and instinctively glanced around for Nora. And she wasn't there. Jake hadn't been watching her, he had been daydreaming. We're on a boat. I can't see her anywhere. I ask Jake, Where's Nora? He looks around in a panic. Jake's parents look around in a panic. I am suddenly panicking, starting to scan the water, thinking she fell out of the boat without any of us noticing. Then Jake's mom says "Here she is!" She was just hiding behind the seat.

So, a few lessons learned by me. (I cannot say whether Jake learned any lessons). One thing I learned is that if we're in a particularly dangerous situation like on a boat, or in the parking lot, even if we each have our "own" kid to watch, I had probably better be watching the second kid out of the corner of my eye as well.

So back to this weekend. It is all kinds of wonderful that Jake is taking both kids. I can't even believe he wants to do this. The pull to go up north is very strong for him, and he is on vacation, and I have a ton of work to do, so the timing is right. So when he suggested it, I said sure. But tonight at dinner I thought I should probably remind him that since I won't be there, it will be very important that he is paying attention to both kids. He can't just wander off or daydream or stare at a tree or something when there are spiral staircases and 2nd-story decks and big dogs and a giant lake right there. All of those things could theoretically hurt or kill the kids. It's not exactly toddler-proofed up there.

So I was telling him all of this and trying to impress upon him that it is a big deal, and that if anything happened to one of them I would never forgive him. So he had better watch them carefully. (Jake's parents will be there too, of course, but his dad is kind of off in his own world and his mom is often busy with random friends who drive by on the lake, or she's busy eating, and her attention wanders too. So he really needs to make sure he is watching them at all times). So I'm saying all of this at dinner, right in front of the kids, not even realizing that there are actually times, sometimes, when they actually listen to what we're saying.

Then all of the sudden Milo starts getting a little teary, and scared, and he says "I don't want to go up north! I want to stay home! I don't want to get hurt!"

Yes. That is how dumb I am.

Working working working

So, I am typing thus on my iPad! Just as a novelty, really, because it is a little hard to type this way because the iPad doesn't support the Dvorak keyboard layout. I can mostly type on a qwerty keyboard, I haven't forgotten how completely, but qwerty plus the smaller size makes it slow going. However, despite this issue I LOVE my shiny new iPad. I never would have bought one for myself, due to beliefs that I really need to earn any toy I get, and at this stage earn means get tenure, or at least a big journal acceptance. But my mentor bought them with some tech funds that needed to be spent by May 1 and I am loving this toy. I have my calendar on here now, and notes and books, not to mention games for the kids and a calorie tracker and maps (OMG GPS) and urban spoon, I'm in heaven! Plus, we also got Bluetooth keyboards which makes it very easy to type AND with the external keyboard I can type in Dvorak. I can now keep all of my work notes on here and synch them up.

My out-of-town colleagues came and went and it was a super awesome work session. We actually drafted an outline of pretty much the whole book. I also found out that one of them has a pretty good sense of humor, and is pretty smart. Which made it fun. It was interesting to me to see how he kept asking me things about how we do stuff and deferring to me even though he is more senior than I am. This has everything to do with my institution. He respects my university a ton and it was interesting to see that play out. I can sometimes get spoiled and forget how much I get from his institution. It opens so many doors. I get so many opportunities from working here and the prestige of the department makes a lot of people willing to talk to me! I also know that being here makes it easier to secure national grants. It is a privileged place to work if you don't count the pay.

Speaking of which I have been working around the clock on some consulting stuff and we are almost done, thank goodness. I am getting really burned out on it but the money is so needed/welcome. It's hard to pass up. Just the other day I realized that by June I'll have earned more from consulting this year alone than my ENTIRE SALARY my first year teaching. Which just goes to show how low teaching salaries can be.

The kids are two. Very much two. I hope it doesn't last forever.

Stuff they Said

Today Buddy asked Nora what kind of shoes she wanted to wear. She said, "I'm in the mood for sandals."

Later at snack time:

Milo: I can't handle Nora.

Nora: I'm too little to handle Milo.

Tonight at dinner:

Me: Daddy has a brother, and his name is Uncle Ken.

Nora: I have a brother!

Me: What's his name?

Nora: Milo!

Milo: I have a brother too!

Me: What's his name?

Milo: Um...I don't know!

Was it just last weekend that we had graduation, and a big party, and the in-laws were here, and then I packed and flew to Arkansas and back? And got filmed in a studio in which the producer asking me the questions looked exactly like Dave Matthews, only about 10 years younger?

It feels like weeks ago. The students are gone now and everything is quiet and right now it is about 85 degrees out and humid. It is officially summer in my book!

Tonight my co-authors are flying to Madison for our 2-day work session to try to outline our book. I am so glad it is not me who had to get on another plane today! They are so nice to fly out here instead.

Today we went to a small town about 25 miles out of town. It was the original Swiss settlement in our state and Jake's great grandfather used to live there. He and his family have been going there for years, and his parents got engaged there. It is a cute historic small Swiss village (about 2,000 people) with giant plaster cows everywhere, pretty little shops selling chocolate and cheese and Swiss things, and nice delis and pubs. Jake got the idea that it'd make for a nice Sunday outing so we packed up the kids, spent the morning playing at a park in the center of the village, and then ate at a restaurant for lunch before heading home.

Yes, 2 restaurants in as many weeks for the kids! This is quite a big deal since we only took the kids to restaurants maybe 2-3 times in the first 2 years of their lives. But now they are big enough that they can sit up and eat food off the menu, and drink their milk out of the glasses, and we can practice appropriate restaurant behavior in the low-key setting of a weekend lunch. They once again did a great job and behaved very well. (Hmm. Maybe we should eat out more often.)

I've only been to this town once before and it was for Oktoberfest, on Jake's 27th birthday. We drove down on a Saturday and spent the day with his parents, aunts and uncles, and a bunch of friends (all there for Oktoberfest) and then we camped there overnight.

Nora said some funny things this weekend. On Saturday morning I gave them watered down juice at breakfast because we were out of milk. They basically never get juice like that, so it was a huge deal to them and they both downed 2 cups. Nora said, "It's a juicy day!" Then later she was feeling jealous and didn't want to share me with Milo. I said, "I'm Milo's Mommy too, you know." Nora thought for a minute, and then she said, "Daddy is Milo's Mommy!" Jake thought that one was sort of true.

Also, the kids were horrendous this afternoon. I have started to notice some things from the park, story time, play dates, and other outings: Nora and Milo are not like other kids. And not in a good way. They seem to be a year or two ahead when it comes to their verbal skills, but they seem...how do I put it...way more jerky than other kids. Like, more demanding. More difficult. More apt to fight. More apt to argue and talk back. Other kids their age don't have the language to really engage in the finer points of extended debate, so that's part of it, but holy cow. Are we raising a couple of jerks? I don't understand! We're so not permissive, we try to follow the books and stuff, but tonight was seriously nuts. Honestly Milo's behavior every night at dinner is so atrocious you'd think he was raised in a barn. And Nora...little Miss Debate Team...she thinks she's Perry Mason or something. It's ridiculous.

The best part is when I refuse to argue with her, which is basically all the time, and then she'll demand "Argue, Mommy! I want you to argue! I need you to argue, Mommy!" and she'll get seriously upset about it and then basically we're in an argument about whether or not we're having an argument.

Aaaaauuuugggghhhh!

Milo now thinks it's funny to spit, stick out his tongue, make disgusting throat noises, and basically be gross. We are ignoring this when we're outside or in a situation where it doesn't matter, because I know he is trying to get attention, but we don't allow it at the table. And then we engage in WWIII every night. If Milo were a husky kid I'd just end the meal. Still too afraid to end meals because of the whole underweight thing...I'm going to check it with the doctor next month to get the green light on ending meals and letting the little so-and-so go hungry for a night. So instead it's this:

Milo: HUUCCCWWWGGGHHHHH!

Me: Not allowed at the table.

Milo: But I want to!

Me: No.

Milo: I want to!

Me: No.

Milo: I want to!

Me: No.

Milo: I want to!

Me: ....(takes a bite)

Milo: I want to!

Milo: But I want to!

Milo: I want to!

Milo: I want to!

Me: I SAID NO.

Milo: AAAAAaaaaaaaaa! (Bursts into tears)

Yup. Fun times.

I Love That

One bright spot in an otherwise crabby morning:

We were walking from the parking lot to the zoo entrance and some kids in a stroller started saying hi to Milo and waving at him. Milo waved back and was clearly thrilled at the interaction. As we walked away, he said, "He was saying peek a boo to me. I love that!"

Our Weekend

One of my doctoral advisees and two of my master's advisees graduated this weekend, along with two more of our doctoral students. I'm on their committees and I've read their dissertations, so I feel closely connected to all of our graduating students. They are all so terrific and are moving on to very exciting things.

My doctoral advisee is my second doc student to graduate. The first graduated 3 years ago and at the very last minute I ended up missing the ceremony because I got sick. This time I was fine, and I was so excited and happy to have the honor to hood my student.I have been lucky in terms of having really awesome grad students.

That was on Friday. Saturday, Jake graduated! What a momentous occasion for him and for all of us. Jake studied for the GRE when I was pregnant and took it just a few short weeks before the babies were born. When they were infants, he studied statistics to prepare for his upcoming program. He began the program when the kids were just 9 months old and it was a rough time because he really hated his first semester. I remember that Jake didn't seem very confident about finishing and often wondered whether he was doing the right thing. The work load was very intense and it wasn't easy to manage that and caring for twins at the same time.

But he did it, and each semester got better than the one before it, and in the end Jake graduated with honors, one of just a few in his class to achieve that distinction. He gained an outstanding reputation for himself which allowed him to secure a job months before graduation, while most of his classmates are still searching. None of this was easy for Jake and he is definitely one of the hardest workers I know when it comes to studying and diligence. It paid off and it was such a sweet day to celebrate his accomplishments.

Jake's graduation ceremony was actually in the Capitol building in the assembly chambers, which was a beautiful place to hold a graduation.

That night, we geared up for a party to celebrate the graduations of Jake and all of our grad students in my program. Even the kids got into the spirit of it, saying "Congraduations Daddy!"

Sunday was a day of recovery from our excellent party, a day of playing outside on the new trikes from Grandma and Grandpa. Here is Buddy in the background, pushing Nora.

They also brought a fire engine for Milo. They are totally spoiling our kids. (And yes, I'd say the helmets are quite unnecessary at this stage!)

Today we went to an old classic deli for lunch. This is a very special deli because it has a carousel!

The kids did wonderfully at lunch. I realized that this is actually the first time we have taken both of them to a restaurant in a year and a half. The last time was in December right after they turned 1. I guess we've kind of stayed away from restaurants, but today it was a nice change of pace and we all had fun.

Now I have to pack once again for my early-morning trip to Arkansas. I have to get up at 4:30 a.m. and be filmed later that day. Hopefully the camera adds about 4 hours of sleep or else I'm in trouble.

End of my Rope

I love my children. I could easily stare at them all day. If they would let me, I'd just kiss and hug them for hours and hours. They're funny and clever and constantly surprise me with their delightfully bizarre take on things, and they're cute and adorable.

But oh my goodness, the girl child was about ready to kill my very last nerve today.

She never. stops. talking. I mean never. Which is fine if it's cheerful chatter, but if she's peevish and off, then the talking is not good talking. It is whining, argumentative talking. Nora will argue about every single word that comes out of our mouths. Everything. It doesn't matter what. Today Jake actually said, "Nora, the sky is blue" just so that he could hear her respond "No it's not!" as he knew she would do. "No, it's not! The sky is not blue!"

Today Nora hit Milo, bit him, pushed him, and kicked him. She complained and whined if I tried to do anything other than hold her. She tried to boss me around: "Mommy, don't cook! Mommy, don't laugh! I don't like laughing!" Reasoning with her is pointless (see the blue sky argument). I do all of the things you're supposed to do. I "don't understand" a whiny voice and don't respond until she uses a normal one. I don't acquiesce to demands, ever, unless they're re-phrased as polite requests with a "please". But despite being incredibly consistent about this, apparently these are not easy lessons for a toddler to learn because she has to be re-taught them about 800 times a day going on, oh, a year now.

Nora absolutely loves to argue. I have to laugh because even when I say something like I'm not going to argue, she'll say "Argue, Mommy! I want to argue!" And then keep saying it about 800 times in a row until my head explodes all over the kitchen. I didn't even know it was possible for a child to be this tenacious and passionate. She's like a pit bull.

I mean, I thought I was intense. I'm usually the one tiring other people out with my arguing, my demanding nature, my critical, passionate personality. I believe I have now met my match. Nora has me beat, and she's only 2. I am too old and too tired for this; by the end of the day, I had a killer headache and was walking around in a fog. I hope this child will ultimately use her skills for some greater purpose in life.

At least Milo sometimes takes the heat and rises to the bait, giving me a break every now and then. For instance, tonight before bedtime they were sitting on their potties and brushing their teeth. Milo declared "I have a penis!" Not to be outdone, Nora says, "I have a penis." Milo: "You do not!" Nora: "I do too!" Milo: "Do NOT!" Nora: "Do TOO!" This continued for about 5 minutes and they were really yelling at each other. I just sighed and reached for a bon bon because it was the most relaxing 5 minutes of my day.

Don't Touch Guys

Just had to relay a bizarre conversation Milo initiated tonight. I can only imagine what incident today prompted this information!

Milo: I don't touch guys.

Me: You don't touch guys?

Milo: I don't touch guys' bottoms.

Me: Oh. Yeah, we don't touch people's bottoms.

Milo: Guys take showers.

Peeking Through the Window

Very Famous Retired Guy, who is a super nice guy, stopped by today to chat. He said some kind and reassuring things to me regarding the tenure debacle our department has been through, and I took the opportunity to ask him to write a letter of reference for me for next year. So that I can go on the job market. So that I can, at the very least, get a raise at my current job.

New hires who are joining us are getting salaries 5K more than what I'm making. This is obviously wrong and yesterday it just so happened that my yearly review happened with the department. (My mentor presents my case to the department and then they talk about whether I am fine or whether I suck). Afterwards my mentor came to me and said that it went fine, everybody thought it was great, and several people commented to him that my case was a model case. One person told him "Amy is a gem." My mentor thought, well, if that's the case I should try to get her a raise now since we have 3 new people coming in next year making 5K more than Amy. So he went to the chair and she said "No, there is no money." So I am a gem who is worth 5K less than the brand new (newly minted PhD) hires. That's the way it works around here. There is no money, unless you get an outside offer and magically activate this separate pot of retention money. It is total BS in my opinion but there is nothing to be done except get another job offer. I am angry, and am ready to see what else is out there. There are some places I could imagine potentially moving to if it came to that.

But that wasn't what I wanted to talk about. Instead I want to talk about clothes.

For most of my life I didn't care very much about clothes or fashion. Maybe this was laziness or just general obliviousness or being too busy, but I also think that my income had a lot to do with it. First I was a college student, then a teacher, then a grad student, and none of those occupations pay well. The teaching uniform is pretty standard and doesn't change much from day to day. Same with the grad student uniform (jeans and a t-shirt).

Now, however, I've got days when I just sit in my office and write, so I can still wear jeans and a t-shirt if I want to, but I also have days when I teach, and I prefer to look a little more polished. I also have days when I organize meetings, travel, present, or give talks, and I like to look much more professional on those days. Now that I am older, perhaps I have to rely on strategic clothing choices a little bit more than I used to. Also, I now make more money than I did as a grad student or a teacher. Professors don't make a ton of money (especially us gems, apparently), but it's enough that I can afford to spend a little more on a decent pair of shoes or a nice jacket every now and then.

The internet and blogging has changed fashion for me too. I get so many ideas and inspiration from some of my favorite fashion blogs:

What I wore is a great daily outfit blog by a NYC girl who has great style. (It keeps making me wish I were about 6 inches taller!)

Academichic is a blog by three female academics who trade off sharing their daily outfits. I particularly identify with E's style.

Good life for less is a great blog by a very fashionable mom of 2. I can relate! (To the mom of 2 part, that is...)

You look fab is a fabulous blog by a fashion consultant who shares all kinds of tips and tricks. The reader's forum is great too.

And then there is my splurge read, Corporette. It is really geared more towards the lawyer and wall street set than the professor set, but provides a nice window into the higher-end fashion that is fun to take a peek at every now and then.

Our Weekend

I have made chicken & cheese taquitos with adobo sauce, macaroons, chocolate-covered macaroons, cheddar cheese puffs, apple walnut gorgonzola turnovers, and grilled chicken pasta salad with basil, tomato, and avocado. Phew! Coming up in the next week, brownies, chicken wings, smoked salmon with herbed goat cheese on toasts, artichoke cheese dip, and cherry chutney with brie.

We grocery shopped, did laundry, mowed the lawn, trimmed the bushes, and weeded the front garden. Jake cleaned the downstairs bathroom while I finished writing a 23-page single-spaced document about exponential functions for teachers, and it doesn't even have the pieces my colleague is producing yet. I also wondered whether it is too obvious to tell teachers that a logarithm is just an exponent.

I finished the edits to my chapter and sent it off to the editor. And on Friday night, we took an hour and a half off and watched two episodes of Mad Men, possibly my favorite show of all time.

Oh. We also took the kids to the park, the store, the other park, and negotiated countless disputes. We made meals every 4 hours and cleaned dishes about 10 times. We changed about 20 diapers. I'm so glad Monday is coming, I need a vacation from the weekend!

Sometimes I Wonder if My Kids are Normal

I think about 85% of our household unpleasantness (yelling, crying, etc.) comes from sibling disputes. Another 10% comes from me trying to go to the bathroom or do laundry or take a shower or whatever and leaving Nora, and the remaining 5% comes from falls or injuries.

It makes me wonder, sometimes, whether things would be generally tranquil if we just had one child. It certainly is every single time just one of them is with us and the other is asleep or off doing something with the other parent or whatever.

Today, in a new parenting low, I actually bribed Nora with a sticker to behave and not throw a fit while I went to the bathroom. Yes, I know it is not a stellar parenting move. Honestly I just needed a little peace for a couple of minutes.

This child is so demanding. Every time I hold Milo she freaks out. She is so jealous. I don't know if my memory is correct, but when they were babies I seem to remember Nora being more mellow and Milo being more cranky and adverse to change. I worry about Milo being left behind, sort of, because Nora is so demanding of my attention. I don't want Milo to feel like the second-class child. He's so much more happy to play on his own or do his own thing, and Nora is so much more likely to demand that I hold her, or cry and scream if I try to cook or something while she wants attention, so when going with the flow it is Nora who gets more of me and Milo who gets less. But I don't want Milo to get less, and I don't want him to feel like he is loved any less.

Every day I hug and kiss Milo and cuddle with him and tell him that I love him, which he likes but often he's just as likely to wipe off the kiss and run off and play, because he's a hard working man with important things to do. So he seems okay, but still. Last night I cuddled with him while Nora threw a giant fit of anger and jealousy. Jake took her upstairs and I stayed down with Milo for a while just to enjoy being able to hold him. I kissed him and he said "Give me two kisses!"

Their constitutions are so different. Milo is still a great sleeper, as he has been since he was a baby. His naps last 3 hours and sometimes we even have to wake him after that time. Nora's naps last half that long if we're lucky. Milo's more outgoing and friendly. Nora is getting better, but she is still shy and afraid of new people. Milo is game to try any food, and enjoys much of it. Nora has actually improved a lot in that area (today she ate pasta and a meatball), but it has been a struggle. Sometimes things just seem...harder for Nora. She's so sensitive. It makes me wonder if her entire life is going to be a little bit harder because she's less easygoing.

Also, sometimes I worry a little bit about Nora's total lack of empathy or compassion for Milo. If Milo is hurt or sad or crying, this does not bother Nora one whit and sometimes she'll even laugh. Which sends a chill down my spine. I hope this is normal for a two-year old, and doesn't mean she's going to be a sociopath or something.

And as long as I'm sharing weird things, sometimes it still seems like Milo sees ghosts. For instance, last night he was talking about how there was a woman in the sunroom watching him. She had a green shirt on and her name was Sophie. I have always had the impression that Milo sees stuff that I don't, which I explain through my own epistemological and ontological philosophy of non-objective perception of reality, but honestly, sometimes it gets a little creepy. It makes me wonder if he's going to be the kind of kid who has imaginary friends.

Still Paying for San Diego & Denver

You know what I want for Mother's Day? I just want to be able to take a freakin' crap without Nora going all hysterical on my ass. Seriously. I just want a little bit of freedom in my own house. I want to go to the bathroom BY MYSELF and not have to do it while listening to somebody cry, scream "MOMMY COME BACK", become hysterical, kick and flail around, scream louder than I thought possible, get the hiccups, and then listen to Jake trying in vain to reason with a hysterical, crying toddler while my stressed-out ass clenches up tight and says "Forget it, just live with the stomach ache, because nothing is happening now, sister."

My SAH Day

Our big excitement is that Nora pooped on the potty last night and she peed on the potty today. I think she's starting to get the hang of it. She tried again tonight and I could tell she knew what she was doing, but just didn't have anything to deposit, so to speak.

I really like how Nora narrates her intentionality all the time. Me: "Do you want to pee and poop on the potty?" Nora: "Yeah! Okay! I'll poop on the potty and then Mommy will be so excited! And then Mommy will say hooray!"

As I shared in FB Milo suddenly out of the blue started saying "Oh, fuck it!" at dinner tonight. I have no idea where that came from! I mean, maybe it is something I have said or Jake has said. It's certainly the kind of thing I would say. But I haven't said it recently, and he has never said this directly after me, so that means if he got it from us, one of us said it once, Milo did nothing and just filed it away in his brain, and then randomly brought it out at dinner tonight. What the heck? That is so weird.

Of course Jake started cracking up which didn't help at all, so I was hissing "ignore it" to him and then telling Milo that he must have gotten it wrong because that's not a word and the right way to say it is, "Oh forget it." And of course that didn't work at all, and instead Milo has this weird sixth sense for sussing out a curse word so he just kept saying it over and over again, and then Nora started laughing at it, which only encouraged it.

Neti Pot?

I am getting sick, a party I have planned for graduation is being overtaken by my in-laws' demands (now with extra houseguests, including Great Grandpa in the upstairs office), and the flight I have to book to Arkansas in a couple of weeks takes off at 6:35. In the A.M., people. I really need to start saying no to stuff.

And every time I return from a trip the kids' behavior goes straight to hell. I am getting tired of people in this house thinking they can start crying and carrying on every time a simple request is denied. And the phrase "But I want it" or "But I need it" is not something I need to hear repeated 80 thousand times at the level of a shriek. Just saying. I'm tired.

I am in a bad mood. But anyway, getting sick has me thinking about the neti pot. A lot of people have sworn by it so now I am thinking, I should probably go get a neti pot. It seems kind of disgusting but on the other hand, I suddenly remembered tonight that I basically used to do the exact same thing in a less controlled manner during my childhood summers.

We used to go stay with our grandparents in Pennsylvania, and I had allergies there. I couldn't breathe and it made it hard to sleep, so my grandmother would prepare a bowl of warm salt water. Then she would tell me to snort the water up one nostril, and then the other. It was uncomfortable, but it worked. She always knew how to make things better.

Trip

Huh. What a great trip!

Good session, interesting comments and insights that helped me think through a couple of issues with the paper I'm revising.

Fun times with people I haven't seen in a long time. Decent food, good wine, laughing so hard I cried.

I talked on the phone with Nora today and I wonder if maybe it was a mistake to call. She chatted on and on happily about all kinds of things that I couldn't tell you, because I was outside and there was traffic noise and I couldn't really hear her well enough to understand anything, other than the fact that she apparently climbed the stairs while talking to me. But when it was time to say good bye she got very upset and started crying, and I felt bad for her and for Jake because I introduced chaos into the house that he now had to deal with.

I have had so much fun at conferences this spring. Each one has been great. But I feel so guilty for traveling so much!

My Weekend Ends a Day Early

Nora's hair has been kind of a disaster as it's grown out; it's still thin in that toddler way, different parts are growing at different rates, and she's suffered under my hack job attempts to trim her bangs and hair. So today I finally took her to get an actual professional hair cut in an actual salon to try to neaten up all of the weirdness her hair has suffered. I didn't know how she would handle this, but I took her to a place that specializes in kids' hair cuts figuring that if she cried, at least they'd be used it it.

And she was a trouper! Nora got to sit in a seat shaped like a car for her haircut; it was a yellow taxicab. There were also cartoons on but she ignored them and instead spent the entire time driving the car and, unbeknownst to us, slowly unscrewing the bolt that held the steering wheel on, so it fell off and clattered to the ground halfway through her haircut. But it was all fine, and although Nora was basically silent throughout (a true rarity), she didn't get scared or cry, and her hair looks better now. It's still kind of wild, halfway in between wavy and curly, but at least it's out of her eyes.

Buddy came to work with a cold last week, and now the kids are sick. Milo had a 103 temperature today, and his cheeks were bright pink. In the afternoon Jake took Nora outside and in an unprecedented move, Milo didn't want to go out. He just wanted to sit on the sofa and read books with me, so that is what we did.

I go to Denver tomorrow. At least it's a direct flight. The weather isn't even supposed to be nice, which is kind of a bummer, but I'm looking forward to seeing people.

And now I have to travel again in 2 weeks down to Arkansas, which is weird. It'll be a short, 2-day trip. I have to go down there to get filmed providing some expert commentary on something. I am not super concerned about what I'll say, but I'm worried about the important things, of course; what should I wear? I kind of remember that solid colors are better than patterns. I suddenly feel like I need a light blue fitted collared shirt, why of all things do I need that? I don't know. I totally lack the appropriate professorial accoutrements for providing this kind of commentary (i.e. pipe, elbow patches, beard...). Also, all of my jackets are either too dated (from interviewing or early professor times), too edgy (cute but not good for looking authoritative), or otherwise flawed in some way. I feel like if I were the kind of person who had it more together, I'd have a better collection of hip-but-not-too-hip jackets for occasions such as these.

Outing

This morning the twin whisperer came by and we took the kids to the capitol building. They like to run around on the lawns, make music on the big bell with their coins, and ride the elevator (Milo) or walk up and down the marble stairs (Nora).

There were about 200 elementary school kids from around the state visiting the capitol today.

It's always good to run around and let off some steam before lunch:

Toddlers are Strange

Today I talked to Nora on the phone briefly before I came home from work. After she told me about how she ate blueberries and was going to go outside, it was time to say good bye. I said, "Bye sweetie, I love you!" and she said, "I love you Mommy! I'm hugging the phone!" That last part was said to Jake to explain her weird behavior.

Tonight at dinner Milo said "Hard shovel!" and I was all, "Uh, hard shovel?" Jake clarified "Milo worked hard shoveling today" and Milo chimed in, "I'm a hard-working man!" As I was laughing at that, he said, "Actually I'm a wild thing!"

I didn't exactly have children just to provide endless amusement, but, I kind of did. So far it's working out.

Meetings That Give Me Heartburn

I know that this was a blog that started out being about the kids and now it is about the tenure process. But that is my life right now.

My tenure meeting was today. In years past this meeting always lasted about 5 minutes. People would look at my stuff and say "looks good, keep on keepin' on", and then we'd all go home. Today it lasted an hour, because it's shifted from "looks good" to "here are all of the things we need to start doing now to begin building your case." These are logistical things like who to solicit for letters, how to begin assembling data on the journals I publish in, etc., etc. We are gearing up to write the case and I'm not even going up for another year and a half!

One of the members of my 3-person tenure committee is currently on the divisional committee, which is extremely helpful. She knows what makes a good case and has all kinds of specific advice. We are also going to add a 4th person to my committee who is currently the chair of divisional, as he has been helpful to me so far. So I feel like I have very savvy and knowledgeable people on my side in this process.

One of my committee members started off the meeting by saying "As far as I'm concerned you could go up in the fall. You're ready." I am not going to revisit that decision, I'm taking all the time I can get and will not go up next year, but it felt nice to hear. My committee thinks I have a strong case and I trust their judgment. So that's good.

It will be important, as I approach this process, to separate my body of work from the tenure process itself. I think my body of work is strong. But it is also true that the tenure process is unpredictable and always changing, and that means there is no way to have confidence that it will be a success for me. It should be, but due to the nature of the process, I know that it might not be. I need to remember that that's about the process, not about me or my work.

Kids: Tonight at dinner, Milo told me he'd like his peanut butter toast (what can I say -- Jake made dinner before I got home). Then he took a closer look at his plate and said "It's peanut butter bagel, actually."

After dinner Jake picked up Nora while I was busy doing dishes. She hugged him and said "I love you Daddy!" (Awwww!) Then she demanded, "TAKE ME OVER TO MOMMY!"

Too Tired for Coherence or a Theme

Posts detailing lists of things people have to do are deeply boring (sort of like writing about your dreams), so I will refrain, but suffice it to say that the list of stuff I have to do in the next couple of months dramatically outweighs the amount of time in which I have to do it, and this is anxiety provoking.

I took on too much, and it was a mistake. Now I have to figure out how to dig out of the hole.

Meanwhile, this week is sandwiched in between two trips and involves us hosting two post-doc candidates, which means meetings, talks, and hardest of all, dinners out.

We had rain all weekend. You know what rain all weekend means, when there are no story hours or toddler gyms and the children's museum is closed until August? It means two antsy kids.

Some guy exposed himself on the bike path to a female jogger near our house. Same route I took this morning on my run. I am angry about these creepy bike path incidents and refuse to start being too afraid to use the path.

While I was gone, Milo slammed the door on Nora's fingers so Jake had to take her to urgent care today. She seems to be okay (they aren't broken, apparently). It was pretty bad, though.

I have solid meetings tomorrow 9:30 - 4:30! Including, at the end of the day, my tenure committee meeting. We'll see how that goes.

The hardest thing for me about parenthood is the never-ending exhaustion. Every single morning I drag myself out of bed with my brain and body kicking and screaming. Exhaustion is like a second skin I wear all the time. If I took my sleep issues seriously enough to change careers because of it, you'd think I would have thought twice about how children would mess with that. Kids are not night owls (at least mine aren't).

One of the best things is how weird and funny kids are. Especially mine. They're awesomely entertaining.

Postscript

Before bed tonight I had this conversation with Nora:

Jake: Did you miss Mommy when she was gone in California?

Nora: Yeah!

Me: I missed you too, sweetie!

Nora: I was sad!

Me: You were sad, and I was gone in California, but then I came back home, didn't I? It's so nice to be home with you now!

Nora: I'm happy now!

They're Growing Up

I was only gone for 4 days but it feels like I left a couple of toddlers and came back to a couple of kids! The kids are talking so much now, and say new things all the time. There have been noticeable changes even in this week when I've been gone!

For instance, Milo, our very boyish little boy, now wipes off any kiss we give him.

Nora has glommed onto the phrase "I love", so this morning she told me, "I love down by the station!" (a book). This afternoon she was sitting on the potty and she told me, "I love this potty!" Then she hugged me, while on the potty.

Also, it's hard to describe, but just the nature of their talking feels like kid talking now, especially with Milo. He was chattering away all afternoon telling me things like "I caught several ladybugs today", and "I want to make Lucas go on the garbage truck! Lucas will climb on the garbage truck and put the garbage away!" Lucas is a stuffed moose that Milo has taken a liking to, which is also new as of this week. I don't know why he named the moose Lucas.

And Nora, she's greeting people like she's the town butterfly now. This evening at the park our neighbors approached and she said "Hi, Millie! Hi, Sue! How are you?"

The changes are coming fast and furious.

Conference Life

Oh, it has been SUCH a good conference. So many ideas! And connections! So many compelling talks! I love it when the talks I attend get me totally fired up to make a connection in my own research, or try something new. Some of the speakers are doing things strongly related to what I've been doing, so we shared notes and found out that we have much to discuss and connect, and that is so invigorating.

I had a working meeting with a couple of co-authors for another book we're going to write for NCTM. The first book just came out, and now I'm slated to do two more with different people, and one of them is so nebulous and ill defined and kind of out of my area of expertise anyway that I sort of wonder why I'm writing it. But I have some ideas, and so do my co-authors, and it looks like we're going to get together in late May for a couple of days to try to hammer out an outline. The only problem is that they both live far away so this means travel, again...I don't even want to think about telling Jake. I'm trying to convince my co-authors to fly to my town instead. Since they're very nice people they seem pretty open to that.

The panel that I gave with a couple of other people about how to publish in a particular journal went so well that it looks like we're going to try to write it up into a little article, which is a great idea. I'm psyched about that.

A more senior professor at a different institution chatted with me for a while and started praising my work a lot...this matters only because now I can put him into the category of letter writers. Phew! It looks like this guy will be a good person to get a letter from. Every time somebody says something good about my work I get this feeling like "Oh! Wow, so you don't think I totally suck? Holy cow! I'm going to mentally file you away as a potential letter writer now! This is great!"

My mentor saw another senior person chatting me up and immediately thought of this guy in terms of letter writers too. He was on the same page as me: "Maybe we should have [famous guy] write a letter...but I'm not sure. Do you think he likes your work?" "I don't know," I said, "I'll need to send him a draft first and feel him out. I'm wary." My mentor replied, "Yeah, so am I. Be careful."

Speaking of my mentor, here is the best thing of all. One night we went to a reception for my old grad school institution. So anyway we went and talked to everybody and so forth, and there was this one lady there who had an iPad. So we were playing with it and admiring it, and my mentor, who had had a couple of beers by then, suddenly said "You know, I just got notice that I have $1500 from the secondary project fund that I have to spend by the end of May, and I can't spend it on salary, it has to be equipment. So how about I get us a couple of iPads with that money?" And I said "Uh, YES, that sounds like a GREAT idea!" and then started jumping up and down. How cool would that be?

Later we went to dinner with some other colleagues and one of my old grad school friends, who has 10-year old twins and she kept talking to me about how much better and better and better it gets, which was super awesome to hear. Seriously.

It has taken a decade of attending conferences but now I finally feel like I'm at a point where I feel like I belong. It's kind of hard to explain.

On another night I got to catch up with one of my very best friends from grad school, who still lives in San Diego, as well as my sister, who is the sweetest person ever. So much fun. Even typing this, that I had fun doing these things, leaves me a little guilty because I feel so guilty for being out of town. Jake says that Nora has been asking for me constantly. Being away is such a huge luxury but the pull to get back home is always very strong, like I'm doing something bad by being gone. And so off I go, now, to get on that plane.

Moments

There were some nice moments this weekend.

Jake and I took some time off Friday night and watched a few episodes of Mad Men. Man, is that show amazing. It felt great to goof around and not work.

My knee has been injured this week, so instead of running on the bike path today, I strapped on my ankle weights and took a 4-mile hike along the lake. It was sunny and beautiful.

Today we spent the whole afternoon at the park by the lake, which is about a 5-minute walk from our house. The kids played in the playground and then we walked to the dock to look for ducks. There were no ducks, but two dogs were playing in the water. Nora and Milo ran through the giant grassy field. Back at the playground, Milo spent a good 20 minutes using small shovels to pour pea gravel into a bucket. The shovels belonged to another kid, Aiden. Later Aiden and his dad, Hiro, pushed Milo around on a trike.

There was a family nearby picnicking on the lawn. That seemed like a nice idea that we should do soon.

Milo gave me many hugs and kisses this weekend.

Yesterday, I thought I heard Nora say "I want to wrestle like a moose!" I said, "You want to wrestle like a moose?!?" She replied, kind of exasperated, "I want to wrestle with a moose!" Like get with the picture, Mom, nobody wants to wrestle like a moose. That'd be crazy!

This afternoon Nora said "I don't like summer. I want summer to go away. I don't want summer to watch me." I said, "Who's summer?" Nora thought for a moment, and then said "This wipe is all dried out!"

Toddlers. You never get a straight answer out of them.

Tomorrow I have to travel, but it'll be okay. There are moments I'm looking forward to.

Like seeing one of my best grad school friends, and the inevitable late night of drinks and confessions that will follow.

And freshly made tortillas, and tamales, and ripe avocados.

And the evening wine hour at my hotel.

I'm looking forward to the slate of interesting talks, and to the feeling of relaxation and looseness that will come the moment that my own talk is over.

And the breakfasts, lunches, and dinners arranged with people I'm excited to see.

I'm also looking forward to the night of margaritas that my mentors have promised me, designed to soothe the savage tenure beast that threatens to destroy my very existence.

Okay, that was way over the top, but there's nothing like an out-of-town night on the town to decompress together after what has been a pretty hellish couple of weeks for everybody.

I See Me

We have some books that we store up high because they're kind of fragile. Tonight Milo and Nora asked to look at them, so I started reading one of the books to Milo while Nora started paging through the other one. Nora kept saying something over and over again and I finally tuned in. She was pointing to something on the front page (the copyright page, not part of the actual book) and saying "This spells, 'I see me'."

Which it did. It was the logo at the bottom of the copyright page.

I asked her "how did you know that?", which is a crazy thing to ask a 2-year old. Of course I didn't get anything out of that, so I asked "Who showed you that?" She said "Daddy."

I asked Jake and he said "I never told her that. We haven't read that book in weeks or months." My guess is that he or somebody else did, a long time ago, and we creaky old grown ups have forgotten, what with our fuzzy memories.

Kids have amazing memories.

Questions

Why do thunderstorms almost always seem to happen at night? I'm sure there is an explanation for this. We get rain in the daytime, but the thunder and lightening almost always waits for night, particularly after midnight.

What is Nora plotting here?

Why is Milo trying to walk down the slide? It had something to do with a ladybug, but it wasn't clear to me.

What on earth is going on here? Yoga? Is Nora praying that I won't make her go to bed?

Today at the park Milo embarrassed me by being a toddleresque jerk. He and Nora were on the merry go round, and another little boy got on with them. This kid was half a year younger than M&N. Milo said, "I don't like that girl." I said, "That's a boy, honey" and Milo said "I don't like that boy." Fortunately the kid was too out of it to have any idea what he was saying, but his PARENTS were right there. I told Milo that it's not polite to say you don't like people, and the kid could be on the merry go round if he wanted, but it seemed like a completely insufficient response to his mean remark. Huh. Come to think of it, I probably should have made Milo apologize after saying that. It didn't occur to me at the time. I was so embarrassed that my mind turned into a complete blank.

Usually Milo is so sweet with the other kids, so I don't know what he had against this random kid.

Today Jake was tickling Nora and she said "Stop harassing me!" Then a bit later Milo tried to give Nora a hug and she said "Let me be!" This kid does not welcome too much touching, that's for sure.

Last night we were eating pasta and Milo said "My pasta is red!" Then he thought for a moment, and said "Actually, it's orange!" Somehow his use of actually just cracks me up.

I have to travel again next week. I leave on Monday and return Thursday night. Poor Jake. Then I'm home for a week and then I have to travel again. After that, no more travel for 6 weeks.

US News & World Report came out today. Our dept. is #1. You'd think that if we were as great as we supposedly are, then we wouldn't be the worst paid group of faculty in the big 10. But we are. So, hmmm. Why is that? And why do I have to go on the market and get another job offer if I ever want to get a raise?

Speaking of which, why is my grad student, who just got hired at a nice state university in a hot deserty state, getting a salary of exactly 10k more that I currently make? It's called compression. I am genuinely glad for him, but ticked off on my own behalf.

In other news, we have this guy on campus whose job it is to communicate our research, awards, contributions, etc. to the public. So he called to see what additional venues he could use to advertise my recent NSF grant, where to get it written up, etc. And the only thing I could think of was, can you get me a spread in my alumni magazine? Because then all the jerks who dumped my ass in college can see how great I am now! Mwah hah hah. Okay, not really. They would probably see it and think "Wow, what a nerd, and boy does she look old, and her front teeth didn't get any smaller in the meantime either, and what's up with that hair?" So maybe it's best to stay away from any alumni news write-ups!

Tenure Vignettes

In the office yesterday:

Me: You know, I'm going to be your first case and I don't really like that.
Mentor: Well --
Newer Colleague: Yeah, I'm glad you're going up before me. You can be the test case for him to prove that he is capable of writing a successful case.
Mentor: Hah!
Me: Well, I don't like the idea of being a test case. What if you're no good at it?
Newer Colleague: Then you'd be screwed!
Me: This sucks. You'd better be good!
Mentor, with authority: I am good.

He better be.

Miscellaneous Bits from a Spring Weekend

I am so demoralized and am tired of waking up at 3 a.m. and breaking into a cold sweat of tenure-related fear, but I tried to enjoy normal life this weekend. I started to realize that putting everything in my life off until tenure is going to be a really bad strategy if I don't get tenure. So maybe I should stop thinking that way and should just enjoy what I have now, come what may.

The department was a grim place on Friday, but the neighborhood was a cheerful place this weekend. It got warmer and warmer through the weekend and culminated in a gorgeous 70 degree afternoon today. I got most of my plants planted, the kids went to the zoo and rode on the carousel, and we spent a lot of time outdoors.

I have ordered my cap & gown for escorting my grad students across the stage next month. It is very exciting. Jake is also graduating and his parents are coming to that, and he is thinking about having a party. Today Jake called up his brother to see if he would come out here for the graduation and the party. Predictably (in my mind), his brother said no, because he's not the kind of guy who likes to do things for other people or adhere to other people's agendas. Instead, he's the kind of guy who decides when he wants to do something or go somewhere, and then he tells Jake to do it, and Jake always goes along. Wanting to please everybody. Jake was sad and disappointed that his brother doesn't want to come to town (he lives about a 4-hour drive away). I feel so bad for him. Jake always does what his family wants, and his family pretty much never does what he wants, and I see how hurtful that is to him.

Jake is always so concerned about pleasing other people that I think it kind of surprises him when other people aren't like that.

I am remembering my own Ph.D. graduation (I didn't bother walking in my master's graduation), and a ton of my family and friends came. Like, actually flew on airplanes to attend, which was so great. I felt very lucky and supported and loved. Graduation coincided with my dissertation defense so it was a giant weekend. Meanwhile, this year I have two Ph.D. students graduating, but they're not defending until June, so there will be quite a separation between the two for them. But they're basically done (all but crossing the t's and dotting the i's), so it's all good.

Today Nora tried an actual real carrot. Didn't like it, but she did eat it. Milo didn't try it, which is a bit of a switch. Milo has developed a bizarrely annoying habit of yelling at the cats, and then cracking up at his own cruelty. By yelling, I mean he'll just excitedly run around going "Aaaaaaaaaaaa!! Ah hah ha ha ha ha ha!"

Nora's latest activity is reading on the potty. Tonight she read an alphabet book for about 15 minutes, identifying all of the letters and the pictures. No luck on the potty front, though.

Here are pictures of Nora, taken when Milo was still napping. Milo naps at least a solid hour longer than Nora every single day. In the video below, my guess is that Nora uses gibberish to explain what the book says because she can't make any sense of it, unlike her own books that have pictures and familiar stories. So this grown-up book is like something in a foreign language to her. Interestingly, Nora really enjoys paging through grown-up books, pretending to read like we do.

Oh My God

I probably shouldn't talk about this. So I won't share the details. Somebody who should have did not get tenure.

I am going on the job market next year.

Phones

I have the dumbest, most ridiculous problem. Our house phone finally bit the dust. I was thinking, maybe we should just ditch the landline and use our cells, but the problem is, neither of us has a cell phone that works in the house. Our nanny's phone doesn't work in the house. My friends' phones don't work in our house. Cell phones don't work in our house. And when it's January and -10 out, I don't want to have to conduct all of my conversations outside. So I am very reluctant to buy a nice cell phone that I may not ever be able to use at home.

So I bought a new landline phone, which we got yesterday, but it turns out we need some sort of DSL filter (not included) to make this phone usable, as right now the static is so crazy you can't hear anything.

So tonight my friend called me on the house phone. She was calling about our other friend, whose tenure decision was today. I haven't heard from my other friend even though she said she would let us know, so I've been wondering. So when my first friend called, I thought, she has news! But I couldn't hear her through the static on my phone! So I said, I'll call you back on the cell. Well, Jake's phone had no bars and no reception. And no battery, so I couldn't use it outside because it needed to be plugged in. So I tried my phone, which is a cheap pay-as-you-go phone, and it had 4 bars outside but I couldn't make any calls because it said "service unavailable"! WTF, phone! I swear, why is it so impossible for me to have a usable phone???

3 different phones, no way to actually talk to somebody on the phone. I ended up pulling our old dying phone out of the garbage and plugging it in and calling my friend that way (thank goodness her number didn't include an 8, since that phone can't dial an 8). And after all that, I only found out that she hasn't heard anything either, and she was just calling to check if I had the news.

So the end result is, if you want to talk to me, call me at the office! Argh!

Crazy spring

It's April 8 and we woke up to snow! And then it proceeded to snow throughout the morning. It's currently 34 degrees with an expected high of 45.

You know what's funny, though, is that it somehow feels warmer than a day exactly like this would have felt two months ago. We had days like this in February, but the difference was that we still had about 2 feet of snow sitting around waiting to melt, and all of the trees were bare. Today it's cold but the grass everywhere is still a vibrant shade of green, and the buds are showing on the trees, and there are daffodils and tulips blooming. Somehow it just seems better, easier, to endure a cold day in April than in February.

I'm still jealous of my NYC friends who have had summer weather this week, though!

Little Things

Today the kids had story time at the library. There is a lady there who runs it whose name is Karen, and Nora seems to love Karen because she talks about her all the time. There is also a guy who helps out called Gorilla Ben. Is he in a gorilla suit? I assume so. Buddy takes them, so I've never been. Today I asked Nora if she could sing a song for me that she learned at story time. She thought for a moment and then started singing "duh duh duh duh...give a little clap!" (Claps hands) "duh duh duh...stomp your feet!" (Stomps feet). She then seemed to get sort of stuck, and declared, "I need to have my shoes on to do it!"

As we were going upstairs to go to bed I was standing in the middle of the gate, inadvertently blocking Milo's way. He waited patiently for a moment, and then he said "EXCUSE ME, Mommy!" That's the first time I've heard him use that phrase to indicate that somebody was blocking his way. Such a polite little guy!

Today for lunch Nora actually ate some rice and chicken (this was an Indian curry dish I'd made). I couldn't believe it. She is really making progress. She has also taken to eating meatballs recently, which is another development. Every step towards eating "real" food is great progress. I still haven't gotten Nora to eat any vegetables that aren't in pureed baby food form, but she did try a tomato, which was something. Baby steps. A while back we were really reaching crisis mode with the kids and meals, so much so that they would cry every time dinner arrived, and it would be a horrible stressful situation. At some point I just deliberately stopped caring about what and whether they ate, and now things are much better. I don't spend much time coaxing either of them to eat stuff. If they don't want to, fine. Dinner is no longer the nightly disaster that it used to be, and of course ironically now that I invest much less into their eating, they both eat better. There are some nights when they basically don't eat. And you know what, I think it's okay. They just eat more the next day at breakfast. Now some nights one or both kids will be so ready for dinner that they'll climb into their seats themselves and demand that the meal starts. What a change!