What I Did on My Summer "Vacation"

It's been a busy summer in the life of your typical tenure-track Mama. Here's what I did:

-- Traveled to Portland with the family for one vacation, and went "up north" to stay at the lake for some R&R for a second weekend trip.

-- Had two weekends by myself when the family took trips without me.

-- Finished and submitted an R&R, got one article rejected, revised it and re-submitted it, got the article accepted.

-- Finished analyzing the data for a second article (writing it now).

-- Completed revisions on a book chapter.

-- Outlined a co-authored article.

-- Hosted two work conferences for out-of-town colleagues.

-- Outlined two books.

-- Went through the big transition with the kids to lose their pacifiers, and I'm happy to say they are now 100% pacifier free (we went cold turkey).

-- Potty trained one child.

-- Traveled to Arkansas to be filmed discussing issues of teaching and learning particular math topics.

-- Finished a major consulting project developing online content for the professional development of Algebra II teachers.

-- Chaired or sat on the committees of 3 dissertations and 3 master's theses.

-- Developed the content for two new mathematics courses for in-service teachers while overseeing the development of the remaining three courses.

-- Received my first royalty check for a book I co-authored.

-- Wrote and submitted two proposals for the American Educational Research Association (AERA).

-- Organized and assigned reviewers to 134 proposals for AERA.

-- Transitioned my children from booster seats with trays to big-kid chairs at the dinner table.

-- Grew my first tomato.

-- Attended 10 project meetings.

-- Watched my children develop the concept of threeness.

-- Walked roughly 168 miles to and from work.

-- Attended one child's birthday party, one grown up's birthday party, a dozen playdates, one baby shower, and cooked dinners for three families with new babies.

-- Had several outings with good friends, ate delicious food, drank excellent wine, watched sailboats at the terrace, and listened to several great bands.

-- Visited countless parks and playgrounds.

-- Had one date with my husband.

You know us professors, we have it so easy, what with our summers "off"! By the way, I did all of this without getting paid a single cent from my institution. Fortunately, I do have national grants providing me with some salary this summer for doing particular research activities, but the month of August has been an unpaid month.

Dancing

Nora and Milo were having a grand old time chasing each other through the house this evening. It is so nice to watch them enjoy each other. Then Nora ran up to Milo in the kitchen, and he just stopped, listening to the song that had come on, and said to Nora, "Shall we dance to the music?" Nora said, "Okay!" and they started dancing.

By the time I started filming they were vamping for the camera, but it's still cute:

Crisis of Confidence

I am having a big crisis of confidence at work. I know that I need to just get over it and move on, and I'm starting to do that, but it is amazing how hard this is.

I am trying to write a paper that I view as my last big important-for-tenure paper. I need to get it accepted for publication before I go up for tenure because I intend to use it as my second "signature paper". This is one of two papers that everybody on the divisional committee will read (that tricky cross-disciplinary committee that keeps denying my colleagues tenure), everybody who has to write me an external letter will read, etc. So it needs to be, in my mind, a very good paper.

Moreover, my first signature paper, which is in review after an R&R in our field's top journal (oh please oh please oh please), is a very social paper. It represents my shift to attending to social processes in the classroom and how they support a particular type of mathematical activity. It is still a pretty mathematical paper, but its social nature represents a shift for me, an expansion beyond what I have done before. I feel like this next paper needs to represent the other side of my research, the highly cognitive side. So this paper is a conceptual analysis of an area of math learning that hasn't really been explored conceptually before. I see it as balancing out the first paper.

The issues are that it's hard to do well, and I am building on two big things. The first is the notion of a conceptual analysis, and I need to write a good enough paper that what I produce stands up to that term. I am afraid that it won't, and people will read it and say "You think that is a conceptual analysis? It is way more shallow than that, and you suck."

The other big thing is that I want to build on this very specific idea that this very smart and famous guy produced a few years back. But I am totally too chicken to really do that. Because I know they'll have him review the paper, and I'm afraid he'll say "You think that what you've done builds on my idea? You totally missed the mark, you completely misinterpreted my idea, and you don't know what you're doing." Lest you think this is just me being hysterical, this is actually completely realistic. In fact last year Famous Guy #2 (who is waaaay smarter than me, way older, an international leader in the field) did build on Famous Guy #1's idea. And Famous Guy #1 totally trashed him in exactly that way. He did say, "You missed the mark entirely, you messed up." So if Famous Guy #2 can't get it right, what makes me think I can?

This is further complicated by the fact that Famous Guy #1 is somebody my mentor is thinking of soliciting for a letter for me. So I can't go and write a crappy paper that incorrectly builds on his idea, now can I?

So, this paper has to a) be very cognitive and mathematical, b) achieve the status of providing a conceptual analysis of a new content area, c) correctly build on famous guy's idea, d) get accepted into a top journal this year, and e) be a "signature example" of what makes my research so awesome, i.e., totally showcase my awesomeness. Which is a hell of a lot of pressure to put on one paper. I am super afraid to write this paper.

That said, I'm just soldiering on, but it is really hard. It is hard and scary. I think I just need to tell myself that even if I don't get this paper accepted, it'll be okay, I could always fall back on a different piece to showcase my work. Just because I want it to be this one doesn't mean that I won't get tenure if it isn't, in the end, this one. But still, gaaaaaah. I have never experienced this much writer's block or serious self doubt in my work, and that is including the dissertation. This is the hardest paper I've ever had to write.

I have no idea why I overused the word "totally" so much in this post.

Sticker Shock

I just bought beds, a dresser, a night stand, a small bookcase/nightstand, a medium bookcase, and some canvas storage bins for Milo and Nora. Furniture won't ship for a few weeks, so there is still time to buy:

-- Bedding

-- Mattresses (I'm thinking of buying organic without the cancer-causing chemicals or flame retardants)

-- Comforters or quilts

-- Rugs?

-- A light for Milo

-- A nightlight for Nora

-- Wall decor? (But they seem to hate pictures)

Whose room gets the glider? What other things for outfitting a kid's room am I forgetting? I'm sure quite a bit. We already have a dresser for Nora and an old bookcase that I intend to paint for her. I was thinking maybe I would include Nora in deciding what kind of sheets and comforter she would like -- maybe I'll take her to the store with me. I already know that Milo would LOVE construction vehicle sheets, but I'm not quite sure what Nora would like.

This means we have to get rid of our futon, and find some place to put my desk and office things. Eventually I will use the sunroom off of our living room as my office, but right now it is the kids' playroom and I don't want them to lose that quite yet, as they are still too young. So I'll just be without an office for a year or two, which is a drag but will hopefully be okay as I tend to do most of my work on the sofa anyway.

Overwhelming! In just a month or so, they will be in their own rooms in big-kid beds!

(Why yes, I did find both of them climbing out of their cribs tonight, why do you ask?)

Cranky Pants

Well, Nora didn't have any successes in the potty today and just had accidents in her underwear. She didn't seem to have good feelings about the potty, so we're all done for now. It's back into diapers tomorrow. Meanwhile, Milo soldiers on. He's still doing a terrific job. I think Milo has the ability to sit down on the potty and deliberately relax in order to pee, and Nora can't do that yet. She can hold it, but she can't pee on command.

I also think the potty stuff has been upsetting her because she has gotten crankier and crankier over the past couple of days. Tonight she was an absolute bear. She just insisted on arguing with me over and over and over again. It's nuts. I hate to think what she'll be like when she is actually capable of arguing. She will not let it go! For instance, before bed she wanted to stand on a stool and try to touch the ceiling. I said no, and it's too dangerous, and she could fall, so no. And then she just can't let it go:

Nora: But I want to! I need a stool!

Me: I said no. Do you want to read a book with me? (Lame attempt at distraction)

Nora: Stool! Stool!

Me: Oooo, Milo, look at that train you're building! (Deliberate ignoring)

Nora: But I need something to stand on! I want to stand on a stool! I want to stand on a stool!

Me: (Gazes off into the distance and ignores)

Nora: Stool, Mommy! Stool! Mommy, I need a stool to stand on! I want one! (Getting teary)

Me: Nora, I said no. I'm not going to discuss it with you.

Nora: (Yelling) BUT I NEED A STOOL TO STAND ON! STOOL! STOOL! STOOL!

Jake: Oooo, do we have our own copy of Victor Vito? Look at that, we have a Victor Vito CD, should we play it? (Lame attempt at distraction)

Nora: I WANT A STOOL TO STAND ON MOMMY! I don't want to stand on the floor! But I don't want to! But I need something to stand on! I need something! I need a stool to stand on! I need it Mommy! But I want a stool!

Me: Nora, you seem to be operating under the false assumption that you are allowed to continue an argument with me after I have made my decision. Once I have decided, it is no longer up for discussion.

Nora: Don't use that word! Don't say that!

Me and Jake: (Trying not to laugh)

Nora: STOP LAUGHING! But I don't want to stand on the floor! I need a stool!

On, and on, and on, and on. Seriously, she doesn't give up. And once I say no I NEVER change my mind and give in. Even I'm not that dumb. I'm not going to give her the impression that all of this insane toddler-esque arguing actually works. Eventually I told her I was leaving the room and I would be back when she was done arguing.

Arguing with a toddler is like arguing with a crazy person. They don't follow the rules at all. It's like if I'm having an argument about whether we should put lights on the bike path in order to make it safer for people, and I say "As somebody who walks on the path after dark I would feel safer with it lighted, especially after the attacks on the path over the past year." And then the other person will respond, "But the sky is blue in the summer!!!" and then look at me expectantly, as if that disconnected statement has trumped everything and clearly won the argument. And then I'm all, uh, wait, what? And then the other person starts crying angrily and hurling random objects at my head.

I don't even want to think about what it's going to be like when Nora is actually capable of deductive reasoning and logical inference, and can formulate a real argument.

Conversation

At breakfast this morning, after Jake had already gone to work:

Milo: I'd like Daddy to hold me.
Me: You love Daddy, don't you.
Milo: Yeah. Do I love trees?
Me: I don't know, do you?
Milo: Oh yeah. It's really beautiful outside!

Potty Training Day 3

This morning I took Nora to the doctor to have a look at her rash. It isn't yeast, and the doctor wasn't really able to diagnose it or get a good culture. So we have another prescription cream, this time for eczema-like issues, even though it's not eczema. She said that Nora should see a pediatric dermatologist and when I tried to get an appointment, they won't see her until Sept. 26, 5 weeks from now. Thanks, HMO.

So we have to wait until the end of the week to let it continue to get worse, and then Nora's doctor will intervene to try to get an earlier appointment with the dermatologist. If this system sounds stupid and like we are needlessly causing Nora extra days of discomfort for no good reason, that's because we are. I guess I'll see how it goes with the new cream, though.

Milo is continuing to do a great job with the potty and Nora only peed in the potty once today. She held it for hours before that. This evening, though, she peed on the floor twice, huge amounts. It is obvious she has control to hold it, but for some reason does not want to pee in the potty. Maybe this is due to her rash, but she hasn't been complaining about it and seems to be happy sitting on the big toilet on her own volition (but just not peeing in it). So I think we'll give it one more day and if she doesn't improve, we'll give up and try again in a couple of months.

I kind of wonder if, in this case, cloth diapers is going to be kind of a drawback when it comes to potty training. The kids are totally used to the feeling of a wet cloth diaper on them. That is probably not any different from the feeling of wet underwear. So to them, it'd probably feel "normal" to wet their pants.

To be honest the kids are wearing me out right now. I am finding it hard to divide my attention between them and the beginning of the school year and my attempts to grasp enough time to finish my current article. I feel like the need to continue the big last-chance-before-tenure publishing push is competing with the need to focus heavily on the kids right now, who are both in intense and needy stages for various reasons of their own.

I feel like I need to be stronger and just keep barreling forward for just one more year or so...things will get easier, the kids will not always be two, I will not always be gazing at the upcoming tenure process...

At some point, in a year or two, things are going to ease up.

Potty Training Day 2

Milo has had a great time with the potty training! He hasn't had a single accident in 2 days! When he feels like he needs to go, he just runs to the potty to pee, all on his own. He loves our happy dance and is just so happy to please. Given Milo's historical complete lack of interest in all things potty related, I am totally surprised at how completely he has taken to it so far.

This is yet another situation in which if I'd only had one child, and that child was Milo, I would be a completely insufferable parent. "What do you mean, your baby doesn't sleep through the night? What do you mean, your toddler won't eat vegetables? All you have to do is be firm and consistent and it'll all work out!" Thank goodness I have Nora to take me down about 500 notches.

Nora has had a fair amount of success on the potty too. She has pooped in the potty twice, and she seems to find it easier to poop in the potty than pee. She peed once on the big toilet today, but that was it. Other times it was obvious Nora had to go, and she kept leaking and having mini accidents, and she would sit on the potty for about 0.5 seconds, but then pop back up again, not able to let herself just pee. I kind of think that part of what makes this hard for Nora is that if she knows that there is something I WANT her to do, this makes it very hard for her to do it. Her need for control and power is so strong. So is mine. It is the perfect set-up for a never-ending power struggle between parent and child and so, being the adult here, it is on my shoulders to not let that happen. Which means I need to back off, back off, and back off some more when it comes to Nora and let her find her own way. Also, to make it totally non-emotional and boring.

I realized this halfway through the day so I am not encouraging/cajoling her to sit on the potty. She knows the drill, and I know she has to be willing participate for this to work. The potty is there, and she is naked.

She did pee on my shoes today. So, that was fun.

I will be interested to see how she does tomorrow with Buddy in charge, rather than me. Another complicating factor is that Nora has what I thought was a yeast-based rash but despite two full days of nakedness and 3 days of prescription cream from the doctor, it is actually growing and spreading instead of getting better. So perhaps this is affecting Nora's feelings about the potty? We'll see what the doctor says tomorrow. The rash is on her thighs where she sits on the potty, so I wonder if it is uncomfortable for her to sit like that, especially if it is tender and itchy.

Potty Training Day 1

The twins are 2 years, 8 months old. Today was our first day of hard-core potty training, after a year of sitting them on the potties regularly with very little outcome from that. (They just couldn't be bothered).

We have hardwood floors, which makes it easier for me to accept the idea of accidents and giant puddles on the floor. We can just wipe it up. Last night we rolled up our rugs and stored them away. I also folded up thick blankets and put them on the sofas to provide a little protection to the cushions. Then today we had them naked all day long from the waist down. Half the time, they were completely naked, finding that to be a great treat.

I didn't really do a whole lot of reading or preparing for this. I had found some advice somewhere for 3-day potty training that suggests you have the kids totally naked from the waist down for 3 straight days, keeping them at home obviously. Then, depending on how they do, you can start to take them out for short trips. But they should stay naked at home for a long time -- I think the suggestion was 3 months, which doesn't seem realistic to me, but we could certainly have them in loose clothes on the bottom without any underwear. I think the idea is that being naked really tunes them in to when they're about to have an accident, or actually having one, whereas if they've got underwear on, it might feel too much like a diaper and they might forget.

So anyway, for their first day, they did great! We had the little potties on the main floor in the living room. Nora pooped in the potty in the morning, and she peed in the big toilet before her nap, and peed in the potty in the evening. Milo peed in the potty several times and didn't poop at all. Milo didn't have any accidents at all. Nora only had one, which occurred when they were outside in the back patio playing with a giant bucket of water. So, in the midst of all that water, Nora found herself peeing onto the concrete, which isn't all that surprising and is also pretty much the best case scenario for an accident.

Each time either kid got the feeling that it was time to pee or poop, he or she would run to the potty. So they clearly can anticipate it ahead of time. Both kids were very, very excited about their successes. We rewarded them by getting very excited and doing a happy dance, which they loved, and also with stickers. They certainly seemed to care more about the happy dance.

Early in the morning when we were starting off, both kids would say that they needed a diaper, which told me that they needed to go. But by the end of the day they weren't talking about needing a diaper, and they were just running to the potties to go. Hooray!

The other thing we did was get them to drink a ton so that they would have to pee a lot. I accomplished this by buying apple juice. Juice isn't something I buy for them at home, but they know about it from being at other people's houses or parties. And they love juice. Juice is like toddler crack. So I bought some apple juice and this was a very exciting treat for them. I gave them diluted juice throughout the day, which had them needing to pee periodically, so they got a lot of good potty practice.

So, all in all, I am happy with Day 1. I hope tomorrow goes as well. We will still put them in diapers for sleeping, especially since they're not in beds yet, but maybe this will be the beginning of the end when it comes to washing diapers.

Random excerpt: Tonight after dinner we had blueberries for dessert, and the kids weren't all that into them. Jake said, "You know, when I was a kid, fresh blueberries was very special and we almost never got to have them." Nora retorted, "When I'm grown up, I'm going to PICK the blueberries and I can be the boss!" She told him all right!

Ossm

Tonight at dinner, we were having a conversation about how Milo woke up four (4) times last night.

Jake: Why did you keep waking up last night, Milo?

Milo: (Silent, thinking for a minute) Hmm. That's a good question!

The entertainment value of kids just can't be overestimated.

Signs That You're Cracking Up

My fantasy thinking goes something like this: if I got hit by a bus, not in a really bad way, but maybe some minor injuries that require me to spend several nights in a hospital for observation, then I could sleep. That's all I need. Just a few nights of recuperation from minor bus injuries in the hospital.

But then I remember, you never get any sleep in a hospital anyway, because they're constantly waking you up throughout the night to take your blood pressure and draw blood and stuff. So the bus/hospital idea wouldn't really pan out.

I'm so bad at getting sleep, I can't even properly fantasize about it.

Not Ready, Part II

I hate how the arrival of August always seems to indicate "SCHOOL IS COMING, SUMMER'S BASICALLY OVER" when it's just barely August! I mean, around here, schools don't start until September (including my university), so basically August means the last full month of summer. It is still summer, darn it! Stop acting like it's already school season!

I haven't achieved all of my summer goals yet. I just finished my final round of data analysis for my Last Big Tenure Paper (tm), i.e. signature paper #2. I haven't even written it yet. I think my goal was going to be to submit it by Sept. 1, but more realistically it'll be around Sept. 15 or Oct. 1. Not a disaster.

It has been harder to be productive this summer than I'd anticipated because I spent so much of it sick, and struggling to get enough rest. I am less productive when I'm tired (duh). Both kids currently have colds again, but it seems to be mild for them. I am hoping I don't get it this time, because I feel like I can't afford to get sick yet again.

I have been running more often through the summer, and that has been really nice. Sometimes I even run in the mornings before work because work meetings have been few and far between. Then I can just drive to work and make up the time I lost running. Tonight I went running after the kids went to bed, because I badly needed to get out after a frustrating day in which Nora refused her nap, cried for ages, and then was incredibly cranky and difficult for the rest of the night. If it weren't for the darkness issue I'd run at night all the time. For the first time in ages I actually got to the point at which I felt good and like I could keep going forever.

When I got back home at 8:45, both kids were still awake and putting up a fuss. Sigh.

Exercise is necessary to keep me sane but it hasn't helped my body budge from my apparently new weight set point. I have been diligently working on that without much "slipping" for, oh, over a year now. So I think it is time to face the fact that this might just be the new equilibrium, like it or not, barring something extreme. And the only extreme yet healthy thing I can imagine would be some intense training regimen, and that just isn't fitting in with my life right now and the need to get tenure and be a present mom. (I do either walk or run at least 3 miles a day, every day, so it's not like I'm sedentary, but still...pretty lame). One thing that is important to help me accept this and not constantly beat myself up about it is to only buy and wear clothes that actually fit and flatter my body. My current body, not the body I wish I had. So that is what I am doing. I am not the same size that I was in graduate school. This is something to just accept, I guess...

Technology has been helping me gear up for fall. Two free and awesome programs have been making my life easier. One is dropbox, which is like a folder where you can virtually store stuff and synch it to every computer. It appears like a normal folder on your computer and when I save a document there on my work computer, it automatically shows up on my laptop at home and on my iPad as well. This is great for working on the same stuff from work and home without having to constantly email files to myself.

The other is Mendeley, which is a citation index but is also a way to store and organize your PDF journal articles. You can also import cites from the web and from lots of different databases (but not ERIC yet), and most exciting, this program resides on both my laptop and my desktop and again can be synched via the web. Not only that, but you can share citations and papers with others, which is very handy. Unlike Endnote, it's free (up to a point). I was never able to get into Endnote for some reason, but I am loving Mendeley. The way I used to keep track of my citations was embarrassingly old school, so it was time to step it up.

Now I just need to find a good qualitative data analysis program like nVivo that actually works on a Mac, because I just don't want to deal with PCs.

We are going to try potty training this weekend, serious hard core (rolling up the rugs). Oh my! I am not sure how this will work, or if it'll work, but it's worth a try. Added motivation is the fact that poor Nora has a terrible yeast diaper rash -- she desperately needs naked time. Naked time, here we come.

Not Ready

Put the kids to bed, then heard a commotion a few minutes later and walked in to find Nora climbing out of her crib.

Shopping for twin beds right now.

Which means sheets, and quilts, and pillows, and separating them into 2 rooms, and losing my office, and additional bedroom furniture...

Our Dumb Sweet Cat

We have this cat, Caspian, who is the sweetest cat you'll ever meet. He is huge (as in tall) and he acts more like a dog than a cat sometimes. He'll follow you around, he loves to cuddle, if there's a lap, he's on it. He has never once bitten or scratched anybody. This is really saying something given how Milo has tried to abuse him over the years, complete with body slamming him in his attempt to "hug". There have been times when Milo has actually hurt Caspian before I was able to get to him and tear him off, and all Caspian does when that happens is meow in pain. He never, ever defends himself. He is one seriously sweet cat.

Caspian likes all people and when Jake isn't around he'll cuddle up to me any time I sit down. But really, he's Jake's cat. This cat adores Jake.

Anyway, the one downside to Caspian is that he is a really dumb cat. For instance, when we put the baby gate up on the stairs, it took him about 6 months to realize that he could actually easily jump over the gate. This is after 6 months of watching our other, smaller cat do it every day.

The other annoying thing is that Caspian begs to eat, just like a dog, when it is meal time. I feed the cats twice a day and when it gets to be about that time, Caspian is all over me, weaving around my legs, meowing pitifully, excitedly jumping up and starting to run downstairs as soon as it looks like I'm about to get up. Which is fine, and then I'll go and feed him. But the annoying part is that Caspian then tends to forget that he has already been fed. So if I happen to still be home about an hour later, he will start the whole routine all over again, totally forgetting that he actually still has food in his bowl. And I'll say, exasperated, "Caspian, I already fed you!" but because he's a cat, he doesn't understand. And I have to literally walk downstairs with him, to his bowl, and then he'll suddenly remember, oh yeah, there's already food in my bowl, and I can totally eat some more right now! Score!

It's Back

Nora's reflux was back last night. Poor thing. She hasn't woken with this in ages, maybe it's been a year or so? But last night it was back and she was in a lot of pain, burping and coughing just like Jake does when he has reflux. After she burped she would cry and complain that her nose hurt. Jake said that when he has reflux, those burps bring up acid and phlegm and I can imagine that would sting and just feel terrible.

When I recently took the kids to the doctor for a check-up I asked her about keeping Nora on Prevacid for her reflux. Prevacid is the more serious medication for it, and long-term use of it has shown a loss of bone density. That's in adults. There haven't been enough kids on it to do a study on kids, but it wouldn't be surprising. Given that potential concern and the fact that Nora seemed better, her doctor suggested we experiment with cutting back her dosage to see how she would do. So I cut it back a little bit, not a lot, but then tonight happened. So I guess it is still an issue for her.

She couldn't really fall asleep until 4:30 a.m. At one point I was in the nursery with her, sitting on the chair next to her crib, and she was sleeping sitting up. Little hands wrapped around the bars to keep herself upright. It hurt her to lie down, but she was so tired. I propped her up with me on the sofa until she fell really good and asleep, and then she was able to get a few hours.

Food These Days

So my philosophy with food now is to follow that Child of Mine idea, in which the parent's responsibility is what, when, and where, and the child is in control of whether and how much. At first it was hard to totally back off of trying to encourage, cajole, reward, or otherwise force the kids to eat. But backing off entirely from that has totally changed mealtime. It is about 100 times better now. They no longer resist sitting down to meals, and instead enjoy it. I no longer try to get them to eat "one more bite" of whatever, or try to bribe them to eat particular foods with the promise of dessert.

Yes, there are some meals when Nora will eat next to nothing. But I just grit my teeth, do nothing, and know that she will probably eat more at the next meal, which she does. When she says "I don't like this" or "I don't want to eat", I just say, "That's okay, you don't have to eat. But you do have to sit with us at dinner." And then she inevitably eats. I think she was testing whether she really does have control over whether she eats. Recognizing that the control is in her hands, she goes ahead and eats.

Dessert is not an every night occurrence. I don't want them to think of it as the natural end to a meal. I do tend to pull it out, ironically, on those nights when Nora has eaten very little. Then I console myself with the calories she is getting from that bowl of ice cream. On nights when she eats a good meal, I tend not to bring out the dessert much.

So there is another trend now to sneak vegetables into kids' foods. Some people are against this because they think that vegetables should be a normal, not hidden, part of kids' lives and meals. I agree totally, but my opinion is, why can't I include vegetables with meals, offer it all the time, and sneak it in? So, I do both.

For instance, tonight our dinner was fajitas with roasted onions and green peppers, rice and black beans, corn tortillas, fresh tomatoes, cilantro, and chipotle peppers. I gave the kids the rice and beans, green peppers, onions, and tomatoes. I also gave them some meatballs (which Jake and I don't eat but is great for the incredible calories they pack), as well as some bread with peanut butter. My idea is to give them the adult food that we eat every night, but also give them one or two items on their plates that aren't new and that I know they like. So I didn't make any mention of whether or what they should eat on their plates, I just offered it all to them.

Milo ate the rice and beans, tortilla, green peppers, tomatoes, and meatballs. He also licked the peanut butter off his bread. He tasted the onions but didn't eat them.

Nora picked all of the black beans out of her rice and ate them one by one. She ate one bite of her bread with peanut butter. She ate one or two bites of her meatball. She then surprised me by eating the rice. She also surprised me by taking a bite of her green pepper, because she saw Milo eating it. She then spit it out, but I was happy that she tried it. She didn't touch the tomatoes or onions.

We always close the meal with fruit, their favorite thing ever. Tonight it was grapes and kiwi.

I am starting to sneak vegetables into their foods more and more, because vegetables are one thing that Nora pretty much doesn't eat at all. So this afternoon for snack I made them a smoothie, which I often do, with yogurt and milk and fruit and some honey, but today I also put in some frozen spinach. And lo and behold they loved it. Another thing I like to do is make them "red" or "green" mac 'n cheese. I make homemade mac 'n cheese for them, the very high calorie kind with butter, a white sauce from a roux, and mascarpone or cream cheese, cheddar, and mozzarella cheese. (It is delicious). Then I will also take some roasted red peppers or some fresh wilted spinach, and then puree those in the food processor and mix it into the sauce. Both kids like that kind of pasta, so I figure, it's a start.

Breads, muffins, etc. with vegetables have been less successful so far.

It's definitely hard to keep my mouth shut about what they're eating, but I don't think that they're actually eating any less as a result of doing it this way. They seem to be eating a little more, if anything.

One last thing. This woman is a genius and I identify with every single part of this post.

Office Envy

I have a serious case of office envy.

Our university has a number of rich donors, like every university, and one of these families is strongly connected to the school of education. They have given the school of education a lot of money over the years in the form of scholarships, endowed chairs, etc. They also gave the school money to re-build our major education building, the one that sits on the heart of campus, up on the hill, right on the quad, next to all of the other old, beautiful buildings.

So anyhoo, the university re-built this building and now most of the departments of the school of education are moving into it. Not ours, though. Our department is staying right here, in our crappy, 60s building on an ugly street, with 11-inch wide windows to protect its occupants from bombs and civil unrest. I dislike our building and I dislike my tiny, cramped office with no view. We did have the chance to move into the new education building, but our department declined because many have primo parking spots and they don't want to give those up. Plus, half of the offices in our building were re-vamped and made into larger, prettier offices. Not mine, though.

So, my friend from another department moved into the new education building last week and today I headed on over there for our weekly lunch together. And oh my God! Her office! It is huge and it has a view of the lake! And it overlooks the terrace with picnic tables and gathering spots, where we ate lunch! And her building has a cafe right inside the building, and a giant fireplace with giant comfy arm chairs for reading and conversation! Nyaaarrrgh, that's the sound of me eating my heart out!

When I dreamt about becoming a professor, I was highly influenced by the novel "The Small Room" by May Sarton. In this story the protagonist is a professor at a small liberal arts college somewhere in the northeast. People wander about the quad, wear knee-high socks, and picnic under the giant trees. It is this type of environment I imagined -- an old, dusty office in an ivy-covered building that looks out upon the quad. In the summer I would see people playing frisbee, and in the fall the open window would bring a crispness to the air and I would gaze upon the changing leaves falling from the trees. Students would come have tea in my office and discuss Big Ideas. There would be an arm chair. Wooden bookcases. A tile floor. A chalkboard.

Sounds idyllic, but such is not my office fate. Fortunately, I can wander over to the nice building and stroll about the quad and watch the students and see the leaves change any time I want.

Community

I walked home from work as I do every Friday, but this evening as I got to my block I saw that my neighbors were out on the porch with their brand new, 2-day old baby. Woo hoo! So I had to stop and hold that gorgeous baby, and a couple of other neighbors were there too, so we chatted and talked about babies and induction and being tired.

I do think it would be nice to have a couple more kids. Four kids would be a nice number. Four is so...friendly. It's a big old group of kids. A gaggle of kids. Four kids would make for lively Christmases. Four would be so nice!

My neighbors keep trying to convince me that it would be a good idea to have another baby but we're not going there. We can't do it, for a lot of reasons, so my two is enough. Plus, while the idea of four kids sounds pretty nice, the idea of even one more baby does not sound all that nice. Although, come to think of it, having just one baby seems like it would be kind of sweet, but...no. No more children for us.

As I sat talking with the neighbors I thought, I need to get home, Jake is going to wonder where I am. But then Milo came running out of my neighbor's house, and then followed Nora and Jake. Turns out they were there too, playing with their friend Millie, who is their age. Milo had Millie's shopping cart and he suggested that the new baby would like to perhaps take a ride in the cart. "And that's why 2-year olds don't babysit," mentioned our neighbor. "I'm sure in about a year he's going to love riding in that cart," remarked his mother. Milo grinned and hopped down the steps to the yard.

Since we can't have a big old gaggle of kids sometimes I wish Milo and Nora had cousins in the same town (they're all the way across the country), or something, something to make it more of a big family feeling.

But we do have a big extended family feeling in the neighborhood, and that is a really, really nice thing to have. They'll take each other's kids after school, the kids wander into one another's houses, they share toys and clothes. I know which kids belong to which parents but if you just wandered into our neighborhood it would be very hard to tell because at any given time any one parent is likely to have his or her kids plus any number of extras. This is community, and it's definitely something I felt shut out of before we had children, but now it has opened up.

Milo and Nora love playing with Millie, so she can drop by any time when her parents need a break and some extra time with their newborn. At this stage, one extra doesn't really make a difference. So yes, it'll just be our two, but at least we live on a block with many, many more to pop in any time of the day.

Gear Ring

Holy cow! Anybody who knows about my dissertation study would know why I think this ring is so cool:

The gears actually turn! I'll have to forward this to Jake, seeing as how my birthday is only, eh, 11 months away.

Duct Tape

I need to locate it, pronto.

I have had it up to here with waking up to a naked kid and shit all over the crib, blankets, wall...

Life is so glamorous.

The Ordinary

This afternoon it was hot, 89 degrees, so we went to the splash park. Above Milo and Nora are snacking on some grapes before getting ready to run back into the fountains. It's a great place to visit. I love the idea of playing in water without constantly worrying that they are going to drown.

But then as we were getting ready to go something extra special happened. A helicopter started flying around, and then it got lower and lower, and then it actually landed in the park! It turns out the city was having a little safety fair or something and so the kids got to climb into an honest to goodness fire engine, as well as the helicopter! Maybe I should have backed up a little in that 3rd picture to show that they were actually sitting in a fire engine, but that's what it was. It was very exciting.

When we got home and Jake arrived, Milo said, "How was your day Daddy? Did you crunch numbers? I got in a helicopter!"

Kids are Funny

Funny things the kids say:

Milo: "Mommy and Daddy stop talking. I'm trying to have a conversation!"

Nora: "I would like meatball. And I'll have a glass of orange juice on the side!" (Nora has never to my knowledge consumed orange juice.)

Nora: "I love you Mommy. And I love strawberries!"

Milo: "How was your run Mommy? Did you have a good run?" (I don't know why this is funny, just that it is such a grown-up way to have a conversation and it sounds funny coming out of his two-year old mouth.)

Milo: "Do I eat ant poop?"

Nora to Milo: "You're not the boss here!"

Milo: "I am the boss!"

Me: "Millie's Mommy is having her baby today! She is going to the hospital and the baby is going to come out of her tummy!"

Nora: "Did she bump her head?"

(Because that's why you go to the hospital)

Milo: "Are you a kid, Daddy?"

Jake: "I'm a grown up."

Milo: "You can snap your fingers!"

Jake: "And drive a car!"

(You can tell from this exchange what is most salient about being grown-up to each person)

You May be a Female Professor If...

-- You have been actively leading a large group of colleagues on a complicated project for the past 7 months and then get to hear somebody in a different department reference this project as "Spearheaded by Professor Greybeard", a member of your team who has been largely absent from the process and has nothing to do with leading it.

-- Your local school district bureaucrat addresses letters to you as "Ms. Lastname", while simultaneously sending out an identical letter to your mentor addressed to "Dr. Mentordude".

-- Your students refer to you by your first name, and refer to your male colleague as "Professor Lastname". Bonus points for the random emails you get from prospective students addressed to you as "Mrs. Lastname".

-- Your work is attributed to your male colleague, as in, "Well in that study that Male Colleague did...", when it was actually your study.

-- You and your male colleague collaborate on a consulting project for an independent firm. You send an email to the contact person with a question that you and your colleague have about the project. No response. You wait a few days and send out another email. No response. You try a 3rd time, and no response. You give in and ask your colleague to email the contact person. He does, and gets a response within the hour.

-- You try to chalk this up to coincidence, but it happens over and over again. It happens so regularly that your colleague starts to joke that it is his manliness that gets quick responses.

-- A senior professor in your college finds out that you have children and casually refers to you as being "risky" for having done that before tenure. She does this in front of a group of people, one who happens to be your friend, an untenured male who recently had a baby. His actions aren't described as "risky". The senior professor does, however, coo over cute pictures of your friend's unrisky baby.

-- Visitors to your suite assume that you are the secretary. Putting your title on your door doesn't seem to do anything to change that assumption.

-- When you answer your own phone, the caller asks to speak to the professor.

-- When you are at a professional function with your colleague, a visitor assumes that you are the wife of your colleague and not a professor.

-- You (a secondary content specialist) are at a function with your male colleague (an early childhood, elementary specialist). Everybody at the function keeps referring to you as the early childhood specialist and your colleague as the content specialist.

-- After six years of serving on the same committee with the same set of mathematicians who know you well, they still ask you what you do with elementary teachers, despite having been reminded a dozen times a year that you run the secondary program and have nothing to do with elementary education.

-- You meet somebody new at a conference who has read your papers. He tells you, "I thought for sure that this paper had been written by a man."

-- Any time you are in a working group, you are asked to take notes for the group.

Just a snapshot of my summer!

I know I have it way, way better than some of my friends in other fields. My field is pretty small so as a result, I am mostly known. People know who I am and what I do and what I write about. The smallness of our field means that these kinds of things happen a lot less than they might otherwise, because mostly we are familiar with one another. I would describe most of the things I put up with as generally benign. It could be a lot worse, like some of the stuff that happened to me when I was an undergrad in a math dept.

I think it'll be interesting to see how my responses to stuff may change after tenure. Right now somebody can do practically anything to me and I'm not going to react or put up a fuss because tenure is coming up. I don't want to offend anybody, ever. It'll be interesting to see if, and how, that may change.

************

This week I am thrilled because I looked on my calendar and saw that I have no meetings all week! So I decided to refuse any new meeting requests that might come up and work from home all week, doing nothing except writing (okay, and some service tasks, and one critical advising task). Seeing as how I'm not getting paid this month, it seems fitting to avoid meetings and try to focus more on my own work -- if I were smarter, I'd figure out how to pull this off for an entire month instead of just a week.

Disturbing

A little disturbing: Going into the kids' room this morning and finding them both naked from the waist down.

More disturbing: Finding a smear on Milo's crib sheet that looks suspiciously like he used it to wipe his bottom.

Even more disturbing: Finding a little turd sitting on the floor.

Especially disturbing: I had stepped on it.

Really especially disturbing: Barefoot.

Most disturbing: The nagging fear that I didn't find it all, and there must be more somewhere lurking in the corner...just waiting for me to step on it.

I Don't Want To Be Betty

Monday I was so tired. Saturday night was an up-all-night kind of night with Nora having a stomach ache. I find that after a sleepless night I'm usually okay the next day, running on adrenaline, but two days later I collapse. So Monday was a hard day. My mentor and I had a collaborator in town for a two-day work session as we outlined a book (I am writing two books this year with collaborators). So I was at the office by 9, then we worked until 4, then I read a dissertation from 4 to 6, then we took our collaborator out to dinner. Got home by 9 p.m., and then finished reading the dissertation by 10:30 and I was done for the day.

So at that point, it'd be logical to go to sleep. All through dinner I was struggling, and my mentor kept saying "you look tired" and "you must be exhausted". But I think once you get to a certain stage of tired, you just can't shut down, or at least I can't, so I was awake until about 2:30 a.m.

What is wrong with me?!?

Slept until 4:20 a.m. at which point Milo woke up. Back to sleep at 5, kids were up for good at 6:30. So, today was another long, tired day.

Back home this evening, I was cooking dinner when the kids arrived home with Buddy. They'd been swimming in the lake. They were either over tired or over hungry, because they were cranky. Nora kept whining for me to hold her. Milo kept making this frustrated noise that grates on my nerves like you wouldn't believe. It goes something like this: Huuuuaaaaaahhhhhh! At dinner, both kids were whiny and petulant and uncooperative. I had made linguini with tomatoes, basil, and fresh mozzarella, all things that they like. They had chicken, and bread. Nora spent the entire dinner whining and then crying and then pitching a fit because I wouldn't give her jelly or peanut butter on her bread. (My policy is no short-order cooking, so what's on the plate is what they get, period. There is always at least one thing, usually more, on their plates that they like and are guaranteed to eat. They can have as many servings as they desire, but I won't make new things just because they don't feel like eating what's there.)

Milo kept trying to put his feet on the table. Nora kept trying to pitch a fit and she refused to eat. And you know what, I was pissed. I was cranky myself. So tired, and not in the mood to deal with it. To be honest, I really wanted to yell. I really wanted to yell at them.

But I didn't, because I don't want to be like Betty Draper. So I distracted them and devised a silly game with them and made them forget their bad moods, and then they started to eat without realizing they were eating, and then they cheered up, and we got through dinner without any disasters. (And I did not give in on the short order cooking thing).

Other nights I will probably mess up and lose control of myself and yell at the kids. I'm a very verbal person and yelling is how I express my anger, especially when I'm sleep deprived. I'll inevitably lose it, I'm sure, and then feel guilty about it. Like a terrible mom, which is sometimes how I feel. Like, I keep thinking I should be better at this. It should be easier for me. It should be more natural. The way it seems to be for other people. But at least sometimes I'm able to do the right thing, and can keep it under control even though I've reached the end of my rope. And tonight I'm proud of that.

Bonus picture: Milo insisting on using the vacuum. A decade from now when I'm trying to get him to do his chores I'll remind him that he used to demand to use my vacuum!

Back

I was feeling very pissy about traveling up north with the kids but that was silly because they love it up there. The minute they hopped out of the car they were literally bouncing around with excitement and joy. All of the things that scared them last year, like the dog, are now sources of delight.

Jake's parents' house is basically the perfect grandparent heaven for a couple of kids. It's got a lake, woods, boats, a dock, and all kinds of things to explore. They have a little play kitchen, and a sand box, and a lot of Jake's old toys, and other random things that they've picked up from garage sales and such. Nora loves that kitchen and Milo adores the sand box. They both got about 800 mosquito bites but never wanted to go inside.

We also took a boat ride, and went swimming, and ate all kinds of new foods (Nora actually ate tomatoes, and spaghetti, and Milo ate a ton of sushi one afternoon). Being up there sort of feels like being at camp -- the house is basically a cabin, and they usually have a bonfire at night, and you can sit outside and listen to the loons and watch the water.

Most people go to this location for a week or two in the summer, and most of the houses on the lake are summer cabins. Jake's family lived there year round, and this was their full-time home. He had a childhood that was different from most of us who grew up in suburbia. His brother rode a snowmobile to school in the winters.

Tonight after we got home we had a nice dinner and then while I was washing dishes Milo climbed on a chair, fell off of it, and gashed the corner of his eye. Jake and I were so freaked out and trying to see how bad the cut was that this scared Milo and he cried for a long time. I didn't know if we should take him to the hospital to get a stitch. The gash is about a centimeter long and the eye itself is fine, but I guess the fact that it is on his face has me worried that he will get a weird-looking scar. It was a deep gash. If he had the same type of cut anywhere else on his body, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. Anyway, we decided it was silly to go to the hospital for something that probably doesn't need stitches, but still, I feel bad. I swear Milo is so danger prone. He has no fear at all and currently he has not only that nasty gash, but a ton of bruises, cuts, and scrapes on his legs, plus all of the mosquito bites -- he's a mess.

Nora is a little more cautious and so she gets far fewer injuries. I guess in this case Milo takes after me and Nora takes after Jake. I'm just happy we made it through the trip without any major mishaps. That place up north is a kid heaven but for a parent it looks like one enormous danger pit.

You Can't Always See What You See

Tonight we were playing with the iPad and the kids had a game in which there were a bunch of fish, and they had to touch the fish that was different. So there might be about 10 identical red fish, except for size, and one green fish. But neither one could touch the "different" fish. It was weird. I'd start by saying "which fish is different?" and they'd randomly touch any red fish. Then I'd say "which fish is not red?" and they would still randomly touch any fish. Once I said "which fish is the green fish?" they could identify it. But they don't have the idea of "different" or of "not x" yet. I hadn't realized that.

Child cognitive development is so interesting. I totally could have gone into that field instead of the one I'm in.

It actually reminds me of this time with a bunch of 8th graders. I had wanted them to explain something about a situation with growing rectangles, in which the rectangles grow but keep their height/length proportion. I wanted them to come up with a justification for something by drawing rectangles, and in particular I hoped they would draw a general rectangle, an H x L rectangle, instead of giving a specific example with, say, a 2 x 3 rectangle.

So everybody did their own explanation and tons of kids drew rectangles, but only one student made a general H x L rectangle. All of the other ones were specific examples with specific numbers. So I had 3 kids put up their rectangles and I asked them what was different about the H x L rectangle, compared to the other ones. And the students literally could not see any difference. They thought of tons of tiny insignificant differences, trying to come up with any distinction, but the idea of one rectangle being a specific example versus another being a general case was just not there for them. Even though it was so glaringly obvious to me. It really brought home how much of a disconnect there is between teachers and middle school students on the topic of proof, when middle school students aren't yet able to perceive any meaningful difference between a specific example and a generic case.

*******

Tonight was the first night in a week that Milo went to bed without crying and putting up a fuss. So we're making progress. We haven't yet had a night in which he hasn't woken up crying, but I feel like he is slowly getting better.

We're going up north to Jake's parents' place on the lake for the weekend tomorrow. I think it's going to be a giant pain in the ass. But it's just a weekend.

Who Needs Sleep?

I get so tired in the afternoons that sometimes I literally can't stay awake. Yesterday I fell asleep in a chair in the living room with the kids right there harassing me, the music on, Jake clattering in the kitchen...I'd wake up for a second when somebody poked me or spoke into my face, and then I'd fall asleep for a few seconds.

Today I felt the same way. I put my head down for a nap but 2 minutes later Nora woke up and started crying. I had to get up but I was so tired I almost couldn't make myself do it. I felt like it was a monumental effort to keep my eyes open.

And yet here it is a 12:30 a.m. and I am still awake. I just spent an hour awake in bed. Why can't I fall asleep now when I could not stay awake this afternoon? It's so dumb, it feels perverse.

I feel like this sleep problem is kind of ruining my life, and if I have to get up early every morning (which I do) and mostly cannot nap in the afternoon (which I can't) there is no solution in sight. I actually went to my doctor with this set of concerns to see if there was something she could do. She prescribed some Ambien for me but only gave me 10 pills and no refills. I thought it would be some sort of super-powerful miracle drug but it only worked about as much as Benadryl works for me. My doctor seems to be far less concerned about my weighty woes than me, so maybe I should get a new one. Hard to say.

Anyway, I'm glad I was awake tonight because I heard Milo the minute he began to wimper, and I was able to comfort him and rub his back in the crib before he fully woke up and began to freak out about the fact that he doesn't have a pacifier. Milo is having a harder time giving up his pacifier. So far he hasn't been able to go to sleep yet by himself without it. Instead I have been holding him or rocking him to sleep. Which probably isn't a great habit but I don't want to just let him cry. I feel like it is hard enough and cruel enough as it is to take away such an important comfort object. He is, rightly so, mourning the loss of something hugely important to him. The least we can do is comfort him through that during the night.

Nora's having an easier time. She had a few tears in the beginning, but not too many, and now it's more an issue that without the pacifier she remains keyed up longer than usual. She isn't upset or crying about it, but she's kind of hyper and is having a harder time calming down and getting sleepy without it. And she is having a hard time going back to sleep when she wakes in the middle of the night. These are all expected and predictable consequences of taking away pacifiers, I suppose.

So, needless to say, we haven't been sleeping very much since operation ditch pacifier occurred. When I am in bed I often think I am hearing the kids crying even though they're not. It's like these faint auditory hallucinations. Sometimes I'll be sort of drifting off and then I'll think I'm hearing somebody cry. So I'll instantly become wide awake, listening for it. And I feel like I can hear it faintly, even though I know that nobody is actually crying. (Because when they do cry, it isn't faint. It's loud, and very real.) But even though I know it isn't real, I can still hear it, and it kind of drives me nuts and makes me anxious.

Hmm, and I wonder why I can't sleep!

It's Hard to be Little

Operation ditch pacifiers happened today. It's gone about as one might expect. To date, nobody has yet managed to fall asleep without a pacifier.

The kids were okay with the idea of giving away their pacifiers until nap/bedtime. Then it has been most definitely not okay.

Random (Okay, Arbitrary) Stuff

Let me just whine for a moment and say that I have been sick for almost a month now. What the heck is wrong with me?!? The kids have long been better, but I have bronchitis and now another cold attacked me before I even had a chance to stop coughing from the first one. I used to have the BEST immune system. I think my first 4 years here I never got sick even once! Now I keep thinking, if I could only just sleep for a couple of days, maybe I could start to get better...

Also, I am on a seriously tight schedule this summer, and need to get stuff OUT. THE. DOOR. I cannot afford to be sick and have my pace slow down like this, but sure enough I've been slower than molasses lately because I'm so out of it all the time. NOT ACCEPTABLE!

Oh, and I can't run for shit with this cough, either. So bleach. And I'm letting all kinds of things slide. I haven't even written birthday thank-you notes yet! (But I totally will this weekend! I promise!)

Okaaaaay. Whining over.

I am really enjoying the kids lately. Milo especially has sort of blossomed lately in a way that's hard to describe, but it's sort of like he's developed some empathy or something. He also has his nice way of conversing these days. "Is this too loud, Mommy?" he'll ask, blowing on his recorder. If I say it is, he'll be quieter.

Actually Nora has picked up some of Milo's habits too. That's one of the nice things about twins. They do learn from each other all the time. So for instance, tonight at dinner Nora said, "What are you talking about, Mommy and Daddy?" Her use of our names like that comes straight from Milo, and I find it so charming. (We were talking about money).

The kids have also developed, sort of, the ability to make jokes. For instance, when we tuck them in for the night we tell them goodnight and then tell them that we love them. They used to both say back, "Goodnight Mommy and Daddy! I love you Mommy! I love you Daddy!" Then the other night, Milo randomly said, "I love you Mommy and Grandpa!" Jake was all, "Hey!" and the kids cracked up, thinking this was the funniest joke ever. Of course they have now done it every night since then, and crack up every time.

Oh, and Milo can totally write an "M" now. He practiced all evening yesterday and all morning this morning, and he can do a really nice M! It is awesome how pleased he is over it.

Work is fairly productive, and I like that. It is great to have big swaths of time to just write and write. I am trying to do a good job of protecting my time and not saying yes to too many b.s. meetings throughout the summer (none of which I am paid to do). So far so good. I was just invited to become part of a working group and attached conference in September. The working group is in a growing area of research (in which I am situated) and will lead to collaborations and projects and papers and such, so it is good for me. The bad part is, the conference attached to it is at the same time as a wedding/reunion trip I have been looking forward to for months. This trip would have been my only real time off all year, time to myself to have a mini vacation, see friends, etc.

However, working conference has a plenary speaker who is Potential Letter Writer Guy (PLWG). PLWG is really famous and would be a good person to write one of my letters because he invented the area of research in which I do my work. However, he's known for being critical, for instance, he once wrote a bad letter for a colleague and that guy did not get tenure as a result. (Happy ending story, he got tenure the 2nd time around on appeal). So PLWG is a tricky case, and I don't want to have him write a letter if he will say bad stuff about me (duh). So going to the conference, shmoozing with PLWG, exchanging ideas, etc. would totally give me some hints as to whether he thinks I am good and would write a good letter, or if he thinks I suck. Also, collaborating with PLWG in the future would be totes awesome for my career.

Anyway I was bummed about the conflict but I emailed the organizer and he said I could leave the conference early to attend the wedding, so I think I will be able to do both. AND the conference organizer wrote back to me and he said, "By the way, I wanted to let you know that PLWG urged me to put you on the team!" And I was all, OMG! Maybe he doesn't think I suck! Woo hoo!

Yeah. Gotta thrive on the little things.

Finally, I think that it is not only hard for the kids to have Jake at work. I think it is hard for me too. It was much nicer having him around all the time. I got spoiled, I guess...

But on the other hand, having Jake working means a better savings plan for the kids' college. Harvard, here we come!

Changes

Milo and Nora were laughing and joking around in their cribs this morning, so he seems to be feeling better today. Our plan was to get rid of their pacifiers this weekend, and I was kind of wavering since Milo has gone through so many changes already. But Jake said, "there will always be a reason not to do it, we just have to bite the bullet and do it!" so that's what we're doing. I don't expect we'll be sleeping much for a while.

This morning the kids went swimming in the lake with Buddy, their friend Millie from down the street, and Millie's nanny. They had a blast. This afternoon I took them to the splash park. It was an awesome day for it -- 90 degrees out, so you never get cold no matter how much you splash in the fountains. Nora was cautious, only allowing herself to get a little wet and then drying herself off with a towel every 5 minutes. Milo, however, was in heaven. He was running around with a huge grin on his face, jumping for joy, running straight through the biggest fountains of water, getting totally soaked, and loving every minute of it. What a classic summer afternoon.

The kids eat at the table now, so their trays are gone and there is more room in the dining room. Each step like this feels like we are grabbing a piece of our life back. I really don't like clutter. We have a small house, and we cannot have too much clutter or stuff taking up room. I am ruthless about getting rid of things. It drives me nuts to have piles of stuff all over the place, so I am constantly straightening up. One thing that was annoying about having babies in the house was all of the stuff they came with. Bouncy seats, swings, then an exersaucer, a doorway bouncing swing, all essential and necessary things but they took up a ton of space. One by one they disappeared as the kids got older, and we're finally getting our house back. Toys don't bother me because they can be put away each night, and these lucky kids even have their own play room, but it's nice to no longer trip over the exersaucer when I'm walking to the kitchen.

And time marches forward. Now we just have to get these kids potty trained (I won't miss diapers) and then, maybe when they turn 3, get them into real beds. It's a little bittersweet to see the vestiges of babyhood disappear one by one, I'll admit, but I try to focus more on the sweet than the bitter.

Milo

Milo is really struggling with having Jake at work full time now. He often cries in the morning for Daddy, and just seems to feel more insecure and clingy in general. Tonight I left to go to a baby shower, and Milo was pretty inconsolable at my leaving, even though Daddy was right there. Things are scaring him or upsetting him at night, and in the morning or during nap he has been waking up crying because various things scare him. I have removed two pieces of art from the nursery because in each case he said it was scaring him.

One hard thing is that I cannot console Milo without a lot of drama from Nora. This morning Milo was sad about Jake being gone, and he wanted me to hold him. Predictably, the very minute I started holding him Nora started yelling and crying obnoxiously in a fit of jealousy. It drives her nuts when I hold Milo.

Poor Milo. I don't really know how to help him. For his entire life Daddy has been around almost all of the time, and now Daddy is gone all day long for 5 days a week. It is a big change.

I know! I know!

I have got to watch my language better!

Tonight I was really irritated and angry for reasons that aren't really important. I was taking a bunch of things out the door to put into the car to give away, and I tripped over stuff on the stairs and fell down the stairs and ripped off my toenail. I was furious and Jake said "Are you okay?" and I yelled, "NO I AM NOT OKAY I JUST TRIPPED OVER ALL OF THIS SHIT LYING AROUND!"

10 seconds later, Milo has his Mr. Potato Head out and is figuring out what to put on it. Nora says, "Do you need to put some shit on there, Milo?"

Sweet Milo

I have a cough that just won't quit. Tonight I was coughing and Milo said, Are you okay Mommy? Do you want a drink of water? Mommy do you need a tissue? Would you like some music, Mommy? (Turned on one of his music toys). Mommy, do you need to go to sleep? Would you like a nap, Mommy?

He's so sweet.

The Camera Is Not My Friend!

So the rough cut of the video for which I filmed commentary is up, and boy do I look bad! Holy crap! The first thing I thought when looking at it was, hmmm, maybe I should re-think this whole eschewing make-up thing. The lighting was so bright that I looked very washed out. Also, the camera angle was bad and sort of looks up at me, making me appear to have a pig nose and no chin. So, based on this mildly humiliating venture, I have learned some tips for what to do if you have to appear on camera:

1) Don't get up at 4 a.m. the day that you're going to be filmed

2) If you are deathly pale from months of being holed up in your office desperately trying to write articles, don't wear a cream-colored jacket. Wear blue.

3) Consider make up, you dirty hippy.

4) Look slightly down when talking, not up. Don't expose your neck, this isn't a nightclub. Look down. That way you'll have a chin.

5) Remember that time when somebody once asked you if you had a thyroid condition because you like to bug your eyes out so much? Think that's a good look? Think again, sister.

I was re-hashing these handy tips with Jake and he said, skeptically, "would you even know how to put on makeup?" Okaaaay....no. Maybe I'm in bigger trouble than I thought.

Birthdays

The problem with birthdays as an adult is that if you want to do something fun or special on your birthday, you have to plan it out. But if you're really busy working, and then busy dealing with the kids the very minute you step through the door, and if you're always 5 steps behind when it comes to shopping and cleaning and cooking and weeding (which I am), then planning something fun just becomes another chore. A chore I'm too busy and tired to deal with, so, forget it.

So, for my birthday, I got to sleep in, which was really nice. The rest of my day was filled with grocery shopping, list planning, diaper changing, cooking dinner, cleaning, dispute mediation, and all of the other crappy drudgery that fills a weekend day, that day when I'm trying to get all of the stuff done I was too exhausted to do during the week. When I'm done writing this I have to work, coding 3 videos that are due on Monday, because I ran out of time during the week to get it done.

I think my life is a major example of why people should not have their kids in their thirties. You just don't have the energy anymore.

Anyway, that was that. I hit a low point at lunch time when I realized that the leftover pasta I was planning on eating for lunch was gone. Somebody else, I won't say who, had eaten it. There was nothing else in the house to eat, despite the fact that I must have stopped by Trader Joe's about 800 times on the way home from work this past week alone. So I grabbed my debit card and headed to the corner store to get a sandwich. I rounded up some items, the cashier ran them up, and then I found out that my card had expired 3 days ago and I had no cash on me. That was the low point, but things always turn around. We had a really nice afternoon lounging outside at the (kiddie) pool, sitting under the tree and dipping our feet in the water as the kids played and splashed. We could hear people in the park across the street tuning their guitars, because this evening the neighborhood held a music festival in the park. It's still going on and I'm listening to the music right now. We're a little slice of Americana right here, folks.

Birthdays in childhood often involved swimming at the lake, or in the pool, maybe a party, but always my favorite dinner (tuna noodle casserole), cake, and presents after dinner. Presents after dinner is actually a pretty great tradition to have for a birthday because it lends an air of excitement and anticipation to the entire day.

Things change as you get older, of course, but because it was a hot midwestern day today, I am remembering another hot midwestern birthday that is etched in my memory as one of the best. It was the year I turned 20. I was living in an apartment with 3 guys and they made a huge deal out of my birthday. My boyfriend at the time did this 7-day lead up in which I got presents every day for a week before my birthday. One the day of, they took me on a surprise trip, which turned out to be to a lake in Illinois. We were living in St. Louis and had to drive all the way to Illinois to find a lake for swimming, because there aren't any lakes in St. Louis. It was seriously like an hour or two away, but because swimming in the lake was one of my favorite things to do, that's what we did all day long.


There they are, along with a random kid who played with us that day, making sand castles and swimming and hanging out. I think my friends were trying to build the St. Louis Arch out of sand there. It was one of those quintessential summer days, in which you lounge around, swim, float on floaties, eat popsicles, and just exist in the moment of the awesomeness that is summer.

When we got back home my friends made tuna noodle casserole for me, which might be the last time I had that particular dish on my birthday. (Tastes change, but I'll always have a soft spot for it). Also, I remember that I got two cakes. The men made me one cake, and a friend of mine who was working at Baskin Robbins that summer also brought me an ice cream cake. She and a few other friends showed up and we ate tuna noodle casserole and two kinds of cake.

How awesome is that? My friend is shirtless because we lived on the 3rd floor in an apartment with no air conditioning in St. Louis in JULY, so it was probably about 110 degrees in there. With 98% humidity. I have all these other pictures of us playing games and being goofy that night in which everybody is minimally dressed and drenched in sweat, which didn't exactly bother us a lot because we were so used to it. That's just summer.

Later we drove over to my friend's house, probably because there was air conditioning there, and on the highway we had the windows down and the radio up and I remember sticking my hand out the window and feeling the wind rushing against it. That song was on the radio, the one that goes "No sugar tonight in my coffee, no sugar tonight in my tea. No sugar to stand beside me, no sugar to run with me." To this day that song reminds me of that night, and summer, and good friends, and being young, and the feeling that you are going to stay young forever.

I don't feel that way anymore, but on the bright side, I've got this:

Dinnertime Complaints

I need an orange bowl!

I don't want a lid on my cup!

I don't want that spoon! I need a blue spoon!

There's a squirrel outside! He's bothering me!

AAAAAAAHHHHH! My fingers are sticky! Wipe them off! Wipe them off!

There's a bug on the ceiling! Get it!

I don't want that!

There's a crumb on my bread! Get it off!

Aaaaaaa! I can't stab the noodle! Aaaaaaa! (Complete with tears)

I want a lid on my cup!

No! Take that lid off! I don't want a lid!

The sun is in my eyes! Make it go away!

I want to see your drink!

No! I don't want that! (We dared offer food)

I need a pink fork! Not a purple fork!

I need more milk!

He's looking at me!

Stop laughing! No laughing!

And that was just the first minute. We had another half hour to go. And you wonder why Mommy and Daddy drink...

I Don't Love You, Mommy

For the past 6 weeks before Jake started his job, he spent a lot of time with the kids. I worked 5 days a week and Jake watched the kids whenever Buddy wasn't here.

Now he's at work every day, which Nora hasn't really noticed, but Milo has and he can't understand it. Today I stayed home with the kids, which in Milo's mind means the weekend, so where is Daddy? He has been asking about Daddy a lot, and was pretty teary and sad this morning over Daddy being at work. We practiced what he'll say to Daddy when he comes home at 5. We also looked at a picture of Daddy to help him feel better. It's where he can always find it, so he can look at it whenever he needs to. That did seem to help a little. So did going to a big park and playing outside for a couple of hours, and walking to Trader Joe's to get dinner ingredients, and blowing bubbles and playing in the sand. Those things helped a lot.

Today before his nap Milo informed me that he doesn't love me. He loves Daddy. He made sure to say it several times so that I really got the message. I am definitely a poor substitute for Daddy (despite that fact that it's me who actually takes him places, and changes his diaper as soon as it gets wet, and gives him creative options for lunch, and refills his bubbles).

Whatever, kid. I know you love Daddy best but you're gonna have to deal with me now.

Of course once Daddy came home and gave the kids a bath, Milo proceeded to scream bloody murder and demand that I hold him, not Daddy. Who do you love now, huh?

I Am Tired But My Kids Are Not

I am finishing up revisions on a paper and it has taken me a whole month. Today I re-wrote the discussion section and it was so hard...like pulling teeth. I've been doing academic writing for many years now but there are some days when it is still very gut-wrenchingly difficult. Hopefully this means I am articulating something new and important, but it could just mean that writing is hard for me, and always will be.

I am very tired, and having a hard time recovering from an illness which keeps hanging on and hanging on. In a couple of minutes I have to go back to work for the evening. I am tired. Did I say that already? There is no time to get burned out because I still have to keep working at full throttle for the next year. This is the last 6 miles of the marathon.

I just gave Milo a nasal aspirator to hold in his crib and told him that it was a dragonfly eliminator. He was upset because he thought there were dragonflies in the room. It seems to have worked...he is quiet now.

Meanwhile Nora is chattering away in her pack 'n play in our bedroom and doesn't seem close to going to sleep. She has taken a fancy to a doll, which she has named Sally, and Sally is in the pack 'n play with Nora. She is talking to Sally, saying "I'm going to change your diaper now. Ooooo! I'm going to put it on you!"

Summer Time

It's nice and hot here, but not too hot. In that second-to-last picture is my friend in a long-sleeved shirt and jeans, even though it was like 85 degrees out. She's from Florida and thought it was kind of cool here! As far as I'm concerned, it's just right.

The in-laws were here this weekend too. When they left Milo got kind of upset. He teared up and said that he was sad. He said, "I need Grandpa!" Then he thought for a moment and added, "And Grandma, too."

Jake starts his job tomorrow. Because of his early start time, I will have to be the one to get up and get the kids ready every day of the week. I am really not psyched about that. But, on the other hand, 2 incomes. Time to break out the caviar and champagne, or whatever it is that people who have money do. Or we would, if our basement hadn't flooded, our freezer wasn't refusing to stay shut, and our windows weren't rotting.

I am behind on work deadlines, and feeling like I shouldn't have taken that trip last week.

Rich Kids

Jake and I watched a documentary the other night about rich kids. This Johnson & Johnson heir decided to make a film about all of his other heir and heiress friends, to talk about what it is like to grow up so rich, with money so old, that in some cases their parents and their grandparents have never worked. So nobody in the family even understands what it means to have a career.

The guy making the film asked his dad what he should do for a career. I got the impression that the dad painted, but has never worked a day in his life. The dad suggested that he begin working on a collection, perhaps of old maps. It was so bizarre that the dad was so out of touch with reality that he thought that collecting things counts as a career.

Now to make a totally gross generalization, it seemed to me that the older the money, the dumber the person. So if the person's money was so old that his parents had never worked and his grandparents had never worked and his great-grandparents had never worked because they all lived off the fortune of the great-great-grandfather, the person just seemed so out of it. Whereas there were a couple of people in the film whose parents had actually made their fortune, and these people seemed to be the sharpest and most with-it of the group.

One guy talked about how it is important for him to be involved in bettering himself, being actively engaged in the world rather than just passively consuming. He gave, as an example, the fact that he goes to the tailor and spends hours with the tailor making sure that his suit is just right. That was his example of being active.

It was funny to hear people say things like, "If I were to date somebody, I don't know if I'd bring them to my houses." Just the way they throw around houses, plural, the way that most of us talk about our house, singular.

The heirs and heiresses keep within their own circle for friendships and dating. Which probably makes sense in a way. I imagine it would get messy trying to be involved with a non-heir. How would you know they weren't just a gold digger?

People with wealthy inheritances fascinate me in some weird trainwreck way. This is probably because I used to teach at a school that had a number of kids like that, and a lot of other kids were rich too, even though it was new money. These families tended to treat teachers like servants and I didn't respect their values. I have some old fashioned values about the importance of work, probably.

If I had unlimited money I think I would still work. Jake always says that he wouldn't but I'm not sure about that because he also has this weird man thing going on about how he's supposed to have a career and all. (After all, he could not work now if he wanted, but he starts work on Monday). I think one big difference is that I'd have more kids. I mean, I guess it's kinda late for that, but if I had a ton of money I'd probably have like 4 or 5 kids total, and just get a bigger house for all of them and hire the help that we'd need to take care of them. Big families seem like a lot of fun.

How Much Do I Owe Jake for This?

OMG I am never going anywhere with the kids ever again.

I noticed, on the plane ride to Portland, that Nora had what felt like a really high fever. She was burning up and of course my baby Tylenol was packed in my suitcase because the bottle is 4 ounces. She was exhausted and kept drifting off to sleep only to wake again immediately and cry as if in a lot of pain, so she couldn't get any rest. She kept pointing down her mouth and asking me to take the hurt out of it. I thought she was teething but later realized (as I suffer from this now) that she must have had a wicked sore throat.

As soon as we strapped Milo into the rental car, he threw up all over everything. He threw up 3 more times that night (yes, we are THOSE house guests). Neither kid ate hardly anything the whole time we were on "vacation", which meant they were also crabby and hungry in addition to being sick and exhausted. Poor, poor kids. Nora fared pretty well and seemed just about fine the next day, but Milo suffered throughout. Then on our last night both kids progressed to the stuffed up and coughing stage of the illness, which meant they woke about 800 times throughout the night and pretty much nobody got any sleep at all.

Given the incredible sleep deprivation and the stuffy noses and popping ears, the kids were real troupers for the flights home today and didn't really lose it until pretty much the end of the trip. They did the best they could and I could tell they were suffering.

It was freezing for our entire time in Portland (which provided a visceral reminder of how I could never move back to the pacific northwest). So it was nice to return this afternoon to a real summer day, hot and humid. We had put the air conditioning on before we left for the cats, and we remarked on how glad we were that we did that, given how hot it was.

Except...the pump that pumps out the water from the AC failed, and the basement flooded. Who knows when this happened. As long as 5 days ago? The person feeding our cats was a neighborhood teen who probably wasn't with it enough to realize that the squooshy wetness in the carpet wasn't supposed to be there. I saw that the power had failed, which would have caused the pump to stop. I hope that was the problem. Anyway, we need to get rid of the carpet. And figure out what new flooring to install on the basement floor that won't get ruined when we have water. This trip ended up costing us a whole lot more than I'd anticipated.

Predictably I am sick now, but whatever. I am an adult and can handle it, but I do feel bad for dragging the kids all around tarnation when they felt so lousy.

The reason we went was to see family, and that was really nice. We ended up canceling a side trip to Seattle and it gave us unexpected extra time with our beloved cousins and their kids, and I loved that too. Nora took a real shine to one of my cousins and even today was asking about her and wondering when she'd see her again. I wish I lived closer to everybody, or more accurately, I wish everybody lived closer to me. Still, no more big trips until 2012; maybe at 4.5 they'll have an easier time. At least 4.5 year olds no longer need naps, right?